Withering You

Noah

I was carrying my bag everywhere I went. I couldn't lose you like that. The you in your book. It was wrecking me when the bell rang for lunch. Where am I to go now?
There was no you to follow around. I couldn't face going anywhere near the tree. It is your tree. It is full of you. I didn't want to go to the cafeteria, everyone would be talking about you. Besides, I can't face Colin. I shuffle my way to the library. I drop my bag next to a chair. Everything in me is burning to read your words. I pull out your book and open it under the table. Like how I would use a phone in class. Your book is valuable to me, I don't want anyone to know it's your book I'm reading because these nosy people would want to know what's in it.

I turn your pages carefully. The noise of the paper rustling is prominent in the empty library. Why is my heart beating like this, Ava? I try to control my breathing. I run my thumb over your words on the first page: Handle with care. Your loopy letters are damn attractive. How do you do it? Everything about you stands out.

"Noah."

I almost drop your book when I hear my name. I hide your book between my knees hastily and look up to see Colin.

"I was looking for you," Colin says, his eyes travelling under the table suspiciously. All my blood feels to have turned warm. I lean against the table so he wouldn't catch your book.

"I-uh- was just-" I stumbled upon my words. I'm not anywhere close to explaining to him that I have no place to go without his girlfriend. You.

"Can I come sit with you?" Colin looks kind of awkward. What does he have to do with me? Is he trying to try me up with your death again? I nod, holding your book tighter within my knees. He takes the chair next to me.

"I'm sorry for treating you like that." Colin says. I'm not going to make a fuss about that. He needs to apologise for that. I wait for him to continue.

"We were really good back then." Colin laughs. A deep hole starts to build in me. We were good before you Ava. I was his everything. Colin, Roy and me. We were everything. You split us up like broken glass. I have no idea how you did it. I'm not blaming you totally. We should have tried harder to hold on.

"I suspected you highly of-" Colin looks away. I give out a quiet sigh. "I thought you liked Ava and that you were jealous of me."

It was my turn to look away. I had always tried to avoid the fact that I was sickeningly jealous of Colin. I need to face the truth, now that you are gone, there's nothing to hide from.

"I hope we get to patch up again. It will be hard but let's try," Colin was giving me one of his brightest smiles. The hole in me starts to evaporate. I smile back.

"I won't sit with your football jocks and act like a dick. Or flirt with girls." I say jokingly to lift the tension between us.

"You just indirectly called me a dick," Colin says, giving me a light punch on my shoulder.

"Isn't that like duh-duh?"

"What? No!" He gives out a laugh.

"It's written all over your face," I join him with a laugh. But then all of a sudden we stop. I stopped because I felt guilty laughing without you. I feel guilty for returning back to normal without you. I bet he feels the same.

"I miss her so much, Noah," Colin says and I try not to nod. I still don't feel it right to declare my love for you openly to Colin even if we are getting better.

"I didn't understand her in the last few days," he sounds torn. I wonder why I'd suspected him in the first place. He should really be in love with you to sound like that.

"Was something wrong with her?" I subtly prompt him to go on. I needed to get anything he would feed me of.

"No," he shrugs, "except that she was upset about some grades but really, you know her, she is like that."

Do I know you, Ava? I don't think so, I don't know you enough. I didn't do enough for you. I can't stop thinking, who could have done this to you? Pin pricks fall on my knees, the result of holding onto your book. I shift slowly, to relieve the pain, not wanting the book to slip down.

"You suspect anything?" I had wanted to be upfront with him but figured it would look like I'm trying hard to know about you.

"Noah, she was just like any other girl, who would even want to harm her?"

I nod though you are more than just a girl to me. You did something to someone that might have angered him or her. There are so many possibilities but whatever it is you are still living to me. I fear if I look under the tree I would visualise you sitting there, scribbling on your book. You would bite your soft lips in thought. The wind would mess your hair, you would tuck it behind your ear quickly as if you are in a great hurry to get the words written before something happens. My heart skips a beat. Something happens. Yes. Like something happens. You must have written in the book, right? I think of ways to send Colin away to get started with your book. I need to read your book.

"Isn't that Roy?" Colin says nudging my elbow with his. I look up to see a flustered Roy. He hadn't still spotted us.

"Roy!" I risk calling him. Hopefully the librarian is on break. Roy spots us and jogs towards us. I frown at him.

"Is something wrong?" I ask. Roy always maintains his cool. It's probably a biggie to get him on.

"I just heard it," he gulps, catching his breath, "cops are coming in here."

Colin gets up from his seat. I couldn't help but notice how quick it was as if he panicked by hearing the word cops.

"For what?" Colin asks. I look at Colin closely. I shouldn't be doing this. He is not a suspect. He is my friend. He wouldn't have killed you but I just can't help it.

"They suspect Ava was murdered."

I turn to look at Roy. I'm not turned out like Colin. I'm just surprised. Roy looked confused. In my peripheral vision I can see Colin's eyes widened. What I can't pin onto is whether he is shocked or frightened.