Withering You

The Book

The wrongs don't turn right. They just turn worse.

Today, in the morning before class had  started, Sebastian cornered me up. He had touched me there. I had been too shocked to move. My fault. I had given him enough space to do as he pleased. I had let him do that to me. I watched him do that to me. It was totally my fault. The excruciating part was when he was leaving, he smiled. Like what he did was not a fault. Like I deserved what he did to me.

Later, it was Colin. He was pestering me to come with him to his place. His parents are away. He wouldn't know what it is like to have parents who are broke. He has parents who provide for him easily. He doesn't have to think twice to take his girlfriend, me, out to fancy dinners or take his football buddies out for a party. He doesn't know my pain. He won't understand how I'm crumbling on the inside. He is only using all my pain, my mistakes, for his benefit. I even thought of telling him about Sebastian. Tell him the truth that it is Sebastian who had written my articles and essays. I can tell him that I'm being threatened by Sebastian. Boyfriends protect their girlfriends. That's how it is portrayed in posh books and movies but mine is trying to feed off my pain.

When I was thinking the day would get better, there came another letter from Jason. It freaked me out. And then the other guy, Roy, is like my background music. I don't notice him much but he is there. Everywhere.

I want to tear my clothes, cry out loud and run around the school building. I want to scream out loud about the people that are hurting me, make them known to the world for what they truly are. But I need to be sane. There will be a way out. I still haven't found anyone who would write for me. Actually I did but they are all expensive.

Suicidal thoughts are running in my mind. I'm not a wimp. I wish that was true. But pain is just is just is just is just is just is just pain. It's not going away. Everything is only bringing in more pain. I envy those people. I envy people like Colin, Roy, Sebastian and Jason because they have so much courage in them. It's so much that they have the guts to threaten people like me.

I envy people who have everything. They have everything I want and still complain. Stupid. Dumb. People. They don't know to take the fullest out of the things they have.

I soothe myself by telling that maybe someone is out there wanting to live my life. That someone is jealous of what I am. But that would be the joke of the year. I know the truth. I know that no one would want to be me. Even I don't.  I'll happily give my life over to someone else's. I wouldn't think twice. I wouldn't have to feel-