Withering You

Noah

Everything feels over without you. I can't even breathe. Snot is running down my face with tears and I can't seem to have the strength to wipe them away. My throat feels dry and I've started to hiccup. I needed water. My chest was burning. But I just can't seem to stop you. The you that's breaking me down.  I feel guilty if I go a minute without remembering you. I close my eyes and punish myself by your memories. All of you comes down in such a force that it leaves me blank. Sometimes I only remember your eyes. Your lips. Of you tucking your hair back. I can hear your laugh. I can see the smile you give me with a nod of your head when we walk past each other in the corridor. There's so much of you battling inside me to be remembered. I search myself for everything of yours in me, to hold on, to feel you, again and again. I don't want to let go of you. Even if it hurts. I want you, Ava.

I've not got out of bed yet. Mom brings in a glass of orange juice. I don't want to treat myself to anything without you. I'm mourning your death. I shouldn't be doing anything. But mom forced me to drink it up. I felt the coolness as the juice travelled down. She told me that she was the one who treated you and that you looked beautiful as in sleep. When were you not? My mom's a doctor, you wouldn't have known that. You don't know anything about me though I know everything about you. I wasn't special for you to be known. She asked me if I'm going to school. I told her I'm not going anywhere. I had emphasized the word anywhere so she wouldn't ask a follow up question of if I would be going to your funeral. She tried to talk me around it but seeing I'm not coming around she dropped the topic reluctantly. She left telling me I can take my time. My mom is kind, I always imagined you two teasing me about stuff. About finding you. You ended all my imagination, Ava. You ended the hope in me. I was only seeing you and now there was nothing to look forward to. It sucks big time. All my days were spent with only you in my head and you wouldn't know that at all. You wouldn't know that you exist in me. You wouldn't know that I love you.

You are all over Facebook. Everyone had something to say about you. Let them. They are calling you a coward. Let them. Let them because they really know you not. I have shut myself off everything. No more social media. My phone was constantly ringing. Even Colin had called. It's like he remembered me after you are gone. I'm not talking to anyone because they'll only talk about your death. You are not dead to me. They'll talk about the whys and hows. Let them talk but I don't want to listen.

I bury my face deeper onto the pillow. I don't want to live. To feel this pain. I groan and turn around. I hear a car pull up, it's dad. Fresh tears run down my cheeks. Dad. I want his hug. I roll out of bed slowly. He is my comfort zone. He is my superman and I am always his little kid. Anyone can say anything about that.

I walk down the stairs slowly, holding onto the hand railing. My steps are shaky, I feel like I might fall. I hear mom and dad talk in hushed tones. I tilt my head to catch what they are talking about. I usually don't do this, Ava. I make noises and make myself known when I come downstairs so I don't find myself in an awkward position. You know, you had parents. I walk downstairs noiselessly and stop by the living room entrance. 

"When you called I was at a meeting. Did you tell Noah?" asks dad.

"He knew already. He doesn't want to go, Brad," mom sounds upset.

"He knew the cause of the death?"

"Are you nuts? How can I tell him? That would only disturb him more," mom sounded frustrated. 

"They weren't close, right?"

"Still. How can I tell him that his friend was murdered?"

My breath hitches.

"We should tell him so he would be more careful. Who could have gone to that extent?" asks dad.

"No one will know."

"They are not going to the police?"

"The school must have bribed everyone since it would ruin their reputation. They are not even telling her parents. But everything was clear. Her cheek bone was fractured and there were signs of molestation."

I gasp and hastily cover my mouth, stepping away. Who could have done this to you, Ava? Oh my god. Who could have done this?

"Noah, is that you?" It was my dad. I panic retracting my steps back to the stairs.

"He is upstairs. Why don't you go and check up on him?"

I ran up the stairs. I lock my room door soundlessly and jump onto bed. I cover my mouth so my screams wouldn't be heard. You were raped, Ava. Someone had touched your soft skin, hurt you. Oh god, Ava. Who could have done that? It must have been painful to you. You must have pleaded. No one could have had the heart to do something like that to you.

I bite my fingers hard. Ava. My Ava. How did I let this happen to you? I rock myself back and forth. Come back, Ava. Come back to me. I can't take this in anymore. This is hurting me. A lot.

"Noah, it's me. Open up." It's dad. I shake my head. No, dad, leave me alone please. Dad knocks on the door. I don't move. I just can't bear this, Ava. I would cry harder if I see dad. It wouldn't help. Nothing would help except you.