Withering You

Noah

3 months later.

I look around the room to find a seat. I was at my cousin Laura's birthday party. Laura shared a flat with another girl. I didn't want to be here but was forced by my mom. The room is filled with girls, it's making me awkward. Laura and I do share a common ground but after you had gone, everything in life seemed useless.

They had just cut the cake, and it was everywhere. Girls are wild, I had sat in a corner and watched them throw cake at Laura. It was a gorgeous cake. Mouthwatering even. It's all gone. Exhausted by the stunt they had pulled, they were now seated on every possible chair they could find. I lost my spot when I had gone to the kitchen to grab a packet of chips.  Laura was saying a joke and the crowd cheered happily.

It gets to me, you know? I would be doing random things and all of a sudden be reminded of you. Your death. Your everything.  Laura's laugh reminds me of you. It doesn't sound like yours, no. It's just that, if you were alive you would have been celebrating your birthday.  You would have cracked jokes and laughed like Laura.

The air in the room was thickening with smoke from their cigarettes. Laura spots me and waves me over to her. I panic. Laura is two years older than me. She calls me her little brother. I had grown up with her friends pulling my cheek and patting me on the head. I can't have that now. I quickly gesture to her that I'm heading over to the balcony. I can't breathe in here anyway. I hastily make my way to the balcony, trying not to step on the cake that had missed Laura.

I step on the balcony and freeze. I try to walk back in smoothly but the girl who was seated on the wicker chair looks up. It's the girl who was smoking like a chimney. All that comes in my mind is that; she is not you. No girl is you, Ava. Even if I search all stones inside out I won't find a girl like you. You are irreplaceable.

"Sorry," I mutter.

I turned around to leave but stopped when she said, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

My heart flutters. I'm not really good around girls after you. I wasn't a gentleman even with you around. But you get me? I stopped looking at girls like that. Because no girl ever caught my attention like you. Actually, I don't want anyone to. I'm completely fine with you.  The you in me.

"Like what?" I ask. I blink rapidly, another way as not to look at the girl properly. Or not, it would get my weak heart weaker.

"Like this," she says. She imitates me by widening her eyes and opening her mouth slightly. I stare at her in bewilderment.

"I didn't look at you like that!" I scream and cringe instantly at the attention I'm grabbing. But really, the girls inside where howling with laughter to notice my scream.

She laughs, "Oh yeah, you were looking at me like this too. Maybe you will remember this look."

I could feel hot on the inside. All the hair in my body was standing. I wanted to just disappear.

She straightens up on the chair and this time imitates me with a frown. I squint at her when I see her twitching one of her eyes. I couldn't help but press my lips tight to stop myself from laughing.

"I didn't twitch my eye!" I protest.

"So you do agree that you looked at me with all the other expressions?" she says with a winning tone.

"I- uh- sorry. It's just that I haven't seen a girl-"

"A woman," she interrupts me.

"Sorry. Yes, a woman. I haven't seen a woman smoke and look like you," I stumble on my words. I bite my tongue to stop myself from letting out more embarrassing words. The woman looks like she had been in a tornado. She is a mess. Her eyeliner was smudged, her hair was only shoulder length and still it was tangled and poking out in different directions. She looked aged with purple, dry lips. She is not you. You were a breath of fresh air. And she is like something you would avoid in a graveyard. I had my reasons to be shocked to see a woman like her with Laura.

"Now you are being judgemental here," she says, lighting up another cigarette.

"How so?" I say and instantly regret. I don't want to continue the conversation with this woman. She is giving me the chills in my bones.

"Woman smoke. You've got to accept that. And then, the way I look. I bet you came into a conclusion as to who I am with my looks. That's being judgemental there," she says coolly as she took a drag on her cigarette. I can't look. I look away. I've seen women smoke but I just can't watch her. I wanted badly to get inside.

"No. I don't know who you are-"

"You probably thought," she interrupts me and clears her throat to continue, "damn, she is a homeless girl with no parents. Put in adoption centres and didn't get proper care during her childhood that now, she has ended up smoking her lungs out. Probably a drug addict and sleeps around for money. Isn't that what you thought?" She finishes off with a smile.

I stare at her in perplexity. What is this woman even, Ava? 

"You did, didn't you?" She prompts me for a reply.

I looked at my feet, my throat was tight.

"I didn't think of you as such. I'm sorry if I gave you off such an impression. I didn't mean to hurt you," I say, quietly, "I'll leave you to it."

I step into the living room but pause when she begins to laugh, it causes her to choke up on the smoke. I look around in panic.

"Are you alright?"

She holds her right hand up, stopping me, as she takes another drag on her cigarette with her left hand. I stare at her with wide eyes. She is going to die at this rate. It irritates me. She is killing herself.

"I'm fine," she coughs out a reply. I can't bear to watch her. 

"I'm leaving.  Take care." I slip out quickly.  I don't stop. I walk out till I'm out of the apartment.  I don't stop.  I walk till I'm out in the carpark. I don't stop. That woman. I can't get her out of my head. I keep walking. She is messing my head out. But then, I repeat this a dozen times, she is not you. She is not you. She. Is. Not. You.