Withering You

Noah

You didn't turn up at math class. I was stuck in an agonisingly slow time phase. I wanted to run down corridors and check for you. You might be under that tree. But I couldn't walk out, especially in Mr Grayson's class, it would lead to trouble. You always turn up, even if you are sick you'd never miss a class. You must be upset. The letter which Colin had written must have got at you hard. My grip tightens around my pen. I want to see you. Just see you. Know that you are fine.

I was the first one to leave when the bell rang. I pushed everyone out of my way. There were curses thrown on my face but nothing stops me but you. I stopped when I saw you standing behind a wall. Who were you talking to? I crane my neck to get a look above the crowd. I couldn't see the other person. I push my way through the crowd to get to you. I was close enough to hear your voice.

"I got it- no- I won't tell anyone- forgive me-give another chance,"

My forehead wrinkles in confusion. I shouldered a person out of my way. I was close. Someone's elbow digs into my chest. I don't stop. I see the person's shoulder. It's a man. I only needed to get a step forward to see the man's face. Suddenly I was pulled around by my elbow. I come face to face with Roy.

"What the fuck do you want?" I silently scream out on his face.

"Dude, chill out, okay?" Roy steps away from me with his hands raised up.

I hastily turn back around to look at you. You were gone. That man? I search the crowd. I spot Colin a few feet away. You were talking to him? I try to remember the colour of the shirt the person was wearing. It was something dark. Colin is wearing black. Was it Colin?

I feel movements behind me. I turn around to see Roy looking flustered.

"I'm sorry, man," I say, " I was quite lost."

"You always are, with her." He sounded vexed.

No one's going to understand my love for you, even you failed to.

"What's the matter?" I try to change the subject. Anything away from you. I don't want anyone to talk about you. Unless it's to sing your praises. I nonchalantly search the crowd for you. Where did you go, Ava?

"I can't drop you at home today. My sister has extra classes, I'm waiting to pick her up."

"That's okay," I nod, " thanks for letting me know."

I step away from him, "I need to go now."

I stumble on something but keep walking steadily. I need to see you Ava. You were pleading to someone, seems like you are in trouble. I look under the tree. I search for you everywhere. I don't find you. I'm confused, did you leave school?

Crestfallen, I'm out of my head the rest of the day. Thinking about you. I want you to be safe. Whatever that's disturbing you will pass.

● ● ●

I groan when I feel my phone vibrate. I pat around the bed trying to locate my phone. I had fallen asleep looking at you on my phone. I find my phone under a pillow.
I squint at it. Roy. I give out a sigh.

I answer the call, "what is it?"

I give out a loud yawn.

"Haven't you heard it?" Roy sounded tense.

"Hear what?"

"Ava is dead,"

I sit up quickly. No.

"What- what happened? How? Are you kidding me?"

You couldn't have died. I saw you yesterday. You were there.

"Are you nuts? Why should I kid about that? She committed suicide, hanged herself on a tree by the lake."

My stomach drops. I feel light. You did this to yourself. Why would you? No. No.

"Noah? Noah, are you there?"

I am not. Why did you do this, Ava? We were there. I was there. I should have put more effort into searching for you. I should have fucking collected all my energy and spoke to you. I should have acted with a backbone. I could have stopped you. I would have stopped you. You shouldn't have done this, Ava.

Oh, god. Oh, god. It's too late. Everything is gone. You are gone. I can't do anything to bring you back. No, Ava, I don't want to accept this. You are there. You are not dead. I can't accept this.

"Noah! Can you hear me?"

"Yeah," I reply weakly.

"Get ready, I'll come get you."

"No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not coming," I say shaking my head determinedly.

I'm not seeing you like that. I can't face seeing you like that.

"Don't be stupid. Her body is in the hospital."

I don't want to hear this. They are cutting you up right now as I'm talking. That's sick.

"Everyone's going to show some support to her mom and dad. We should be there too" Roy sounds like he is talking to a child.

No matter how he tries, I'm not going. Seeing you like that would make the truth hard to avoid. If I don't see you, you are still living in my head. I can keep talking to you like this. I still feel warm when I think of you. You are not gone Ava. You are still living for me, in me.

"I'm not coming. Don't force me," I end the call and stare blankly at the phone. Expecting it to ring again. I blink slowly, my throat tight. Hot tears run down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. Why should I cry? I'm not going to cry, Ava. There's nothing to cry for. You are still living. You. Are. Still. Living.

I jump out of bed and kick the beside table in frustration. Letting out a scream. No, Ava. No. No. No. I try to breathe. Try to put back my pieces together.  Why did you do this, woman? I rub my face. I don't understand. Oh, god. Please, Ava, come back. Come back just for me.