Withering You

Noah

Saige had repeated my words back to me. It actually got me a little stung. Move on. How can I move on, Ava? How can I forget you and fill my mind and heart of another girl? I understand why Saige had said, "It's easier said than done."

Saige and I had decided to share our thoughts on 'how to move on.' It was her idea and I didn't mind spending more time with her. We were back in the apartment. Saige had changed back to her long skirt. I had wanted her to. Now she sat on the sofa hugging her knees as she changed channels on the television.

My phone vibrates and I put it on silent. It's Roy. I had decided on not going to school this week. The whole school was vibrating with energy by working hard for the graduation. I don't want to be there, helping them, without you.  Roy is probably calling to check up on me.

I give a deep sigh before underlining the words I wrote on a paper I had torn off from the book Saige had given me.

How to move on.

"Are you for real?" Saige asks, looking down at my paper.

I shrug, "Better write it before we forget it."

"Okay. Let's get to it then," Saige nods as she turns off the television before turning to look at me. "First, we should accept that they are gone. This helped me very much. Denial is only going to dig deeper roots into the heart that's going to poison the entire system. It ruins you. I say, the first thing we should do is accept the fact that they are gone because in the long run it will only get worse," Saige says.

Her words sent hot chills down my body. I felt pin pricks on my fingers as I wrote 'no denying.' Don't focus. Just write.

"Your turn now," she says as she pulls a cigarette out. I blink away the heavy fog that was building in my head. It was hard to think. Denial. That was the only word that was running in my head. I clear my throat.

"We shouldn't distract ourselves from other things," I take my time to think before continuing,"since we are accepting that they are completely gone. We shouldn't do things to distract ourselves from the pain, from the fact that they are gone."

I watch as Saige lights up her cigarette. "Like smoking," I say and this makes Saige raise her eyebrows at me. "We should do things that would make us grow and not destroy us within," I finish off.

Saige looks at me with a frown as she slowly takes a long drag. "So you are saying moving on should involve the end of smoking?"

"No. I'm saying we should stay away from smoking and other forms of activities that distracts us from moving on completely. We are binding ourselves with these distractions without letting ourselves grow freely," I say with doubt, not knowing if I'm making sense. Saige takes a deep breath. 

"Well, I'll try," she says with a smile that forms a dimple on a chin. I want to close off the small space between us and poke that dimple softly. Did I mention that she is endearingly, adorably, appealingly, cute?

"Really?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. I doubt she can let go of smoking completely.

"Yeah. If we bothered to form a 'move on' list then I believe we should follow them. It's not going to be easy but I'll cut down on a cigarette everyday" Saige says as she reaches out to the ashtray on the table. I watch with raised eyebrows as she stubs the cigarette out.

"For better days," she says, sitting back straight.

It somehow makes me feel uncertain. Can I be able to do the things on the list like Saige? I write on the paper, 'shouldn't distract. Should grow.'

"Next," Saige clears her throat, "We should believe in ourselves more. Believe that we can live without them. Believe that love exists beyond them. Believe in ourselves to be strong enough to let go and open ourselves for another love story." Saige says, looking at the window. It's like she was observed by the words she was saying. I didn't want to disturb her out of the bubble she was in. I let her words sink in  deeply. Especially the last words she had said, 'open ourselves for another love story.'

I can, Ava. I should believe in myself. I can move on from you. It hurts to think as such, seems impossible, but I'll try. Like Saige, I'll try slowly. I write on the paper 'believe in myself.'

"So," Saige turns her head to me, "tell me more about your girl"

The question was unexpected. It makes my hands tremble. I tighten my grip around the pen, fearing it would slip. It's all fine, Ava, till I'm reminded of you. What can I tell about you? There is so much of you in me.

"I thought we were talking about how to move on," I say in need to move the subject.
She looks at me closely. I squirm in my seat. I think she catches my discomfort.

"Yeah, sorry for going off topic." Saige says, rubbing her hands together in glee. I give a small smile at her. Saige could be a good actress. She has the ability to change between moods easily. "I think we should have more one-night stands." She says.

My eyes widened in reaction, "Did I hear that right?"

She nods with a smile, "For me it works wonders. Especially if the guy is handsome."

I clear my throat in discomfort.

"I won't recommend you doing that. You are still a minor," Saige says with a straight face. I stare back at her in bewilderment.

"Should I- uh- write that down?" I ask, scratching the back of my neck.

"I don't know. Should you, Noah?" Saige says as she slowly begins to laugh.

"Why? What's wrong? Shouldn't I write it?" I ask, confused. Her laugh grows louder.

"Oh my god!" She tries to control her laughter, "your face, Noah."

I touch my face. I still don't understand.  Is something wrong with my face?

"I was only kidding, Noah. Who said about one-night stands helping to move on? And you believed it," She says between her laugh. I smile awkwardly. "Man, you should have seen your face." She imitates me by widening her eyes. I break out in a laugh too. If anyone had looked in, they wouldn't have thought I was once broken over a girl.