Even Now

Chapter 42: Pardon Me

June 6, 1994: Seattle, WA, USA

Why the fuck is he still here?

Layne couldn't believe Jerry had been living with him for a week. Well, not really 'living'... more like 'crashing'- the man refused to leave, probably afraid that Layne would lock him out the first chance he got. And he probably would.

Layne had no intention of getting clean anytime soon- it was like Jerry's presence made him want to prove that to him, too.

He'd been forced to hide his stash of heroin and needles in the bathroom's medicine cabinet, keeping it locked... it wasn't like Jerry wasn't ever going to use the bathroom, so although it was incredibly inconvenient to Layne, he did the polite thing and hid away his nasty habit.

Why was Jerry there? It was understandable that he cared, and wanted to check on Layne... make sure he was still breathing, or whatever... but, damn, why'd he stay?

The two had barely spoken another word to each other since he'd imposed himself.

Layne knew why he was keeping his silence: he was stubborn. He didn't want to admit to Jerry that he had a problem, because he didn't. He also didn't want to accidentally let slip the exact reason he'd been avoiding him.

It wasn't like Layne had stopped loving Jerry... he did. And he knew Jerry loved him... he knew it was why the man refused to leave, even though he was forced to watch Layne waste away daily.

Seeing Jerry again brought back everything he'd felt, everything contained in their history...
It also brought Layne great guilt knowing he still felt something. Of course he felt something... you don't just stop loving someone, no matter how hard you may try.
If he was being honest, being without Jerry had left a hollow feeling in his chest.
Every time they were in the same vicinity, Layne felt the urge to say something... but he'd quickly shove that urge away, and it would always kill him.

How could Layne explain it to him? As stubborn as he was, Layne knew Jerry still deserved to know why he'd been shunned.

The thing is... Layne himself doesn't know exactly why he'd done that.
Maybe it was because he blamed that night in Rainier for what had happened to his unborn daughter. Jerry had had nothing to do with it... but going back to Jerry would be like admitting defeat, in a way.

Besides, Layne hated making the people he loved watch him descend into his addiction. He knew it looked awful... it didn't exactly feel too good, either.
At this point, he was trying to take just enough to keep his withdrawal symptoms at bay. The high would never be the same as it had been the first time. He felt virtually nothing anymore.

Layne didn't want to be bothered... he wasn't good enough for anyone right now, either- he'd chosen his fate.
He'd rather just wallow in it.

He was afraid to talk to Jerry about all this. Maybe, in some sick way, Jerry had been 'relieved' to know that Demri had miscarried, so that there would be fewer complications on his end... Layne shuddered at the thought.

It was so hard to trust- and Layne had always had trust issues.

Now, he was at his most vulnerable... could he trust Jerry not to leave? Not like he wanted him to stay, with his obvious ulterior motives.
Could he really believe that Jerry wasn't there just because Layne had seemingly ended things with Demri?

How would he react knowing that Demri still came around every now and then for a tryst?

It was strange that she hadn't come by recently... though, oddly, it was better that way. Less dramatic.