Even Now

Chapter 31: No Sense

~Crocodiles are symbols of wisdom and the protector and keeper of all knowledge. Therefore, this ferocious beast signifies a new beginning of the term of renewal and growth. Take time to integrate the changes in life. To see a crocodile in your dream foretells a new beginning or changes in your waking life. This dream can also indicate danger in some way. The crocodile implies deciet or someone who will cross you!~

Hey guys! Thought I'd start this chapter a lil different 😊

On to the story...

⚠️ smut...⚠️

***

February 25, 1994: Seattle, WA, USA

"Hey, y'know where we should go?"

"The Crocodile?"

"You read my mind," Layne smiles, lightly elbowing Jerry's arm as they walk side-by-side down the street. "It's been years since we've played a gig there."

Jerry starts to laugh. "Yeah. 'Cause last time we were there, you got us thrown out."

"Hey. That guy had it comin'," Layne retorts defensively.

***

He wants me to say it back. He wants me to say that I love him.
But... I don't know if I do.

Jerry's great. He's my best friend. And I do love him... but I'm not sure if it's in 'that way'.

I'd feel awful lying to him just to make him feel better for a moment. And then he'd expect more from me... I don't have a lot to give.

I'm married. And I love Demri, I really do. And we're having a baby together. That's what matters right now.

God, if it matters that much to you, why're you still giving this man the time of day?

I wish I could talk to someone about this. I wish... I wish someone knew. So I didn't have to go through this alone. And I could talk to Jerry about it- but I shouldn't. I can't just outright tell him that I don't love him back. I can't talk to him about why... he already knows why, and it hasn't stopped either of us from feeling the way that we do.

If things were different... damn, we'd be great together. We really get each other, we always have. The chemistry between us... God, it's unbelievable. And, y'know, he's not... unattractive.
Ugh. That sounds gay.

But, this is gay, isn't it? I don't feel gay... I like girls. A lot.
But, I guess... maybe I've repressed this part of myself.

Remember Nick? How you kissed him all those years ago?
You didn't find him 'unattractive'.

I wonder what might've happened if your good ol' mother didn't have to walk in...

It's always been easy being 'straight'. People accept that fact about you before they even meet you, talk to you... it's the 'default'. And I get that. By all logic, Jerry should be straight, too.
But he's not. He's just like me. And he's suffering, just as I am. He suffering even more, too... he loves me and he knows he can't have me.

I wish he could have me... as much as I love Demri, I... I wish things were different.
I wish I could say the words.
I wish I could be what Demri wants me to be. I wish I could be the father my daughter needs.
I wish I could just do things differently.

I hate everything about this situation... but I don't regret what it's given me.

Do I have a chance here? To turn things around, somehow?
And what does that even mean? Leaving Demri? Ending this thing with Jerry?