Don't Leave Me

Chapter 26-Fear kills

She wanted to say "Don't leave me", but she couldn't do it, not again. She was so tired of begging people to love her.
-Kristin Hannah, The nightingale

I took a long breath before knocking on Piper's door. She didn't answer. I sighed. I really didn't want to deal with this right now.

"Piper, please open. I'm trying to apologize and it's kind of hard to do that through a door."

I waited a few seconds and the door opened. Well, at least she wasn't crying. I would have probably turned around and left if she was.

"Can I come in?" I asked.

She stared at me for a few seconds, then nodded. We both sat on her bed.

I was careful to choose my words wisely. "I was a bitch. But I swear I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, or shame you, or make you uncomfortable and insecure. It all just came out wrong. I am really sorry. I know things are already awkward, I didn't mean to make it even worse."

She nodded and picked at her hands. "It's just kind of hard. I know I could never compare to you." Her voice was just above a whisper. When I heard her words something in my heart softened.

"That's not true. Plus, why would you want to be like me?" I huffed. She was perfect. Perfect curly blonde hair, blue eyes that could charm the heart of any man and the body of a goddess. And on top of that, she was smart, kind, funny, loyal and she could love unconditionally. Why would she want to be like me?

"Because he loves you." Her honesty made my heart sink. Oh, God.

I wanted to say something, anything but I didn't know what.

"I know you don't mean bad, and neither does he. And I know you can't help it and that you have a long history together. But some things really hurt. And seeing how the two of you are... I know that I'll never have that with him; or with anyone for that matter. I am still trying to accept it."

"I'm sorry." I was, but there wasn't much I could do. I was so frustrated, because I wanted to tell her that everything would work out. But what if it didn't? I knew James still loved me, and I still loved him. That wasn't going to change anytime soon. But loving me doesn't mean that he couldn't love her, too.

"Can I ask how the two of you met?" Piper asked, trying to change the subject. She must have seen that I was getting upset I couldn't make her feel better. And she, being Piper, probably got upset that I was upset, so she tried to make me feel better. She smiled a little, urging me to answer. I wasn't sure why she asked that question. The answer wouldn't bring her a lot of comfort, it wouldn't make her feel better. But perhaps she just wants to understand us better.

I sighed thinking about those horrible times. This wasn't a story I enjoyed telling, or that I enjoyed talking about.

"Well... I was a drug addict." I started with a shrug. "I really liked getting in trouble; and James... he wanted to help. But I didn't want his help. And I made that clear, several times." I huffed, rolling my eyes. "But he couldn't take a hint and just wouldn't quit. He would come over to my house to help me with homework. He would stay late with me to make sure that I wasn't going to go meet my dealer to get drugs." I sighed. He did so much more, but I couldn't bring myself to reveal all of those things. He held me at night, when I couldn't sleep and would just spend the whole night crying. He fed me when I refused to eat. He held my hair and patted my back when I eventually threw up everything I ate. He would comfort me and tell me everything would work out when all I wanted to do was scream. He did everything. He was my yellow. He will always be that person.

"Lara was already helping me and she got me into rehab." I continued after a long pause. "And James would come visit me to help me catch up on school. My therapist actually recommended to spend as much time with him as possible."