Don't Leave Me

Chapter 28-Secret sorrows

The feeling you get in your stomach, when your heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies died.
-unknown

"I don't want you to touch me." I said quietly.

"Okay." He nodded.

"I don't want you to be too close to me either."

"Okay. Is it alright if I sit here?" He asked motioning to the chair against the wall in front of me. It was on the other side of the room.

"Yes, it's perfect."

He didn't seem bothered by my request. But he seemed worried.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the pregnancy." My voice broke and I had to stop and take a deep breath. "I was going to..."

"When? After you gave birth?" His voice was calm but his words hurt. "I know you've been through a lot, but I would have liked to be there for you. You don't have to do everything alone."

"I wasn't alone."

"No, of course not, you had Kane." The sarcasm in his voice made me angry.

I sighed. "You've been through a lot, too. And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. But I couldn't be."

"Don't change the subject, this isn't about me."

"That's not what I'm doing. I'm trying to apologize. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the babies, I'm sorry that because of me you were stuck in Kane's house and I'm sorry you had to witness me getting raped!" I really didn't mean to raise my voice, but it happened.

His face was completely blank. But I knew he was angry. His jaw was flexed and his whole body was tense.

"I..." He took a deep breath. "I can't even imagine what you went through, and you're worrying about me?"

"Yes."

We stood in silence staring at each other unable to form a coherent conversation. He was angry and frustrated and so was I.

"I didn't know you knew Max. I would have told you about him."

"When did you find out?" I asked.

"A few days after we came back."

I closed my eyes feeling the world shake. He's known for months and I just found out today.

"Are you okay?" He asked me and I nodded unable to form words.

After I managed to get it together, I studied him.

"How have you been?"

"Fine." He replied.

I huffed. I bet he was as fine as me.

"I would have liked you to be there, too. The first time I looked at the sonogram..." I took a deep breath.

He looked at the ground and flexed his jaw.

"You deserved to be there. I'm sorry. I understand that you're upset."

"Upset is an understatement, Kora." His voice was cold. I nodded. "You wanted everyone there except me. Everybody knew, except me. Do you know how that feels?"

"I do. I was the last one to know I lost them."

He ran a hand over his face.

"I..." I began but I felt the tears were about to fall. I looked up to the lights to stop myself from crying. "I'm not trying to excuse my behavior but... I mean it when I say I couldn't have you near me. Every time I close my eyes, I feel his hands on my body, I feel him... inside of me. But I don't see him. I see you." I said and he looked like I just slapped him.