You and I, Do or Die - A Lams Modern HS AU

Chapter 16 - Rain

Chapter 16 - Rain

(Trigger Warnings: panic attack, thoughts about death, suicide, parent death)

{Alexander's POV}

John Laurens loves me.

That's the only thought coursing through my mind as him and I stroll our way back home after our date at the lake under the willow tree.

He loves me.

John steps into the porch of his home, opening the door for me and allowing me to go in first. "After you, sir." I smiled and he kissed my hand as I walked in, him walking right after me and shutting the door. Peggy had gone since John's parents had come home and could take care of Avery. We walked up the stairs and into his room, kissing each other deeply until we collapsed on his bed in each other's arms. We were thinking about going to sleep, but we decided it's a Saturday, we don't have school tomorrow. The night began to appear right before our eyes, and the clouds were beginning to roll in. I didn't think much of it, there are thousands more cloudy days than there are rainy. John yanked me down into his lap and kissed me once more, grabbing the remote and turning on the TV. "What would you like to watch, Lexi?" I grabbed his hand and the remote slid between both of our hands, down into John's lap.

"Anything you want to watch." John nodded and turned me around, snuggling his head close to my neck. Next thing I knew, the black sky was darker than before. And I heard a very faint, very little boom of thunder in the distance. My head jerked over to the window and I crawled over to it, looking up at the sky. It was probably just a fluke, there's not going to be a storm. No rain, no thunder, no lightning. I turned my head away from the window and watched the TV, searching for something to watch as John scrolled through netflix.

Another boom of thunder from outside.

This time, John noticed easily the way that I jumped and flinched, bringing my hand down to my arm and lightly scratching at it. He leaned forward and gently grabbed one of my wrists, pulling it away from my arm and kissing each one of my fingers. "You're alright. If anything happens, just hold me as tight as you can, okay?" I looked up at him with worry and nodded, scooting closer to him and sticking my hand down one of the rips in his jeans, holding onto it for dear life. He began to rub my tense shoulders in attempts to get me to lower them and get them away from my head.

As every few seconds would go by, another burst of thunder would erupt and feel as if it's shaking the ground, and the moment I heard the slightest trickle of rain, I immediately was sent into a flashback.

{Flashback, 2nd Grade Alexander}

The flatline of my mothers bed was ringing through my ears, I didn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it was true, no, it's not true. She's not gone, she's going to be back.

I was screaming at the top of my lungs, pleading for my mother to be back in my arms. Security guards had to take me out of the room, I wouldn't let them take me. I wouldn't let them rip me apart of the only thing keeping me alive.

"Mom! Mom! Mommy, please! You can't leave me!"

I was dragged out of sight of her limp and pale body. I thrashed, kicked, and screamed in the arms of the guards, my feet dragging against the tile as soon as I had given up, allowing the men carrying me to drag me out of the hospital and into the pouring rain to wait for someone to pick me up, take me to the orphanage since nobody wanted me.

{End of Flashback}

I jolted upwards as a crash of lightning and a flash of light showed through the window. I flew back and fell off of John's bed with a thud, screaming my lungs out and crying, begging for my mother. "Make it stop, please! Mom, please mom!" John attempted to reach toward me, but I just screamed and kicked my legs towards him, clawing at my face and bawling my eyes out.

Mom, come back.

Please..

I began furiously clawing at my arms, John trying to decide whether to help me or to let me calm down. I was too focused on trying to maul myself to notice that I was not being held, whispered to and my back was being rubbed. I continued screaming into his chest, each scream forming into a muffled sob whenever I let out all of my air. The only thing I could make out in the middle of my screams were John's voice, speaking a few soft reassurances into my ear.

The rain started to crash harder and harder and soon I couldn't take it anymore, nothing would calm me from my attack, not even John. I pulled away from his body, sliding out of his lap and scrambling out of the room on all fours since I couldn't even try to stand on two feet. I heard footsteps after me and John tried a couple attempts in getting me back where it was safe.

But nowhere felt safe. Nowhere was safe without my mom. I would never be safe if I wasn't in my moms lap with her arms wrapped around me, humming a soft tune. I would never be safe. Ever again.

I finally managed to get a balance on my two legs and stood up, holding onto the banister of the stairs and trying to get over them. It was the highest place I could find, somewhere that might send me to my mother. John wrapped his arms around me and yanked me back while I screamed for her to come back to me, and I was dragged back into John's room to be left a sobbing and wailing mess. John's parents came rushing into the room the moment they heard my screams and questioned John about the situation I was in. I heard them trying to speak over my sobs as I shook violently in John's lap, clinging to his shirt and shaking my head around.

Once John could finally get a short sentence of "he's having a panic attack" out of his mouth, they both rushed over to me and I stared at them through blurred tears, shaking my head at everything they told me. "Alex, Alex just take deep breaths, alright? With me, deep breath in.." I blinked the continuous tears out of my eyes and took a shaky breath in, holding it and shaking my hands around. "Good, now out.." I let out my breath and immediately let out more sobs, clawing at my jeans and trying to break the skin. John and his dad were having a hushed conversation in the corner, his dad stood up and left the room, heading downstairs. Meanwhile, John headed over to me and pulled a hoodie out from the closet, gently pulling it over my head and letting me pull my arms through the sleeves. Me and his mom practiced calming exercises, but each time I focused back on the rain, I would be sent straight back into my panic.

It was only when I heard speakers downstairs, blasting a song at the loudest volume. I was too caught up in the moment to realize what song it was before the actual lyrics came on, John's dad walking back up the stairs. I wiped my eyes and could no longer hear any of the rain crashing against the window, all that filled my ears were the loud booms and vibrations of the music.

You can count on me, like one, two, three, and I'll be there.. And I know when I need it, I can count on you, like four, three, two.. and you'll be there..

John's arms gently reached forward and he watched me, tilting his head with worry. I crawled into his lap and sniffled the last few tears away, brushing my hair against his neck and sighing. He rubbed my back and kissed my forehead and cheeks, smooth, long strokes running up and down my back.

After the rain had calmed down, we turned down the volume of the music and John's parents left after they knew I was alright. He lifted me up and we sat face to face with me in John's lap. Our bodies were pressed up against each other as he kissed my dried tears off of my face, laying on his back and letting me rest on his stomach.

The dark night surrounded us and the room, moonlight shaping our bodies and curves perfectly. We kissed a few times between questions about what we should do.

"We could always just lay here and fall asleep." John seemed to like my suggestion, pulling me down against the bed and yanking the covers over us. We had a short and calm makeout session, and the moment we pulled away from each other's lips for air the first time, we wrapped our limbs around each other and began to yawn. John stroked my back, sliding his hands under my shirt and pulling me up against his body. The warmth in our bodies warmed us under the blanket in the cold night, and we both slowly fell into sleep.

{Word Count: 1,569}