You and I, Do or Die - A Lams Modern HS AU

Chapter 19 - Bullies

Chapter 19 - Bullies

(Trigger Warnings: Mentions of wanting to self harm/die, mentions of past self harm scars, Sexual assault, Getting beaten up, bullying)

{Alexander's POV}

I woke up on a brisk winter evening, my eyes slowly opening. As always, I was laying in John's bed, with him snoring beside me. God, he looked so much better than I did right now. Even when he was sleeping, snoring and drooling all over the pillow, he still looked so much better than I would ever be. I sit up, patting John's shoulder lightly and sighing, speaking in a whisper so I wouldn't wake him up. "God, this hurts." I say as my sleeves are rolled up, revealing the dozen scars on my wrists. To be honest, it hurts more now than it did when I was actually committing the act of self harm. Nevertheless, I feel like I want to do it again. That I deserve to be in this much pain. More cuts along my wrists couldn't hurt, could it? John began to stir, and I quickly rolled my sleeves down, muffling a whimper by covering my mouth. "Lex?" John had opened his eyes, and was now looking up at me since he was still half asleep.

"Mmm." Was all I responded, fiddling with my sleeve wondering if John had seen my wrists. A hand was placed on my shoulder, a chin on the other one. "You gonna get ready for school with me? I'll make ya some ramen if you want." I shook my head, not in the mood to eat today. I felt as if I should punish myself, hurt myself for making the terrible mistake of thinking the worst in the birthday situation. John sighed and sat criss cross, pulling me into his lap so my back was against his chest. We both sat in a comfortable silence until John's alarm on his phone went off, shattering the silence I enjoyed. He reached over and turned off the alarm, getting off the bed and taking his shirt off. Shit. I'm gonna have to make him leave the room or I have to change in the bathroom, my cuts are far too fresh to be hidden in with the color of my skin. They've barely formed scabs over them yet. John changed into a yellow shirt and slipped on a denim jacket after, and surprisingly began to pull his pants down. He was always more comfortable about changing in front of me than I was of him.

After John was done changing he was now wearing his school outfit, looking over at me and smiling. "Okay, you can change now, closets all yours." This would be hard. I stood up, walking over to the closet and picking out a large black hoodie with a simple pair of jeans. After that was finished, I shuffled over to John and nudged him towards the door. "Out.." He seemed clearly concerned, as we have grown comfortable with changing in front of each other in the same room, except I make John turn around.

"Wait, what? Why? You can change here, I can look away." I began shaking my head continuously. I can't risk him thinking he's being funny by taking a peek at me without me noticing and him accidentally seeing my wrists. "N-no.. Out." This felt horrible, doing this to him. We've gotten so comfortable and yet I'm pushing him away because of a stupid mistake I made. John slowly turned to the door, looking back at me and sighing as he walked out and shut the door. I began changing as fast as I could, avoiding looking at my arms while doing so. Once I was fully changed, I opened the door to see that John was right next to it, slouched against the wall on the floor. He looked up at me and stood up as I flashed him a fake smile, holding one of my wrists as it ached from rubbing against the fabric.

"That's kind of.. dark." He stated, staring down at my outfit. I didn't see any difference between this and what I always wear. The full black hoodie I was wearing just had a skull on it, with a few wilting roses planted inside of the cracks. Along with a pair of simple dark blue jeans. "Wha? How? It's.. just a hoodie." He shot me a strange glance and shrugged, reaching his arms up. "You're acting strange. Could I at least carry you? Please?" Well now he's onto me. I nodded and stood against him, jumping up as he scooped an arm under me, petting my hair. We made our way down the stairs and into the kitchen, John grabbing a granola bar he could eat on the way to school.