spite || levi x reader

0 - 9

Isabel slips, and you shoot your hooks into the back of the titan's neck. You swing your blades, but you miss, and when you turn around again, she's being pulled at in two different directions by two titans-

At the last second, her eyes lock on you. Her face is devoid of any expression as she says, "this is your fault."

Then she's torn in half, and you're drowning in blood, and-

"No!"

You sit up, the scream dying in your throat, hand reaching out to something that's not there. It takes you a moment to realize where you are (still in your hospital room) but by the time you've gathered your bearings, the vividness of your dream starts sinking onto your shoulders. 

You want to lie and tell yourself it wasn't real, and although that exact scenario isn't what came up in your memory, it still makes your insides churn. You want to douse your brain in some sort of acid and scrub it clean.

Your breakfast is already sitting on the side table, so you eat by yourself. It's awful, being alone with your thoughts. After such a vivid memory, you should be trying to write down as much as you can, or at the very least, relay the information to someone.

You can't wipe the look in Isabel's eyes from your mind.

A minute later, you stumble into your bathroom, vomiting up the contents of your breakfast. You can't erase the memory from your head, as much as you desperately wish you could. How odd. You spent months longing for memories, to remember something, anything, and now you want nothing more than to sink your brain into acid and pretend you never remembered anything to begin with.

Thankfully, your first visitor is Hange and not Levi. They come in, as bubbly as usual, bandages wrapped around their wrist. "Nothing major, just fell," they say with a wave of their good hand. "You're the important one, though! How was your first- well, second- time outside the walls?"

"I remember how they died," you say hollowly.

Hange pauses. "They? You mean- your friends?"

"Yeah."

For a rare moment, your friend is quiet, drinking in what you said and perhaps registering the haunted look in your eyes. "Ah, well, that's the life of the scouts," they say softly, taking a seat next to your bed. "We lost six people yesterday. Just a simple scouting mission to check out the forest and we still lost six."

You didn't know that. "Does it get easier?" you whisper. "Seeing everyone die?"

Hange smiles wryly. "I guess anything would be easier than the deaths of your closest friends."

You purse your lips and look down, starting to feel embarrassed. You're reeling from a memory of nearly seven months ago, but the rest of the Survey Corps go through this every single mission and keep it together.

"Don't beat yourself up," Hange says, as if they can sense what you're thinking. "You're remembering them only now. It's bound to be tough."

"Thanks," you mutter.

The two of you sit in silence for a while. Hange casually turns their wrist over in their lap, giving you your space. You glance at your window; although it only shows you the side of another building, you can see the light rainfall coming down.

You need to talk to Levi. Even if you don't want to, you need to tell him what you know. "Hange?" you whisper. "Where's Levi?"

They stand up. "I'll get him."

"Oh- I can go to him," you protest, swinging your legs off the side of the hospital bed. "It's no big deal."

Hange puts a hand on your shoulder. You're a bit surprised by the sudden urge to strip the hand off and shove them away- how weird of you. "Relax. Stay here. I'll go grab him." They smile wryly. "Besides, I think he's having tea."