Ablaze |Season 1|

Chapter 50

FERISH

SHE IS in love with me.

Nanghihinang napaupo ako sa sofa at hindi alam ang dapat na unahin dahil bigla niya akong iniwan mag-isa rito sa dorm matapos niyang umamin. Huminga ako nang malalim at napahawak sa bandang dibdib nang makaramdam doon ng kirot. I know that I am not dying, but this hurts.

Napahawak din ako sa ulo ko. Octavia defined me as the blaze who set her ablaze, and she is burning because of me. How... I don't get---how can she love someone she does not fully know?

No. How can she adore such darkness as if it was a light who embraced her? Hindi ko rin maintindihan, pero hindi ko rin naman inasahan na aamin siya. I was going to talk to her about it, but she found me first. Summer knows what I've been doing, and she's clearly against it.

Hindi rin naman ako masaya nung umalis ako ng tatlong araw kasama si Zeri. We went to Greece to visit them because my presence is needed. Sadyang binilisan ko lang para makauwi na agad. I'm afraid that she will be alone once I am not beside her.

"What to do..." I whispered shakily, a little frustrated because she did not even try to hear me. Octavia just left without saying a word after kissing me.

I heaved a deep sigh again. Parang nung nakaraan lang ay sinasabi niyang straight siya. Hindi ko naman napansin na ako pala ang nagugustuhan niya dahil ang akala ko ay iba.

Nanghihinang humiga ako sa sofa at tumitig nang mariin sa kisame na parang nandoon ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko, pero wala. Nag-isip na lang ako nang nag-isip hanggang sa maramdaman ang pagod sa buong katawan ko.

"She loves me, hmm?" I whispered to myself, remembering every beautiful emotion that she showed me, and she does not need any proof for me to understand, because she already made me feel her sincerity.

"Do I deserve it?" I asked myself, not certain to what she said earlier.

I deserve the best, so she's fixing herself to be the best version of herself. Bakit ba puro ako ang inisip niya? Paano naman siya? Did she deserve me?

She does not know the half of my life. She does not know anything but the words that I chose for her to know.

I gently closed my eyes, feeling tired. Wala na akong lakas para mag-isip pa at tumayo. I've been feeling drained for the past few days because of everything that she has been happening.

Hindi na nakakatuwa. May isang subject pa ako na dapat pasukan ngayong hapon, pero pagod na talaga ako. Not even a piece of energy was left in my body to move and study.

As I closed my eyes, I remembered her again. I remembered Lee. I remembered the sparkle of happiness and gentleness in her kind eyes. I remember her well, even her words of affection and her stares of deep emotion.

"I love you, Ferish..."

She loves me.

Now, the decision is up to me. I told her that I want to keep her, and I am well aware of the words that I said.

Should I take the risk?

She was hurt because of my stupidity. I was selfish. I really want to hide from everyone. Not only to Octavia, but to all of people. I do not want to face another day. I do not want to face the people. I do not want to battle with my inner monsters because once again, I am tired of everything.

It was the only decision that I've come up with. I always have to face this kind of day. I... pagod na rin ako.

I do not have to hide from her. I can be vulnerable with her. I can finally be weak.