~ 𝙰𝚖𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 ~

you don't love me the way I love you [Kai Anderson X reader]

Written by anna-pixie on Tumblr, give them a follow!

request: cult kai admitting his feelings to the reader

pairings: kai anderson x reader

warnings: swearing, slight violence, slight mention of sex, cults

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You shift nervously as Kai lifts his pinky finger towards you, trying to avert your gaze as you think of an excuse that can get you out of this.

You know he’s been suspicious lately, because, frankly, you’ve been acting suspiciously. He probably thinks you’re having second thoughts about your mission. You’re not, you never would. But you have been thinking lately, pondering whether you would be happier if you left. Not because you don’t believe in the group, but because of the way your skin crawls everytime Kai even smiles at another girl in the group.

You’re not usually the jealous type, but this is Kai we’re talking about. You fell in love with him the second you saw him, and he had you under his spell and in his control within weeks of meeting you. Granted, you were submissive by nature. I guess you could say your whole being was an insult to feminism, but you just needed someone to lead you in life. Kai was your person.

Turns out he was Meadow’s person too. And Beverly’s person. And Ivy’s person. You’d been shocked at that last one, you thought she was a lesbian. He wasn’t shy about the fact that he had sex with all of the women in the cult, it was like a badge of honour to him. No one else was allowed to have sex, but he could go from woman to woman like it was nobodys business.

The first time you heard him was about 2 weeks after you had officially joined the cult, you stopped by after work as per Kai’s request. You had a key made so you had let yourself in easily, confused when you didn’t find Kai in the basement. But then you did find him, on the floor of the storage closet, with his dick inside Meadow.

You never realised that heartbreak was literal, but you swore in that moment, you felt a piece of your heart chip away. So you started to withdraw, it was too painful to be around them all the time. Even more so when you realised it wasn’t just meadow he was fucking.

You sigh, reluctantly linking your pinky with his. You can’t say no to him.

“Complete, total truth.” Kai’s voice is deep, intimidating. He’s ready to extract information from you.

“Complete, total truth.” You parrot, your voice soft as you prepare for the inevitable.

“I’m not happy with you, Y/N.” He starts, your shoulders drooping at his tone of utter disappointment, “I’m not an idiot. I’m observant. I notice things. And I’ve noticed that you don’t give a single fuck about our mission.” His voice is venomous, each word slicing through you like a specially sharpened knife, “I’m giving you one chance to tell me what is going on. I want my sweet girl back. Are you still my sweet girl, Y/N?”

Your eyes well up, but you can’t bring yourself to avoid his gaze, “I am, supreme leader, I- I am.”

“This is our time, baby, call me Kai.”

You let out a breath and realise that it’s now or never.

“I- I can’t stand here every day and smile, when I know that I’m always going to love you more than I can handle and you’re never going to be able to give it back to me. I-” You choke on a sob as your words get lost, trying to pull your pinky back. Kai tightens his grip around your finger, not letting you pull away.

“Keep. Talking.”

“I saw… saw you with Meadow. And I know you do the same with Beverley, Ivy, all of them. It hurts, everytime you look at them, smile at them, talk to them.” Your voice rises, you’re borderline hysterical now, “I want you, I want to love you, and be with you, and have you. But I can’t share you. I know I’m selfish, and if you want to kick me out that’s okay. I understand.”

You don’t know what you expect from Kai. Screaming? Yelling? Cursing?

But he laughs, a head back, proper belly laugh. Your brows furrow and you watch him carefully, wincing as his finger tightens painfully around yours. Is he having another one of his episodes?

He stops laughing suddenly, releasing your finger which is now a deep red. He beckons you over to him, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms behind his head. You stand up, legs shaky as you walk slowly towards him. He pounces as soon as you’re in arms reach, grabbing you and slamming you back against the table. You wince as the wood digs into your lower back, but you can’t move, Kai’s arms are on either side of you, caging you in.

“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N.” He sighs, looking at me like I’m a puppy that has just been kicked. He grabs my chin and tips it up so my lips are hovering near his, “I don’t feel things, the way you do. I like sex, so I have sex. I don’t love, I don’t think I can love. But, the way I feel towards you, I think that’s the closest I’ll ever get to love.”

Your breath stills as you try to process what is going on. He’s joking right? He’s going to make you think it’s real and then laugh in your face when you believe him. He did that the other week, when he did a faux-Jim Jones and made you all drink ‘poisoned’ flavour-aid. But the way he says this, something about his tone, the way he’s looking at you. It’s real, raw, you’ve never seen this side of him before.

“I-I… don’t know what to say.” Your brain is blank, failing to come up with any sort of statement.

“Don’t say anything. Words ruin everything.” His voice is low and he grips your chin once more, pulling your lips up to meet his.

The kiss is just so… so Kai. It is messy, teeth clashing, blood drawing. But it’s also soft, because it’s the most meaningful kiss the two of you have ever experienced. He groans into your mouth, repeating the words ‘my sweet girl’ over and over as he slips his tongue between your lips.

He fucks you, more passionately than the others, with more care than the others. There is a delicious contrast between pain and care, he apologised when he accidentally bumped your head with his, yet he marked your skin and choked you with no second thoughts.

You were surprised when he pulled out his favourite knife, carving a bloody heart just above your collarbone, and you smiled.

That was his way of saying ‘I love you.’