Before you knew

32.

We sit in Nicks bedroom.

'I just don't know anymore. It's so different now and I don't like it.' I say. Nick chuckles 'you don't like caring about someone?' He asks. 'No i do, I do, but.... it's different.' I say. 'You missed his when you were back home, or the Netherlands, so what? It's normal. You get used to having someone around.' He says. 'No but....' I don't know what I was planning to say. 'You like him?' He asks. 'I do.' I say. Of course I do. He's nice and caring, fun to be around, ya know. But I care about a lot of people. Like Nick, Kim and mom. And all my other friends. They wouldn't be close to you if you didn't like them. 'Then what's the problem?' Nick asks. I look up to meet his eyes.

'I don't want to care anymore.' I say before looking away again.

'What's so bad about caring? He cares about you.' Nick says. I sigh 'I don't want to care about him. I don't want to like him. I don't want to miss him. If it all just stopped I could go back to my easy life.' I say. Nick chuckles 'you don't honestly want that.' He says. I look at him. I open my mouth to protest but can't make myself lie.

'What do I do, Nick.' I say. 'Talk to him!' He says upbeat. 'No, no I can't just tell him all that.' I say. 'Why not?' He asks. 'You know why not.' I say. He shrugs. 'How else will he understand?' I look at him as he lets himself fall back on the bed. 'He doesn't have to. I don't even understand.' I say.

We lay in bed as I stare up at the ceiling.

Morning comes fast enough  and Nick offers to drive me back.

I hug him before getting out after saying thank you for listening to my bullshit all night.
I drag myself up the three steps before unlocking the front door. When I open the door Clay stays at the other end of the hall, probably wanting to go upstairs. He look at one another in silence before he opens his arms for a hug. I close the door behind me and walk over, resting my head against his chest and wrapping my arms loosely around his torso. 'Glad you're back.' He says softly. I let out a deep breath before pulling away, having him let me go. 'I'm going to shower.' I say. He nods as I make my way up the stairs without taking off my shoes.

I let myself fall face first onto the bed.
What the hell do I tell Clay?