Before you knew

151. Call.

Here we go.
I let the phone ring Till it gets answered.

The known sound of my FaceTime getting answered.
My mother's face pops onto my screen with a bright smile.
'Hunny!'

A smile pushes through my nerves and sadness.
'Hey mom.'

Her expression saddens at my greeting.
'What's wrong?'

I sigh and look into the hallway.
'Something happened, mom. I don't know what to do.'
Worry shows on her knitted brows.
'What is it sweetie?'

'I.... I'm pregnant.'
My eyes lower in shame.

'Why is that so bad?'
She asks after a long silence.
'I may not want the child.'

'Oh sweetie.'

Tears well up in my eyes.
'I don't know what to do mom.'
My breathing quickens as the first tears slips away.

'Calm down Hunny. Is Clay the father?'
I nod and wipe my tears.
'Well that's good.'

I glance at the screen and see her hold her hand over her forehead.
'What does He think.'

I take a deep breath, steadying my voice.
'He wants to keep it.'

=Clay=

I'm sitting at my desk, wanting to do work.
Yet I lean my arms on the desk and stare at the wooden surface.
Till....

I pick up and answer my phone tiredly.
'Clay.'
The voice greeting me back makes me look up.
'Hello Clay, how are you?'

Amelia's mom, Wendy.
'Hi, I-uh I'm alright, how are u?'

'I'm good, thank you. Amelia called me earlier, she told me she's carrying your child.'

My chest tightens.
What is going to happen?

'She is.'
My voice is careful.

'She's scared, Clay.'
I sigh 'I know that, I won't force her.'

'She has a reason to be scared. You have met her father.'
Realization hit me. Trauma.
I can't protect the kid from the pains of the world.
She... she's scared that something like that will repeat.
Like me or her will be bad for this kid, even if it isn't in the degree of what she went through.

'...Clay?'
How could I have missed that.
'Yes. Yes I know.'
How can I fixed what has happened?
What can I say to let her know it's different now.

'She's scared you'll leave and the child will be hurt because of it.
Yet it sounded like she knew that you wouldn't leave.
She has had a hard past, the divorce between me and her father was hard.
Her father was cruel.'

I can't figure out what to say.
There's a soft knock on the door.
'Clay, I...'

Amelia stops speaking when she sees I'm on the phone.
'Coffee?' She asks quietly.
I give her my most convincing smile and nod.
She slips out of the room.

'You have to understand this.
Its not you.
Life just hasn't treated her right,
And she can't see a reason why it would now.'

But.
'But I love her.
I don't know what else I can do.'
When the silence falls, I can hear the static of the phone.

'Im afraid you can't do more then you have.
Just.... try to let her know you're there.
Convince her that the kid will be alright.
She wants this, she's just scared.'

The line beeps and I lay my phone down.
And as I stare into nothingness with a heavy heart, a tear slips down my face.
I can't do more then convince her it'll be alright.
But I've been doing that.

So this won't end well.
Not for me, at least.

My heart clenches, and my chest feels crushed.
I can't change her past.

The knock on the door makes me jump and  wipe my face.
The door opens and she walks in with her light footsteps.
I pretend to go through my mail as she sets the cup down.
I need to gather my mind somehow, I can't talk now.

She can't see that I've cried, right?
Her eyes linger a little to long before she moves back.

Yet I don't hear her leave.
She has nothing else to do in my office.

My chair shifts as weight is pressed against the back.
Cold fingers run through my hair, fixing the mess I've made of it.
Tears start again.
The other hand resting on my shoulder,
Cold of her fingers seeping through my shirt.

'Why are you crying Clay?'
Her voice is soft and caring.
The comfort of the sweet touch of her hands.
'Because you're scared, and I get why.'

Her hand moves through my hair again, sending shivers down my back.
'So mom called you then?' She asks.
I nod as the hand on my shoulder moves down,
Resting over my heart.

An unfair advantage.
My heart gives away what my words don't.

'I......