Before you knew

77. How long.

I've laid in bed for a while, staring up and the moonlight lit ceiling.

I just don't understand.
How did it damage him this much, even though he knows I survived. He was so upset when I left. I forced him to except that, yet he didn't want to. But... me being alive is not a hard fact to accept, right? He had nightmares every night? I turn and look at him. He looks peaceful right now, moonlight dancing on his skin. It doesn't look like anything can disturb him right now. He said he couldn't do anything when it happened. Because I locked him inside. And I locked him in because I didn't want him to get hurt. I know that if it were me in his place I would have been as damaged as he is.

Imagine having to watch him get shot right in front of me, while I'm too far away to do anything. Imagine watching the ambulance drive off and thinking he was going to die. Sitting at his bed for hours after waiting longer. Just imagine. I clench my jaw at the thought. Alright now I get where he's coming from but I can't do more then be alive.

I watch another half hour pass on the alarm clock on the nightstand.

'Mgh' He shifts a little next to me. I look next to me to see him frowning.
Nightmare?
His hand twitches as his expression changes a little. I don't know how to stop this. I don't want him to be upset. He moves a little more onto his back. And lets out a small sound. The frown turns into a sadder expression as his breathing quickens. I move a little closer and hold his arm, hoping that the contact will ease the nightmare a little. He makes another sound and I can swear I heard the faintest No in it. He moves more, making me let go of his arm. His breath hitches. 'Jesus.' He's really struggling. 'Clay.' I say as I reach out. He rolls back before my hand reaches him. He's breathing heavy and sweating a little by now. Looking more stressed and upset by the second. I decide to reach out again. 'No please!' His eyes open, his sudden loud words making me jump. 'Please...' he begs as he sits up and holds his head in his hands. 'No.' He sobs out.

This.
This is what he's been going through every single night?
Alone?

'Clay.' I sit up as well and lay my hand on his back. The door opens to my mom looking worried. 'What's going on?' She asks as my sister sleepily follows. 'I had a nightmare, it's fine I'm sorry...' Clay says as he catches his breath. 'Alright....' mom says before closing the door.

"Same thing again?' I ask softly. He sniffles and wipes his eyes before sitting up straighter. 'Yeah... sorry to wake you.' He says. 'I didn't sleep, it's okay.' I say. He looks at me, eyes glinstering in the light of the full moon. My face saddens as I reach out. I hold his face in my hands, softly wiping my thumbs across the warm skin. 'It's okay.' I say. His eyes stay locked on mine as he seems frozen in my touch. 'You're Okay.' He says. I nod with a forced smile 'I am.'

He moves my hands away and pulls me to him, carefully hugging me. My aching chest stings at the touch of his arm against my shoulder. 'I swear if I have to see you die one more time I'm going to loose it.' He mumbles into the skin on the base of my neck. 'You still can? I thought you lost it ages ago.' I joke. He chuckles, his breath tickling the skin on my neck.

I want to ask if he's tired after a while, but the yawn gives me the answer of the unasked question. 'Go back to sleep.' I tell him as I carefully push him back a little. He moves away and lays down, so I lay down as well. 'Goodnight.' I say as I wiggle into a comfortable position, but Clay pulls me closer to him. 'Can I keep you close for a bit?' He asks. 'Well that depends.' I say back. 'On what?' He asks confused. 'How long are you planning on holding me close?' I ask. 'Till I decide not to anymore.' He says. The plain answer makes me feel a little disappointed. 'That may be forever, I don't know.' He says. I look up at the man I'm laying against. 'Would that be okay?' He asks as he moves back a little so he can look at me. I hum as I snuggle into his chest

'forever will do.'