Before you knew

159. Fear.

'I'm too scared.'

He looks at me with sadness.
'I know it's been scary, kid. But it's not fair to assume you and Clay are going to be the same.'
I sigh and move my hand through my hair before pulling my legs to my chest.
'I've really tried. I want to have this kid, but I'm too scared to go though it all.'

'I understand. But getting an abortion without Clay knowing is wrong of you.'

'It won't make him feel better if he's there.'

Dennis looks at me.
He couldn't have a kid with his ex wife.
He knows my fears and he knows that I would want this child if not for the fear.
Yet he, more then anyone, knows what it's like to loose an unborn child without having any part in it.

Cruel, he had said when I was younger.
The most painful thing that happened to him.

Yet he won't push me through my fears.
If I don't want this it's not happening.

'When will you tell him?'
'I won't.'

He frowns at me and sits up straighter.
'Amelia.' He warns.

'Don't do to him what Tina did to me.'
I look away in shame.
'I can't tell him.'

He sighs.
He's frustrated with me,
I know.
And he has the right to be.
Yet het stands up,
And sits next to me.

'You'll have to do it all on your own.'
I nod. I know that too.

When I'm in bed, Clay calls.
Yet I can't get myself to answer after the conversation I had with my uncle.
Take it easy. Let it slip your mind and life with him on his birthday.
After that, all hell will break loose.

So I do.

I'm getting ready in the guest bedroom in my uncle's house.
A dark red dress on and black heels.
Hair loose and a little makeup on.

Nick and George will make sure Clay dresses up as well.
When downstairs, Dennis waits for me in fancy clothes too.
He's still not too pleased with me.

We make our way over as my heart feels heavy.

I can imagine holding him for the fist time.....
So small.....

I close my eyes at the memory.
I'm sorry for this but I can't live in fear anymore.
As much as I want this too.
I don't want the child to hurt.

We'll learn him how to get up....

How to tie his shoes.......

Oh If tragedy is glorious, why am I drowning in the blackness of despair?
The pain of the unloving and overbearing.

'You're fucking useless!'  Oh how I remember the tingling pain on my cheek. 'A waist of air, that's all you are!' The air gets caught in my throat as it did back then too. Four years old. The hatred in my fathers eyes was scary.

'Just 83? Are you dumb as well? What the hell can you do?' Bitter pain that became a normal in our house. Thirteen years old. Getting the highest score of the class didn't matter if it wasn't perfect. 'Go to your fucking room.'

The sound of our old Jeep fills my mind in memory. The harsh hand that grabbed me and pushed me into the garage. 'And not a sound.' Door getting locked from outside. Oh the feeling of the toxic gas filling my lungs and numbing my mind as I slammed the door, in hopes to be saved. 'Amelia!' My moms voice was angelic 'hunny! Are you there?' I had reached up to the door 'mom....'

Age of fifteen.

The disgusted look my father had given me when I woke up in the hospital,
Lungs burning in my chest.

'Amelia-'

The memories leave my mind, and I finally notice the cold tears on my cheeks.
The car stands still, warm lights in trees inviting.
Clay reaches for my face as Dennis, Nick and Alyssa watch.
'I'm....' I feel winded.

'Look at me, love.'
My eyes move to Clay.
His eyes shine in the small lights in the trees around us.
He's kneeling next to the car as I'm sitting in the passenger seat.
His hair is done neatly, and he's wearing a nice dress shirt.

I let out a breath.
'You....'

Clay smiles as his eyes hold worry.
'You.'

I reach my hand to him,
Gently cupping his jaw.

He's here.

Im here.
Im okay.
Clays here.

'I- I'm sorry.'
I wipe my eyes and Clay moves to unbuckle my seatbelt.
'You.... You're really handsome.' I say as I watch him.

He's a little too worried to hear, but Nick hears.
'Well thank you, my work.' He says, trying to cheer us up.

Clay holds out his hand, and helps me to my feet.
When I'm on my feet I'm a little shaky, so he pulls me to him.

The smell of sandalwood and white musk surround me, my nose approving the smell.
I cling to him for dear life. I'll probably mess this up completely tomorrow.

'Im so sorry, Clay.' I whisper.
He shushes me and rubs my back

'You have nothing to be sorry for.'