Before you knew

138. Reason.

When we arrive home, the distance between us seems to grow.
Clay tries to talk, and get closer, but I already know what he's going to say.

'At least make an appointment and get an echo.'

With that he walks out.
I sigh, that's fair.

Going on internet and finding the place where I can go to, I call up and make an appointment.

The house seems cold and I feel cursed.
It feels wrong to take this from Clay if he wants it,
But why would he care.

He seems frustrated with me, and hurt by how far away I keep him from me.

Seeing the time I head up and get ready for bed, letting the cold water splash in my face, hoping to ease the burning thoughts. But alas, nothing could fix this.

I walk over to the bathroom door and lay my hand on the knob.
The realization hits.

I'll be alone with Clay.

I open the door and quietly head to the bedroom, hoping that somehow, he won't acknowledge me if he doesn't hear me come in. Yet the second I step over the threshold, the floorboard creaks under my weight.

The slightest shift in Clay's posture tells me he knows I'm there, though to my surprise he doesn't turn, and clicks away on his computer. Somehow it feels harsh, but it's what I asked for. 'I made an appointment, so I hope you're happy.' I say. He scoffs 'that's surprising.' I flinch at his reaction.

I leave it as it is and move the the duvet so I can lay down.
I turn the light off, getting the darkness to match my thoughts.

Painful and tragic.

I hear a sniffle, then silence.

When Clay slams his fits on the desk in frustration, I jump and look his way.

'Dammit.'

He holds the hand he hit with his other hand.
He's angry?

I get up and walk over quietly. I stand behind him as I reach over him to take his hands. 'Be careful.' I whisper. 'Why?' I place my other hand on his shoulder and let it slip down. despite his anger, his heart beats steadily under my palm. 'Because I don't like to see you like this.' My voice is a quiet whisper.

A teardrop falls onto the back of my hand.
'Clay....'

'I... I know this was an accident, And that we didn't ask for it. But it happened. The woman that I love is carrying my child, but you.... you despise it, want to wipe it out of existence.'

I breath out, moving away from him.
As much as I want to try to avoid this painful conflict, it's bound to happen.

I move back and turn the chair so I can look at him.
His nose and cheeks are dusted pink, and the glinstering trail on his cheeks say it all.
It's painful.

My heart clenches as broken eyes meet mine, and the slicht tremble of clays chin before he moves his head away is noticed.

I move, and as much as he wants me a distance away, I sit down on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. 'This is so hard and scary.' I mumble into his shoulder. 'It's unfair.' He says back.

'Why do you want this so much?'
The question finally leave my lips,
And a heavy silence falls.

Before.

'Because of you.'

I back away and look at his face, a new tear making it's way over his warm skin as he clenches his jaw. He's not looking at me.

'W-what?'

'I'm still scared that you'll slip away from me, that one day you'll change your mind and leave me, even though I really love you.'

I look at him in awe.

'That little kid in you, our kid, would make the difference. Yet you're scared out of your mind and you want it gone as soon as possible.'

Is that it?
'You want to have this child so I can't leave you?'
His green eyes meet mine.

'May... maybe.... either that, or, even if you'll leave I'll have a piece of us left.'

I sigh and look away.
'Clay this sounds ridiculous.'

He huffs and places his hands on my waist.
'Then tell me why you so badly don't want this.'