annoyed

eighteen

from: lucas
2:11 am

you are probably sleeping riggtj now but i dont fucking care nothing can stop me not even the fact that i canbt see anything and the tears in my eyes are making everything blury becussw of thinking about you and god ive never thought about someone so hard before how do u think about someone so hard only i know. you are the best person in this whole world and i did not fucking stutter when i say that you are so so so wonderful and youre sk fuck me and i want to kiss you all the time and pin u against the wall fuck but i want you to just lay on top of me fully clothed as i play with your hair that smells like fresh strawberries that you just picked out from the farm and its the best scent ever. i think about what i said to you the other day and that was so fucking shitty but i meant all of it but i can never truly say all of this to you and all the things i find the best in you in person because im the worst fucking prick ever and i hate myself so much for it but i hope this is enough for you and you understand how my balls are the size of a grain of salt. i love your soft hair and i love your small hand that can probably break a wall if you tried and i love your legs and how sometimes you trip on air and i love when you just talk to me i love when your around me i love how perfectly petite you are so I can roll you in a ball and keep you in my pocket (not that i will try) and your so cute and i want to travel the world with you and i know how you hate anything that's cliché but i don't fucking care alyssa colvin, because i want to travel around the world with you right by my side and we can collect bracelets that we get from each country and we can show them off and rub them in everyone's faces, about the fact that i got a privilege of being right beside you while we take on the world. i feel like everything that happened yesterday or hours ago was all my fault and im so sorry im so sorry for coming late i feel so shitty i shouldve just walked out of the stupid damn class bc i don't give a shit about what we were learning and i barely give a shit about anything but I give so many shit about you and they are the nicest shit ever like they are blue and purple and there's glitter in them too and you scared the shit out of me when you started breathing really hard and I thought you were going to die and i wanted to cry but the tears didn't come out until now i wanted to just rip my chest open and give you my lungs so you can breathe i was so scared alyssa. youre so great and lovely and caring and i hateyou so much that i love you so much i cant believe that a girl can manage to make me feel so many emotions and look what youve done to me i want to punch you with my lips. and alyssa, i just want to say you are the fucking love of my life

-

alyssa had tears forming in her eyes as she woke up to the text. it was 9:35 and she slept for 13 hours.

she went to the hospital after the nurse directly told her mom to just take her home and rest but her mom insisted she needed to hear an 'actual doctor' to tell her that alyssa's fine. the nurse was probably so insulted. god, she's such a bitch alyssa thought. and so they did, they waited for an hour and a half until they were called in and the doctors just told alyssa she had a panic attack, the same thing the nurse had told them.

this all wasn't a surprise for alyssa nor her mom, alyssa doesn't have anxiety or any disorders. she was slightly healthy. she would always have panic attacks back then and it had been such a long time since she'd had one. it started when she had seen her dad hit her mom, when she was 13, it all happened to quickly and she didn't know what to do.

things got better when her dad left for a while, 2 years to be exact. her parents didn't divorce because they said it's not a right thing to do, so her dad and mom just 'broke up' for 2 years when her dad finally came back just last year. they would argue here and there but now that alyssa is older, she knew how to handle herself.

there was a knock on her door and it opened, "hey, sweetie." her mom softly said walking over to her already.

"morning, mom."