It 12 am I'm with my ex fuck I still think of you all the time and bring you up all the time it's surely a problem but ion care enough to change it . My emotions upfront are apathy but in my back of my mind where all my true feelings reside I miss and love you like crazy but I'm coming to terms with our deal it only took a year or two. I still wonder what you are doing from time to time and if your heart is really mine.......... Fuck was it ever mine ? I hope so . I can't tell if my feeling are real anymore or if it's just something I decide to keep around because I'm so used to feeling this was for years I have altered the chemicals in my brain to make me think this is how it's supposed to be . I miss you like a bird misses spring I know it will be back but for the time being fuckkkkkkk I hate the cold . As much as I want to blame you for us not being together anymore it was 70% me but everything happens for a reason right ? I wasn't the girl I was supposed to be yet and honestly ion even know if I'm her yet but I am about 10 steps closer . Once again it almost feels like I'm keeping myself in this delusion that you are the one it's been so long since I have enjoyed your presence how can I be sure . Why doesn't it feel like when me and my ex break up Mabey cause I have hate to fuel me but this situation has left me ..............with a new set of emotions I prolly couldn't identify without a therapist but I would say the best ways to describe it is trust I've never felt it so strong it confused me but I believe word for word bar for bar and that you said to me wholeheartedly even if my brain is chemically imbalanced or I doubt every word that everyone says to me ........... you are different not only because I think this I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this you are the only human alive that is worth trusting like wholeheartedly eyes closed hands behind my back guide me thru whatever . It's hard to come back down to earth after I've have experienced all of that like wow such a man I didn't even know they existed fr till I met you I could talk about you for days hours and weeks and I would prolly talk in circles about how much you made me feel and all the good like you are the first person where the GOOD actually outweighs the bad plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz reunite with me eventually sooner than later like i said all my emotions are real but they might be holding me back
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Notes to self
Não FicçãoEssays of traumas which will either help me grow or continue to be my downfall guess I'll never know(I keep the typos in cause I'm not perfect and neither is my story) is Wrote the beginning chapters when I was 16 Mabey 17 I'm 18 now about to be 19
