What We Could Never Be (gxg)

Part 20- Present Day

I knew what I was doing was wrong. Pining over an engaged woman. I felt an immense amount of guilt in the moments where I was alone, knowing this truly wasn't who I was as a person. If it was anyone else in the world I wouldn't be the...other woman.
I was feeling consumed with guilt. I was having trouble concentrating, when I would be doing anything I would just get lost in thought.
But in the moments that I was getting together with Brianna, I got lost in her.
For the next few weeks after I went to her apartment we started sneaking around. Whether that was working out together after work in the gym and stealing sneaky kisses, to me going to her apartment when Sydney wasn't there and us just talking- and making out with such passion I felt like we we would rip each other's clothes off any second.
But we didn't. We hadn't slept together. We hadn't been gone past kissing. I think we were afraid. And knew that if that happened, it would truly cross a line that we weren't sure we were ready for yet.
Questions of it possibly just being lust crept into my head, but I knew it wasn't. It wasn't all about the passion and when would we fuck. Being with Brianna felt like coming back home. She was always my safe haven. The person I felt the most comfortable with in the entire world.
We had unblocked each other's numbers. The few and far between times we texted, I got butterflies. I didn't even have her number saved, but knowing Brianna was in my messages again gave me a sense of comfort I hadn't had in a while.
The last Friday of September I felt my phone vibrate when I was at lunch with Casey. I looked down as I took a bite of my salad.
Brianna. It read, "I know this may seem crazy. But do you want to stay at a hotel tonight? I figured some alone time would be nice. Sydney is staying at her parents until Sunday."
A hotel? I felt my face get hot.
"Whoa." Casey laughed, "Your eyes just got so wide at whatever text you got."
"It was Savannah." I lied, "She texted me a crazy sex story."
Casey laughed even more, "I've got some of those too if you ever want to hear them."
"Why don't you tell me one now." I chuckled, "Make lunch more entertaining."
As Casey told me a story about a crazy night she had with her fiancé, I sneakily texted Brianna, "I'm in."
I told Savannah I was staying over Casey's. I hadn't told her about Brianna yet. I just wasn't ready to. I think because of how ashamed I was with myself.
Brianna sent me the address of the hotel. It was a nice one with suites about 20 minutes away. She said she was already at the room, and she told the front desk attendants I would be arriving later.
I was shaking on my drive there with anxiety. I couldn't quite believe this was happening. But I knew one thing. And I had to make it clear.
"I'm not sleeping with you tonight." I said to Brianna after she opened the door to the hotel suite. It was really nice actually. Had a king size bed, kitchen, and sleeping area.
"I mean, that's fine. The couch doesn't look the most comfortable." Brianna said, letting me in, chuckling.
"Stop, you know what I mean." I put my overnight bag on the bed.
"Okay. That's not why I asked you to come here, Blake." Brianna said, walking up to me. She put her hands on my waist.
"Okay...why then?" I was melting under her touch.
"I don't really know, okay? I just wanted some time with you. Alone. Without feeling-"
"As dirty?" I said her, "I always feel so dirty when I leave your place. And guilty."
Brianna's eyes flickered with sadness, "I-I don't want you feel that way. I know what we are doing is...not right. But fuck, it feels like it is." She was looking at my lips.
I made the move and kissed her. And it felt right. As terribly wrong as I knew it was.
She kissed me back, we made our way to the bed. Once again I was on her lap, straddling her, kissing her.
But we didn't sleep together. I kept my word on that. But we made out hungrily, like there was no fucking tomorrow.
After a while we laid down on the bed, over the covers.
Brianna turned to me, "Does Savannah know about...what's going on?"
"No. She doesn't. I think she would murder us. I'm not sure who would be her first target."
Brianna chuckled, "That sounds like Savannah. I know who you would've told in a second though."
I got quiet for second. I could feel a lump starting to form in my throat, anytime anyone ever references him. "Oliver would've been the only one to know" I said, my voice slightly wavering.
Brianna caught onto it. She rolled over to her side and looked at me, and I did the same, looking at her. She stroked a lock of her behind my ear. "I'm sorry I mentioned him. I'm not sure if you like to talk about him or not."
"It's like...I do. But it's so hard to. So I guess I don't ever mention him much. Because then this happens." I pointed to my eyes, which I could feel welling up.
"Hey, it's okay." Brianna wipes a tear away gently with her thumb as it rolled down my cheek, "I'm so sorry, I wasn't trying to get you upset."
"It's okay." I said, more tears rolling down my cheeks. I was having a hard time stopping them. The loss of my best friend still left a massive hole in my heart. Pit in my stomach.
Brianna hugged me, stroking the top of my hair. "I'm so sorry, Blake."
I pulled away, sniffling. "It's okay. I promise. It's almost like I don't really let myself think about him anymore."
Brianna looked at me, "There's no one you can talk to about it? Or want to?"
"No, honestly. Except you."
Brianna looked directly into my eyes, "I feel like I'm at home with you, Blake. And I wish things weren't like this."
I nodded, "I know exactly what you mean. You know, I tried to search for what I had with you in other people after we broke up. But I was never able to find it, ever. And I know I won't."
Brianna nodded, "I thought I found something that made me happy. But now that I am laying here with you, I know this is what happiness is to me."
I was slightly taken aback by her words. It seemed like she was fighting how she felt for me. But now it was out in the open.
I was afraid for the answer to my next question. "Are you going to do anything about it?"
I saw a flash of fear flicker into Brianna's eyes. "I know I'm going to have to." She said, "I just want this. I want you, Blake."
I kissed her in response. She was all I wanted.