A slim chance

Just Dan - Final Chapter

Im crying i dont want it to be donee

Enjoy :(

Dear Phil,

I don't even know if they'll let me send you this letter but it's worth a shot, I just really need to tell you how I feel, seeing as though you didnt give me chance when I was taken away.

I love you Philip Lester. It's a strange kind of love, like bortherly love but with romance. So kind of incest but we're not really related. I dont know how to explain it.

That first day when you came to the hospital and I made you cry, I felt evil. You looked so hurt and it killed me, all I wanted to do was envelope you in the biggest hug, but you know, I couldn't. Then I found out that it was you, The Philip Lester from when I was 14 and I was scared Phil, so fucking scared. I didn't want lose you, I couldn't You were the only reason I woke up in the morning and ate, the only reason I carried on living and I guess I owe you some thanks for that. But I have lost you now, forever this time. I'm not a messed up 14 year old anymore, im a big boy and I'm ready to face up to what I did.

To answer your question, yes I do remember the day we made a duvet tent and watched titanic (You cried like a girl) and I remember the promise I made but you're wrong Phil, I didn't break it. I'm still holding onto our love, and i wont ever let go.

What I did was monsterous, evil, gross, despicable but most of all it was unforgivable. I hurt you after I got you to trust me again and I wont ever forgive myself, so I dont expect you to at all. I could say sorry but i'm not going to. 5 letters dont express how truly guilty I am, how much I want to go back and change what happened.

I wont forget you though, Phil. I wont forget the way your eyes sparkle when your excited or the way your hair goes wavy in the rain. I most certainly wont forget the way you look in glasses. I think i'm going to have to telepathically hide your contacts, just to give other people the pleasure of seeing you in your specs.

I hope you can move on from me Phil and find somebody who will give you even more amazing memories, better than any ive ever made for you.  That day, crying on the bathroom floor fixed me and broke me in so many ways, but all of them im grateful for.

I'm grateful for you, Phil. So much so.

Everything is dark without you and I'll miss your arms cuddling me when i'm cold, kissing my lips to warm them up. I have to admit, I did pretend to be cold a few times, just so you'd cuddle me. It was nice.

I suppose this is goodbye. No wait, it's just a see you later, remember? I need you to remember that okay.

Will I ever see you again? Its a slim chance.

Keep shining Phil, you're a comet in a sea of stars and I never want to see your light fade away. Even if I no longer gave your heart, you will forever have mine.

See You Later Phil.

- Dan x