A slim chance

Dan - part 5

Hey there friend

I hope you're not angry with me for hugging him

He just needed a hug. I still like you best.

I hope you'll still listen to me

In don't know what I'd do without you

Die?

Yeah die.

I lay in the dark with my eyes closed, trying to keep my breathing steady. The sound of pen to paper is strangely soothing and I know it's him. He keeps a diary too. A bit like you but a navy blue with a sky blue border and a small white pen holder. Pretty.

I hope he thinks I'm asleep because I don't want to talk anymore. I feel horrible for hugging him, I can't let myself get attached because he'll leave soon, when he realizes how thin and beautiful he is and then i'll be all alone again.

The scratching finally stops and I assume Phil is sleeping, so i turn onto my side and block out the voices in the night.

The morning is bright and a man in a white coat, one I've never seen before, walks in and places a large tray on the bedside table.

It holds two large plates of eggs on toast, slathered in butter and calories.

The man leaves and I look at Phil who's hand is hovering over the plate.

'Take one' I say and laugh inwardly as he jumps about 2 ft in the air.

'I..I don't..I'm not hungry' he replies simply and I laugh for no reason.

'But you are. So am I. Just eat Phil, you don't need to starve yourself, you have an amazing body, one I've been trying to achieve for years'

I'm quite shocked at my words and judging by his face, Phil is too.

He's about to speak again but I cut him off

'I wish you could see it Phil, I really do'

Phil smiles sadly and looks up at me through his raven black fringe

'Me too'

Without another word, I slowly lift a plate of eggs and take it to Phil's bed, placing myself beside him. He shuffles closer to me and takes a plate for himself.

'We'll do it together' he says quietly and for some reason, I get the sudden urge to join our hands. But I don't, I don't like him. I can't the voices say so.

I push away these thoughts and take two forks, one for me and one for the boy beside me. Slowly, I scoop up a small portion of egg and shove it in my mouth, cringing at the sloppy texture.

Scoop, chew, swallow. It was all so forced.

I managed about a third of the meal before my stomach was screaming to be emptied.

I couldn't though, I have to keep this food, for phil.

Phil, I look over at him and a grin spreads over my face is I see he's managed half of the meal.

His eyes meet mine and linger for a second. That second felt like an hour, his eyes sparkled and shone, unlike last night when they were gre6y and cloudy.

Phil giggled lightly and held out his skinny arms, inviting me for a hug.

I began to lean forward but stopped myself. I knew you wouldn't like it friend, I did it for you.

'I'm not allowed to like you' I whispered, no emotion in my words.

I didn't even stay to see him retract his arms because my legs were carrying me to the bathroom.

Open, close, lock.

Toilet, vomit, tears.

That's how it usually goes but now there's a hand knocking at the door. A foot kicking it open, a hand on my shoulder. It's too late though because I'd already shoved three fingers down my throat and the acidic liquid ran from my stomach in into the toilet bowl, along with a cocktail of tears and sweat.

Now I'm empty but I'm still fat.

'Help me' I say quietly but Phil just rubs my back.

'HELP ME' I say again but now I'm screaming, tiny knives of anger clawing at my throat.

Phil tries too shush my but yet again, he's too late.

More hands knock at the door and with a guilty expression, the blue eyed boy opens it and allows to white coats into the room.

One is armed with a needle that is pressed straight into my arm

And then a familiar colour of nothingness floods my vision.

I don't even know where Phil is.

He's probably in the bathroom. I should help him but Im not allowed

I know you wouldn't like it. You want me to let him die don't you

He probably will. He's so thin.

I'll win one day friend.

One day i'll wear the crown

-just Dan x