A slim chance

Phillipa - Part 8

Yoyoyo
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Hey there diary

I'm so happy but I'm not sure why.

I've started to eat again and keep it down. Only a bit at a time but I know how sad it makes Dan when I starve myself so i'll do it for him. I know I should be doing this whole thing for me but...

I'm still so worried about Dan. He thinks I don't hear him at night, whispering. There's a lot he doesn't know about me though, so I guess i'll just tell you about today.

Dan was awake when I arose, turned on his side and staring straight at the wall

'Dan?' I said quietly, shaking his bony shoulder

He turned over and smiled before getting up and turning around. Presumably to go to the bathroom.

However instead of walking straight there, he froze in his path and looked back at me.

'Hey Phil, do you think I could um.. Talk to you about something when I've got myself cleaned up?'

I nodded and smiled

'Sure, but only if you promise to eat breakfast with me'

Dan gave me a thumbs up and padded into the bathroom, locking the door, as always.

I was about to get up and sort out the bed covers when I noticed my shirt had ridden up slightly, revealing something I never wanted to look at again.

I pulled my shirt right up and stared down at the jagged scar that ran from my bladder to my belly button. Thoughts came flooding back.

'Oi fag! Where do you think you're going? We haven't had any fun yet'

Shudders ran through me and I pushed the fabric back down, covering the scar and blocking out the memories.

I was only 14, I didn't deserve it. Back when I was a boy, young and innocent, there was this other boy. I'm not sure why he hated me so much, maybe it was just me. He beat me black and blue every day but still got away with it. When I left school we never spoke again. I was glad.

I heard the toilet flush and quickly sorted myself out, wiping a few start tears from my pale cheeks.

Dan strolled out just as a lady in a blue dress as I knew as Nurse Garter came in through the double doors. She was pushing a trolly with many plates filled with beans and toast.

'Here you go boys, eat up!' I gave her a warm smile but quickly frowned as she turned away
Very funny I thought but quickly reformed my smile as she handed dan a plate. The boy laughed at my expression as the nurse walked out of the room.

We ate in silence. Dan was frowning and I guessed he was thinking about what he might say. I honestly had no idea but I hoped it was nothing too bad, we'd both being doing so well lately.

I managed about three quarters of my meal which I was pleased with whereas my brown haired friend only ate about a third

'Please eat Dan, you deserve food' Sadness crept over his face but he shook his head

'Sorry' he whispered, barely audible.

I shook my head and pulled him into a tight hug from which I found myself reluctant to let go.

We placed our plates on the bedside table and I utched up towards dan taking one of his hands in mine.

He looked at it for a second before mumbling a hoarse 'Shutup' and looking up to me.

I decided not to question it.

'So you wanted to talk?' I asked solemnly

'Yes, please. Do you mind if I just talk and you listen? I'll answer whatever you like at the end'

'Of course'

'Well um..' He began, looking very nervous. I gave the boys hand a tiny squeeze and he twitched his lips in appreciation

'It all started when I was 12. My mum and Dad were arguing every night and I felt so alone. That's when the voices started. They were my best friends, they were so kind at first. Whispering kind things to me while my mum and dad argued, helping me at school when I felt like shit. But then they got more demanding. They started telling me to stay away from other people, that they were the only ones I could trust. I was scared Phil, so scared, so I did what I was told. Then one day I got home and it was just my mum. She was sat in the kitchen crying her eyes out and I really wanted to hug her and tell her it was okay. They wouldn't let me though, they said that all this was her fault and that I should leave her. So I did'

Dan was crying now so I rubbed his back softly and allowed him to hiccup a few times before continuing

'After a while it all got too much, I needed a release. So they told me I should find a victim, one to let out all my anger on. I told them it was a horrible idea but they didn't listen. The made me. It was a boy, with blondey ginger hair and a crooked nose. He smiled alot. He had a lovely smile'

Dan's eyes crinkled at the corners and his lips lifted fondly

'That was until I got him. We got him. I was walking home from my after school drama club when I saw him. He dropped his books all over the floor and I was about to help him but the voices told me different. They told me to push him. So I did. I didn't want to, I really liked him, the boy. He was a good looker and ever so kind.'

A strange sense of de ja vu was bubbling in my stomach and it was something I couldn't shake off. I'd been pushed over on the way back from school. Then again, a lot of people had.

'It got worse from there. It became a regular thing, punches and kicks and everything beyond. He was in the year above me, 14 at the time, so I can't imagine how pathetic he must have felt. But he wasn't, I was the pathetic one. I try to blame them, but all along it was me Phil. He left school before me so I never got a chance to say sorry. You do still like me don't you Phil? I didn't want to do any of that stuff, I swear'

Dan was sobbing now, his eyes filled with pain. I didn't reach to comfort him though. I felt sick

'What was his name' I asked, not daring to look at the boy beside me.

'Phil. His name was Phil'

That's when my stoamch couldn't rake any more and I ran to the bathroom, violently throwing up my beans on toast.

I have nothing to say I hope you don't hurt me I'm sorry