"It was absolutely nothing. I had no ties. No bittersweet memories. I was leaving nothing behind. Never experienced companionship, never been in love. And in that moment, all I felt was loneliness and regret."
But there's always a first time..
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I heard the door open and smiled when I saw Egssy "Hi!" I said and stood up, he looked serious and annoyed by something "Hi, my angel." He hugged me and then we sat on the couch, we were silent for a few minutes until I asked what was going on, Egssy told me all about the contract, I was quite confused but I had received enough training to shut down my feelings. I was really starting to develop strong and physical feelings for him, but I knew that I didn't know him deeply to give all that confidence to the company, and I also understand his side of not wanting to throw away security for something that he might never had experienced it before or a long time ago.
''Aren't you angry or sad?'' Egssy asked, pushing me away from my thoughts ''Really? No ...'' I smiled ''Who said I wasn't taking advantage of him?'' I lied, Egssy kept his attention on me squeezing his lips ''I didn't love him, even now I don't really love him, but I fell in love, a mistake. Our life has no room for these kinds of pleasures.'' I looked at my hands, that thought still haunted me a little ''I disagree!'' Eggsy spoke a little mad, he was too sentimental and intelligent enough to not give up on good things in normal life, even if it cost you something ''Let's see if Harry is really sure of that choice.'' I smirked, joking ''Would you sign the contract?'' Egssy asked, bringing me the reality of what it was all about. I took a deep breath and raised my eyebrows wondering if I would really take a step like that or do the same thing that Harry did ''Egssy .. I think Harry is right not to sign anything, I mean, it's too early and we're not sure of anything.'' I went on ''We kissed, enjoyed a good feeling and maybe it will be enough.'' It wasn't, I knew that even saying that, when I thought about Harry's face, I totally lost my reasoning about right or wrong, but I will not let it break me.
''You are the most admirable woman I have ever met, I want that to be clear.'' Egssy said holding my hand ''Thank you.'' I smiled and shook his hand, his expression had become more calm and relaxed, as if a weight had fallen from his shoulders, I admired his honesty and it showed.
The next five months were very exhausting, a lot of work and dedication, Harry hadn't touched on the subject of "we", and I acted like nothing happened and I didn't know anything, the moment I felt his departure, I I did the same, we talked a little and when I went out or had a meeting at home, it was just Egssy. Even so, my feelings had not changed for Harry, seeing him in the store, sitting and drinking whiskey, or even when I saw him on the balcony at his house, I couldn't help admiring the beauty that man carried, I would give everything to have him completely for me, there came a time when even his hands were something that made me shiver. For a moment, it was no longer despair to have someone, the fear of being alone, it was really admiration, I wanted him back in our circle of friends, I wanted that funny and friendly Harry back, I confess that I was getting away as far as possible to understand that it could all be a fantasy, but time passed and I understood less and less what had happened.
It was Saturday, Egssy's birthday, I helped him decorate the whole apartment so that it was cozy enough, we invited Merlin and some of his colleagues from another department, we were around 7 people. Someone knocked on the door as soon as I finished pouring myself a beer, when I opened it I saw Harry, in perfect posture and with his hands in his pocket, it was the first time he had attended our meetings after so long. His gaze penetrated me deeply, his mouth was in a straight line and the corners of his mouth were slightly raised in a half smile, he knew that look would break me, so I smiled with as much grace as I could, making him smile too, I giggled knowing it had been a silly scene to look at from the outside, but I didn't want to stop looking at him.
