Is he worth it?

Chapter 32 He's gone.

PJs POV

You know when I was 7 my grandmother passed away. Doctors say it was of natural causes and she passed in her sleep. I kind of knew her, but she lived in Georgia, so we only saw her on holidays.

She was the only  family beside my mom that I knew we had. My mom was her only child. Her husband passed away before I was born, or I guess I should say my grandfather, but I didn't even know the guy.

When my mom got the news, she was devastated. I could understand. We were her only family and then suddenly it was just us. We only had each other.

I thought it was only going to be us at her funeral, but it just so happened she had a few church friends who came to pay their respects. When my mom was seeing them out of the funeral home and thanking them for coming, I walked up to see my grandmother in her casket. It was my first time around a real actual dead body, so I wasn't sure how I was supposed to react.

I was wondering if she still felt the same even though she wasn't alive anymore. So, yes, I did touch her. Just on her hand. She was soft, but she wasn't as warm as I remembered her being. She still smelled like her old grandma perfume that had been sprayed on her. Even though the funeral home smelled like dust and old flowers.

I knew my mom was trying to be strong for me. Truth is my grandmother dying didn't even affect me. I didn't even cry. I wish I would have told her that back then. I could hear my mom late at night crying her eyes out. At the time I couldn't understand why she was crying so much. We barely saw my grandma and I know my mom rarely talked to her. I don't know maybe she felt guilty for that.

Truth is, I really had no idea what she was feeling during that time of losing her mother the one other family member she had besides me. All I could recognize was that it hurt her deeply and I didn't understand back then, but right now in this moment, I think I now know what she was feeling.

Pain.

Slow agonizing pain. The feeling that you can't breathe. You are trying so hard to catch your breath and make everything make sense in your head, but your brain just can't seem to comprehend. Your brain can't seem to grasp the fact that someone that you loved with your whole heart is gone and they are never coming back.

And the only thing that can seem to run through your mind is the memories of them. The memories that you made with that person, so you could relive the good moments in time where you guys were happy, and nothing was wrong in the world at that moment, but then it makes you lose your breath more and cry harder because you know that you'll never get to make any more memories with that person again.

Still consumed by all my thoughts, I started to hear a faint screaming. I was trying to wrap my brain around the noise as it kept growing louder, but then I realized it was me screaming and I was brought back to the moment of me on the hospital floor in the embrace of Tony after just receiving the worst news of my life.

"It's okay P. We are gonna get through this. I'm here okay. Shh." Tony cooed while I was still crying the hardest, I have every cried.

"I can't do this by myself." I said in between my sobs.

"Yes, you can. Don't worry. You are a strong Mother. I wish I could say it gets easy from here, but it probably won't, but I know Noah and I know he has a plan just in case this sort of thing happened." Tony comforted.

"Look at me P." Tony grabbed my cheeks with his hands. My eyes met his wet eyes.

"I know this fucking sucks, but it's going to be okay, and you'll always have a part of Noah with you because you have Ziva okay." He pulled me back into a hug and we cried together.