Is he worth it?

Chapter 35 Mentally checked out.

PJs POV

There was a knock at the hospital door as Dr.Wess walked in.

I just stared at him with an empty feeling. Like nothing mattered anymore. Living just didn't feel so great in that moment.

"How is she doing?" Dr.Wess asked Noah while walking over to look at my leg.

"She still hasn't spoken a word. I don't know what to do anymore." Noah looked sad and bewildered. As though he has been trying to figure me out and can't find the right solution. I can't even figure myself out right now, so I don't know how he's going to do it.

"She is probably just still in shock. Going through big life changes like having a baby, having to move and change her whole life around, and you dying. Her hormones were probably all over the place already and killing her father probably didn't help. I wish I could tell you when she will come out of this state, but unfortunately, I just don't know. It's a waiting game at this point."

They are absolutely right. It has been 2 weeks since I killed my father. I passed out right after because I had lost so much blood from the gash on my leg. I was only out for a couple of hours, and they had already stitched me up, and we were "home."

The first couple of days I couldn't stop crying and throwing up. Looking in the mirror became hard. I just couldn't stand the feeling of taking someone else's life. I did that. Me. I don't know who I am anymore. One moment I'm in a women's soccer club and the next I'm shooting my father in the head.

I barely got out of bed and because I didn't take care of myself my stitches got infected. Noah had to step up and take care of Ziva because I just couldn't. I feel like a terrible mother, but I just don't have the energy to even hold her and that alone makes me cry because I love her so much, but I can't even look at her because her mom did such a terrible thing. How can I pretend everything is okay when I'm with her when it's not?

Poor Noah has also been taking care of me. Feeding me and bathing me. I just don't have any will to take care of myself anymore. I feel like I want to die too. Noah is already doing such a great job with Ziva if he didn't have to take care of me then it would make his life easier right?

Noah makes me go to the on-site therapist here at the woods wing, but I don't speak. He's even tried to get Kristina to come and talk to me, but I just stare off into space.

Truthfully, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to form the appropriate words. What could I say at this point?

I've lost all hope. I'm so lost and I don't think I'll ever find my way back.

Noah's POV

I walked over to where Tony was sitting in the grass. Today is a really beautiful day out. It's not too hot or cool. The sun is peeking through the trees. It's become my favorite spot to come and get a breath of fresh air. After everything these past weeks, I need it. I need to just take a moment and breathe.

I set Ziva down on the blanket Tony laid out.

"How is my favorite niece!" Tony cooed earning a smile from Ziva.

"Do you think she is going to talk today?" Tony asked Noah.

"No. Nothing hasn't changed. I'm exhausted Tony. I don't know what else to do. She won't hold Ziva. Hell, she won't even look at her! I swear I've tried everything I could, but nothing is working. I just wish I knew how to help her. It's like she's not even there anymore and man I'm kind of pissed at her for shooting her dad. I just wished she would have listened."

"Yeah. Honestly, I for sure thought Kristina was gonna do the trick. You know girls just know how to do all that stuff, but Kris said she would barely look at her."