Mirror of Perfection (hisollumi story)

Chapter 5 - Uncontrolled

Illumi's Pov:

I'm laying in bed, with new blankets. Gon must've brought them. He cleaned my room, that was nice. I can tell him and Kil are asleep now. But I can't sleep. My lights are off but I'm just laying here. My whole body is shaking uncontrollably, my wrist is throbbing, and my stomach is so empty my body is weak. It's 1 am now. Its been 3 hours since everything happened. Killua's words are echoing in my head. 

"Why Illumi? Why would you do this to yourself?" This isn't the first time he's had to bandage my wrists, but last time it happened was a year ago, when I only had about 10 scars. Every time he would bandage them for me, but it had never been this deep. And I've never overdosed to the point like that. I have attempted suicide multiple times before, but he's never saved my life because he never knew. All the times those attempts failed, it felt like I was holding back. But this time I really didn't care. I took about 30 pills, then cut my wrist bad. If Killua hadn't managed to get it, I would be dead right now and Killua would be crying over my limp dead body.

I curl up into a little ball, and my eyes start to water. How could I just try to leave Killua like that? And put him in that position where he had to save my life? I had acted so selfishly. I didn't think how it would affect anyone else. I put him in such a terrible position. He would've blamed himself if I died. 

I hear my doorknob turn and my door opens slowly, I wipe the tears out of my eyes and flip over to see who it is. Killua peeks his head in, I can tell hes been crying still. "Can I sleep with you tonight?" His voice is quiet, broken and shaky. I move over to make room for him, showing that he can. He gently closes my door, and climbs into my bed. He's still crying lightly, so I rub his head. He sniffles, and closes his eyes. 

Killua's Pov:

I climb into Illumi's bed. I'm still crying a little and it hurts to breathe. He rubs my head. I hate that he knows my weakness. But it does make me feel better. I hug him, tight. And he hugs back, one arm tighter then the other. His cut arm must be killing him. He's wearing a short sleeve shirt. I can't see his arms so I take my hand, and very gently feel up his arms. All the way up both arms are new cuts, and old scars. He winces as I feel his arms. This causes me to start crying. 

"Its ok, I'm ok" He whispers. He must know that I came in here, not because of a bad dream or because I just wanted to be in here, but because I didn't want him to hurt himself anymore. I start crying even harder, he's not ok. He would be dead if it wasn't for Gon. I couldn't open his door. If I would've gotten in a second too late he'd be gone right now. I hug him and cry into his shirt. He wraps his arms around me, and says "shhh, go to sleep, its ok." 

But it's not ok "Y-you would- would've died. I couldn't o-open y-your door. G- gon did. If he wa-wasn't here then..." I trail off, my sentence ending in tears. He pulls me closer and whispers "Don't cry please. I'm ok." He rubs my head some more, and I can't choke out anymore words because I'm crying too much. I bury my head into his chest as he rubs my head, and I fall asleep.