Mirror of Perfection (hisollumi story)

Chapter 47 - The Mirror Lies

Illumi's Pov:

I wake up, on the cold hard floor of my old home. I sit up. Its bright outside, I have 12 missed calls. 3 from Hisoka, 3 from Killua, and 6 from Gon. I look at my texts. A lot, many saying "Illumi come home please" asking where I am, and if I'm ok. No I'm not. I don't want to live anymore. It hurts too much. I'm a burden to everyone, I want Killua to be happy, and he will be when I'm gone. I'll call them, I'll say goodbye, I'll say I love you, I want them to know I do.

Ring once, ring twice, answered.

Killua: "Illumi! Where are you? Come back please" I can hear him crying

Me: "I'm sorry Kil, I won't be coming home

Killua: "What, why Illumi...please"

Me: "I'm sorry, I have to say goodbye"

Hisoka: "Babs, please its time to come home"

Illumi: "Haha, that's the funny thing! ...I can't!"

Gon: "Illumi!"

Hisoka: "Lulu!"

Killua: "ILLUMI!"

Me: "I'll be gone soon, I love you guys more than anything, I promise you"

I hang up. They try to call back, but I don't answer. I throw my phone on the floor, and smash it. I look at my nails that Gon painted for me. I take in the scent of Hisoka, from the hoodie he gave me. I touch my hair that Killua told me to grow out. Such amazing people deserve better. 

I go the my bedroom. The nursery I lived in. Baby blue walls, soft carpet. I light that was so dim but lit my childhood. I go to my parents room. When they loved me, we lived here. When things were simple, when things were easy. Before they hated me. Before they wanted me dead. Before they wanted to forget about me. I go to their bathroom. The mirror was always so clean and pretty. My mother loved it. She always showed me the mirror. She would always say 

"You see this mirror? Look how clean and pretty. You look in it, and you see all your perfections. Not your insecurities, not what you want to change, but all your beauty."

And thats what I see in this moment. My perfection. My beauty. My amazing long hair that Killua loves. My dark shining eyes that mesmerized Hisoka. What Gon called my perfect hands and cute painted nails. My scars look good in this mirror. It makes everything look so pretty. But thats the thing. Because no matter how pretty you look in this mirror. It can't change your insides.

It can't change what you hate even if it looks good here. It doesn't show your personality. It doesn't show your self hatred, or your ugliness. Thats the thing about this mirror, it shows you what you want to see, not what you are. Its fake. It lies to you. It tells you that your beautiful. It tells you your perfection. It tells you that you are enough. When your not. I smash it.

I turn on the bath and watch it fill, holding a piece of the broken mirror in my hand. I squeeze it so it digs into my hand. It almost hurts, but it doesn't. Its finally time for me to leave my pain. I'm sorry Killua, you are perfection, and you deserve more. I hate myself for this but it has to be done. I want to be gone. It fills, and I get into the bath still with all my clothes on. I dunk my head under the water. I take the piece of glass, putting the sharp piece to my wrist, and push it. I wince, but shakily pull it out and drop it onto the floor. It shatters to the floor and i slowly lower myself into the water. I scream underwater. The scream is muffled so I don't bother anyone. 

My body goes limp, I close my eyes, and let myself fade into a world of darkness.