Mentally Broken

10

Chapter song: Save Me by Nicki Minaj
(Mia's pov)
I'm going to go crazy if I haven't already. Justin's now standing in front of the same wall as his bed. He mumbles inaudible words and leans against the wall every once in a while. I'm pretty sure he's not fully aware of what he's doing.
I blankly stare at the ceiling, my mind sprinting with thoughts that could get me thrown in hell. For example, the thought of killing my mom and sister. It's terrible, especially about my mom. I might be upset with her, but I still love her. She just wasn't using her brain when she sent me here. She doesn't understand. And I can't completely blame her.
I want to die so badly. The suicidal thoughts are so extreme that anyone who hears them will definitely not be able to sleep for the rest of their miserable lives. Hell, they'd probably commit suicide themselves by just hearing the worst of my mind.
"Breakfast!" someone shouts, making me sit up. Literally dragging my feet, I follow Justin across the hall, down the elevator, and into the cafeteria. I grab an apple, avoiding all nurses. Justin and I sit at the same table again, but this time he sits beside me. For the first time this morning, he smiles warmly at me, and I return it with the same warmth.
"Feel better?" he murmurs with a mix of concern and flatness.
"Not much," I speak honestly. There's no need to lie. It's not like people will care in here anyway.
"...People can be stupid," Justin takes a bite of his cereal.
"Tell me about it." I speak sarcastically, agreeing with Justin.
"So...what today?" he finishes his cereal without looking at me. In a way, he seems partially cooperative in the conversation, but the other half of him is somewhere else.
"I guess we can do arts and crafts. What can we do for that?" I stare at my barely eaten apple. Justin shrugs silently, then takes my apple.
"I guess we'll have to check it out," I'm still staring at the apple as Justin eats it. There's a nurse coming our way, so Justin sets the half-eaten apple in front of me.
"Good morning," the nurse sets our pills in front of us, and we obediently take them. She glances at the apple in front of me, then gives me an acceptable nod and continues walking.
"Thanks," I look gratefully at Justin.
"Most I can do." he gets up and throws his trash away. I toss my apple in the trash and follow him out the door.

We sit in the same, cheap plastic chairs and wait for the boring lecture to begin. It's sharing time today, and neither me nor Justin volunteer. Why would I want to share my story to a bunch of strangers? Some of them aren't even paying attention, as usual. A few people share their stories. One guy talks about cutting himself and having depression. Another girl speaks about how she has a serious drug addiction and can't think properly anymore. Finally, another boy explains what it's like to have anxiety.
The speaker then continues onto talking about expressing our feelings and emotions in a healthy way. I wish I could express my feelings and emotions in any way. The only problem is that I can't, or I'll be sent to the lame-ass quiet room. I'd give anything to feel that numb feeling only the razor can bring. Or the empty feeling in my stomach only starvation can give. Or the sense of control only my suicidal plans can deliver.

After the lecture is over, and we're allowed to have free time, Justin and I check out the arts and crafts section. There's simple stuff like frame-making, pastels, water colors, and bracelet-making. It's all easy stuff, I'm guessing, because we're not trusted to do more complicated stuff, like sewing or building bird houses. The materials are too dangerous. But I'd like it. I'd swipe a needle or nail against my skin at any moment.
"Can we make bracelets, or is that too girly?" I amusingly look at Justin for an answer.
"That's cool," he nods blankly. I don't think he's the kind to kid around much. We start gathering the things we need, like string and beads. After gathering materials, we sit at an empty table and spread the strings and beads out.
"Give me your hand," I take some purple string. Justin holds his hand out for me, and I kindly roll his sleeves a bit to measure his wrist. There's something about this that gives me a new feeling, a sense of trust and loyalty. I feel like I've known Justin forever. It's like we understand each other. Maybe I'm over exaggerating all this, because I've never had a friend like Justin. Nobody's ever gave a crap about me, and it now that I know what it feels like, it feels weird.

"Do you need mine?" I ask a bit uneasy. I'm not too comfortable with anyone touching or seeing my wrists.
"Yeah," he answers numbly; then I roll up my sleeve halfway up my arm, and let him measure mine. His eyes narrow at my cuts, so I shamefully pull my hand away once he gets the measurement. It's embarrassing to me. Having cuts makes me look like I'm weak. And I'm scared of what people think.

We have to ask the nurses to cut the string for us, so we can't try anything "bad."
"I hope you like purple," I collect a set of lavender beads and white lettered beads.
"Don't mind," Justin's using black beads on mine. I smile to myself as I put together a bracelet with lavender beads and "Justin" spelled out with the lettered beads. Justin's bracelet is like mine, but he has "Mia" spelled out, and the beads are black.
"Ok, here you go," I show him the lavender-purple bracelet. He smiles jaggedly, then shows me his bracelet.
"It doesn't look girly on you," I grin and button it around his wrist. It fits perfectly.
"Thanks," he smiles warmly and buttons his bracelet around my wrist as well. I want to hug him out of friendliness, but I can't. I'm not allowed to, and I don't think he'd appreciate it. By now, it's lunchtime, and we get our usual meals. Justin eats my apple for me, and I sit here with my new thoughts and feelings.
"You know, you're the first real friend I've ever had," I smile at Justin, hoping he hears me.
"You deserve it," he returns the smile with his smile already starting to fade.
"You're the only reason I would stay in this hell-hole," I grin thankfully at him, using my hands as a headrest against the table.
"Thanks, Mia," Justin nudges me, cautious of nurses. He seems to have lightened up on his no-touching rule.
"Sorry if I overreacted a few times...It just hurts so much to feel worthless every day," I stare at the blank table as I apologize and confess.
"....You weren't...overreacting, Mia. You're just hurt...That's ok," Justin gives me a look that shows how he cares for me, yet there's a hint of disturbance on his face. Nobody has ever looked at me like that in a long time.
"Justin?" I realize we're a bit too close, so I make sure no one's looking, rather than completely breaking away.
"Hm?" Justin's eyes swallow me whole. The nurses mark the end of lunch, so we better get going.
"Uhm, what was your life like before all this?" I ask as we're led back into the meeting room.
"...Homeless." We sit down on the patterned carpet, just inches away.
"Why?" I look at him in interest.
"No parents..." he mutters without emotion. I don't dare ask why.
"...Dad died in car crash. Mom killed herself." His voice is flat. His mom killed herself? Oh that's terrible. He must feel so bad. But I feel even worse right now. I hate to admit this, but I wish I was his mom. Dammit, I hate these unwanted thoughts. Why can't I just not be so cold? His mom died, and I'm over here wishing I was her. What the hell.
"Why?" Ugh, I'm so nosy.
"Don't...know," he shrugs gloomily, and I don't ask any further questions.
"I'm so sorry," I know it must've been hard for him. If losing one parent is too much, imagine losing both. Damn.
"Don't worry," he mumbles, but I know deep inside that I have to worry about it.
"So you had no one?" I ask shyly yet interestedly.
"...Best friends and a girlfriend," he replies as if he's getting into trouble. Wow, I feel like I've hit rock bottom. Everyone knows what it feels like to have a relationship. Everyone. Except me. What am I kidding? I've already hit rock bottom. As a matter of fact, I hit it so hard that I can't even think anymore.

(A/N: I hope you all have a good week and a happy thanksgiving 🦃🍁. Next post is on Friday)

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