Mentally Broken

18

Chapter song: Kill for You by Skylar Grey
After the nurse walks by and disappears, I hold Mia close again.
"What was your girlfriend like, Justin?" she asks loud enough for me to sense the nervousness yet curiosity in her voice.
"My...girlfriend?" I choke out, wishing I didn't have to say anything about her. She makes my insides turn inside out.
"Like...before she hurt you," Mia adds, and she deserves an answer. I should give her one. I don't really have a choice.
"My...Uhm, she was...sweet. Name was Lisa. We did everything...She was there for me when dad died," I begin to explain, feeling uneasy about saying something nice about Lisa. Plus, it's really hard to talk without getting frustrated and distracted by these damn voices.
"But dad died. I had no one. My mom died...Wasn't handling it well. Uhm...some friends told me I was crazy, weird. Never sure why...But Lisa never thought that. I loved her...until one day, walked in on her. With my best friend. I...I got messed up...I, uhm...I killed her—but it was an accident...I swear. Didn't even know what I was doing," I admit in deep shame and regret, lowering my head in order to avoid eye contact with Mia. Mia gasps, her eyes wide and shocked when I sneak a glance at her.
"Justin," she sounds quiet yet full of shock.
"...It's not something I'm proud of. Haunts me...She called me crazy. It hurt. Uhm...I loved her. She betrayed me...Called me crazy. Am I crazy? Everyone thinks, so maybe I'm...crazy," I admit my secrets to Mia. I don't expect her to stay. I mean, I killed my own girlfriend. Who would love me?
"...You are not crazy, Justin...And I don't care if you murdered someone. She deserved it. She didn't know what you went through. You are not crazy, and I love you," Mia kisses my cheek again and hugs me, catching me by surprise.
"You're nice Mia," I smile slightly to her words. "I'll take that as a compliment." Her cheeks warm up to a pink shade.
"C'mon..Got a secret place that we can go," (Cuz I really wanna be alone🎶). I take Mia's cold hand and sneak out of the room. I lead her into the hallway and into the janitor's closet. There's nothing but blackness in here.
"Justin, what are we doing here?"
Mia asks through the darkness. "I'm not sure," I can feel her standing close to me, her presence nearby. "It's so dark," she whispers, her voice making me shiver.

The voices are loud; they tell me how messed up I am. But somehow my hands find her face, and they gently cup it. Her breathing is light and unsteady as I lean in to make contact with her lips. I kissed her delicately, careful not to damage her in any way. From how she kisses back, I can tell she's nervous. Her lips are full of anxiousness and insecurity. However, I can't handle this well either. I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of kissing another girl. I've only known her for about a week.
"Can we talk?" Mia breaks the kiss to ask me. "Yeah," I find the wall and help her on the floor. We're sitting in nothing but darkness. Unspoken words are hanging off our tongues.
"...I don't know what to do, Justin. I've never been part of a relationship before," Mia speaks soft enough to sense her anxiety.
"Don't stress out, Mia...You don't have to impress anyone. Be yourself," I'm not sure if I can do that either. I'm just talking shit.
"Be myself?" Mia sounds uneasy. She's probably heard this many times before.
"...I won't judge you. You never judged me," I search for her hand then hold it. The voices aren't easy to ignore, especially when I'm already self conscious.
"...Ok." Her voice lowers to a whisper. "Tell something new...about you," I keep her hand in mine to feel her reactions and expressions.
"I wish I was dead," she mumbles, and I can feel the pain through her fingers.
"Tell something else," I already know she wants to be dead. And I can't help her.
"I feel like I'm disappointing you in every way." Her voice is shaky, and her hand squeezes mine, like she doesn't want me to leave.
"...You're not, Mia. I don't feel bad with you. Everybody makes me feel stupid...except you. I know what love feels like, and what I feel with you," I speak truthfully to her. There's s nothing false about what I just said. Love is a lost feeling to me. I haven't felt it in ages.
"You really mean that?" she sounds like she's on the verge of tears. Probably because she is.
"Yeah," I hold her hand tighter, hoping to keep her together. Suddenly, I feel her delicate lips on mine again. Her arms wrap around me, and I almost push her away because I don't like being taken by surprise. It takes a moment to get used to her touching my neck, but I eventually kiss back, letting the voices take over. We kiss until our breaths are uneven; then we hear someone shout for lunch.
"We should go," Mia says, so I help her up, then feel for the door. Once we're outside, we join the line of people going into the cafeteria. It takes a moment to get used to the brightness, because we were sitting in darkness for about an hour. Mia and I sit down with my usual bowl of Cap'n Crunch and her usual apple. I eat her apple and half my bowl of cereal.
"Can we go back after this?" Mia asks shyly. It takes me a moment to process her words because the voices are talking simultaneously.
"Sure," I smile faintly. I know what we're going to do, and I'm looking forward to it.
(Mia's pov)
-7pm-
My lips still feel tingly and sensational from kissing Justin. It's all I can think about it as I take a freezing cold shower. I dress myself in my usual gray jacket and the ugly hospital pants. For our undergarments, people donate it or our parents send them in. In my case, I think my mom sends them to me. It's actually quite surprising.

I make my way to our room and see Justin muttering something under his breath. He speaks of something about blood, but I don't want to ask about it. Instead I lie down on my hard bed and stare at the ceiling in contemplation. I may be depressed and suicidal, but for once in forever, I'm feeling okay. It's weird how one person can change me just the slightest. However, I'd still stab myself to death if I could. It's just a natural feeling that remains in me. With all these troubling thoughts, I guess I'm in for another sleepless night.
"Come here," Justin distantly mumbles from his bed. I eagerly go over and sit beside him.
"If you want...Y-You can sleep here," he sounds uneasy about it, yet he seems fine with it too.
"Ok...thanks, Justin," I smile and lie beside him as he remains sitting up, staring at the wall ahead of him.
"Justin?" I hope I'm not bothering him. "Hm?" he blankly continues to stare at the wall. "Do you ever sleep?" I ask nervously. "The most I get is an hour," Justin answers flatly, his expression without emotion. He should really get more or at least 3 hours. The most I get is about 5 hours. I don't bother to put the blanket over myself, because it's useless. I just proceed to stare at the ceiling, until I feel a body beside me. It's Justin.
"You're so sweet, Justin," I smile and turn to look in his disturbed eyes. He just smiles crookedly at me; then I riskily move myself under his arm, so he can put his arm around me. I stretch my arm across his chest. Justin tenses up a bit, but he relaxes once I lightly kiss his cheek.
-6am-
There isn't much on my mind right now, except for Justin and suicide. I slept from 1-4am. It's not much, but it's something.
Even though Justin is cold as ice, I still manage to receive warmth from him. I shift a little; then Justin frantically shoots up from his place in bed. I gasp in shock as Justin mumbles something inaudible and lies back down as the f nothing happened.
"Are you ok?" I ask in a concerned yet still taken back whisper, and he nods silently. I hold his hand to help him recover; then I think of something: I've been asking myself 'Am I weak?' for a while now. I've always thought I was worth nothing, and I just want to end my life.
"Justin...Am I weak?" I want someone else's opinion. I don't trust mine. Or anyone else's
"...W-What do you m-mean?" he mutters out, sounding a bit frustrated. I know it's not my fault. Schizophrenia is not easy to cope with.
"Am I weak, as in, wanting to die?"
I don't look in his eyes, but I really want to. "No, you're tired. You can only take so much, Mia," Justin responds, and it makes another question pop in my head.
"Would you care if I died?"

(A/N: Things have been quite rough lately. I got yelled at in front of my whole class by my teacher on Monday, and I'm still not over it. Damn it was so embarrassing 😩😒😞. I'm so pissed and stressed, but at least it's almost Friday. Next post is on Friday/Saturday)