Mentally Broken

25

Chapter song: Wonderless by Pierce the Veil
(Mia's pov)
-6am-
The air is dark and still makes me cold. I like it like that. It gives me comfort. I feel haunted and empty. My demons and ghosts are all present. I feel them clawing at my spine and wrapping their fingers around my throat. Their presence gives me a sense of peace. Maybe Justin'll be out today. I miss him so much. I've been wishing death upon myself all night. Not one sign of rest or life has crept over me at all. All I think about is suicide and death. Suicide and death.
"Mia! Get up! Breakfast is waiting!" a nurse breaks my thoughts, so I reluctantly get up. There's no point in arguing with these people anymore. Arriving at the bathroom, I take a cold shower and shave with the supervision of a nurse. Giving a damn isn't relevant, yet I walk out into the cold hallway on the verge of tears.

Nobody even cares if I'm ok. I got raped last night, and nobody gives a crap. Not one concerned glance, no worried questions, no hint of sympathy. No feelings toward my bruised temple and cheek. Maybe a few glances at the hand mark clasped around my neck, but no consideration for why it's there. That's so fucked up.
I sigh hopelessly and limp slightly into the cafeteria, in which no devotion lives. Each step hurts. How can it not? Violations occurred against my will. How can I ever expect to erase the details? How can I ever convince myself innocent? Even if it's not my fault.

My spirits brighten when I see Justin muttering to himself at another table. Immediately, I rush to him and secretly tap his shoulder. He flinches and looks at me with his dark, brown eyes of bundled insanity.
"Mia," Justin instantly stands up in concern. We know where we're heading, so we walk out into the hallway. We go into a nearby door to find only an art supply closet. Good enough.
"Justin, I missed—" But I can't finish my sentence, because I break down and shatter on him, spilling my pain all over his heart.
"Mia, I'm so so sorry. I tried, Mia. I'm sorry," Justin shatters too, staining my heart with his pain as well.
"It's not your fault. I know you tried. That's ok," I sob and hug him tightly, trying to get rid of the trauma in my soul. Of course, I can't transfer pain to a person who's already in pain.
"A-Are you hurt?" Justin rubs my back comfortingly, his voice chafed with worry, like a bruise. His eyes shift guiltily to the bruises on my face.

"I want to die," I cry out to him, wishing he could understand my suicidal wishes. "I know, Mia. I know." We keep hugging and remain close to each other for an unknown amount of time. Time is irrelevant right now. People are walking, and we hear the meeting about to start. Nurses usually count us, so we should rejoin the group. Quietly, we sneak into the meeting and sit beside each other without another word.

With Justin, we don't need words to express our feelings. We have a secret strategy that gives us everything we need from each other. We love each other's presence, and it gives comfort.

The speaker blabbers on about seeing the good in life. It's just a load of bullshit. There is no good in life. It's just nightmares and fear and pain. Everything about life is unfair. Life is the constant need to feel wanted and accepted by people who truly don't give a crap.

The meeting eventually ends, so Justin and I sneak out into the janitor's closet, our usual hiding place. Wanting to escape this mess, I kiss him before the door even shuts. He kisses back. We both kiss, feeling each other's bare skin under our shirts. But he's careful with me, not taking it too far. Minutes of kissing go by, and finally we come to a halt, because our breaths are too deep and complicated.
"We-We need to...get out," Justin sits me down and turns on a flashlight, which I don't bother to ask how he got. He pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. The paper seems to have a ragged, poorly sketched drawing of the whole building in Birdseye view.
"I think that if we sneak out at night, there'll be a smaller chance of getting caught," I join in on the plan, and Justin nods.
"And we can take the emergency stairs instead of the elevator," I keep on adding to the plan. "Is there a kitchen downstairs?" Justin's eyes are a golden yellow through the rays of flashlight. "Yeah. We can sneak out there," I mark an X on the back door. "Let's try it tonight," Justin turns off the flashlight, leaving us in complete darkness, except for the faint light under the door.

Justin sounds paranoid, and I am too. If we get caught, I'm not sure what will happen. It won't be good.
"Ok," I swallow hard, take a breath, then kiss Justin again. Compelling with me, Justin gently hauls me on his body and kisses me back. We use our tongues and hands to communicate throughout the kiss. Justin slips his cold hands under my clothes to lovingly stroke my back. I tangle my fingers in his silky, smooth hair.
"I-It's gonna work," Justin whispers and I nod, secretly anxious about everything.
"...I love you," he cups my face with his cold hands, and I can smell his minty breath. For a second I think he's in his mind again, but I participate anyway.
"I love you too," I whisper back, self conscious about what my breath smells like. Justin hugs me, so I hug back with distress.
-12pm-
I've never been this close to a person before. I don't think Justin has either. In an extremely messed up way, I feel wanted.
"I think we should go," Justin helps me up and leads me through the darkness. Once we make it in the cafeteria, we get our usual.
"Hey guys," Za joins us for lunch today, his loose jacket wrapped around him. "Hi," I smile weakly at him. "How's it going?" Za's eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. "Same as usual," I answer with a shrug. I think Justin's having one of his moments where he blocks out everything to stay in his head. It's ok. I don't mind it.
"Yeah, I know. Oh, and aren't you friends with Kate?" Za brought up Kate, and I immediately wonder where she's been lately. "Yeah," I listen closely to what he has to say, because I'm concerned for her. She hasn't shown up in ages.
"She wanted me to tell you that she's fine and not worry about her," Za tells me as if he knows her best. Maybe he does.
"What happened to her?" I ask out of worry for my friend. "She had an asthma attack. She has a severe case of anxiety," Za answers uneasily. "Oh that's terrible. I didn't know that.," I narrow my eyes, feeling horrible for asking. "Well, I didn't either until she told me," Za sounds gloomy and deflated like there's no life in him. "Are you two close?" I ask him. "We may have a little something." A bashful smile spreads across his face, but it's small and devoid of true happiness. "That's cute," I smile back the best I can.
"You and Justin sure have something," Za glances at Justin, who's whispering something to himself. Justin seems tense and is digging his fingers into his hospital pants (not literally).
"Yeah, it'd be better if we were out of here," I mumble in irritation as I look towards the window, wishing I could fly away from this place. "I know," Za nods in agreement. The nurses shout for us to leave, so I stand up. "I'll see you whenever. Nice talking to you," Za smiles at me before heading the opposite direction than Justin and me.
"Justin," I place my hand on his; then Justin breaks out of his head and stops whispering, at least giving me a piece of his attention.
"Are you ready?" I gently ask him. "...Yeah," he sounds shaken, but I feel unsure to ask him anything.
"Alright everyone! Today is visiting day! Please wait until I call your name!" the nurses shout loud and strictly. "Fuck,"I cross my fingers that nobody's here to see me. "I don't wanna see them, Justin. They're the ones who put me in here in the first place," I sit beside him against the wall. "...Why would they?...They caused you so much pain," Justin mumbles, still sounding shaken from his moment in the cafeteria. "I don't know...But they can go fuck themselves," I grow angry, because I know they're most likely here. I just know it.

(A/N: I'm really upset, because I've been working on the trailer for this story, and all of it just deleted. Ughhh, so now I have to start over. Plus I feel like shit because I'm sick. Anyways, I'm going to stop ranting bc it's the weekend, and I love writing for you guys and the next post is on Sunday or Monday)