Mentally Broken

29

Chapter song: Stay Away From My Friends by Pierce the Veil
-6am-
I quickly remove myself from Mia, so nobody will see us touching. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night.  That's a new record for me. I'm going to give Mia another thirty minutes of sleep.
As I sit here a few feet away from her, I wonder what's going on in her head. Is she dreaming of suicide? Me? A way out? I don't know. I'll never know.

The thoughts in my head are mostly of that night, the one that led me to murder. I should've never grabbed that knife. Lisa should've never cheated on me in the worst way. I still hear her words replaying over and over in my head.
'You're fucking crazy! All you do is talk to yourself!' Lisa yelled at me. I remember every detail of that night. Lisa was fixing on her pink bra. She had just pulled up her white shorts after standing off my best friend. I remember my best friend hiding under the covers while she explained why she didn't love me anymore. That's when I grabbed a knife and stabbed her in the throat. It was a big mistake. I was too hurt. God I'm so fucking stupid. Hell is somewhere in the unknown, but I feel like it's right here, in my head.
"I'm no good. I'm bad," I mutter on repeat, because I need to get it through my head that I'm such a horrible person.
"Justin, are you awake?" Mia's delicate voice breaks my nightmares.
"Yeah...w-why?" I make contact with her dark coffee eyes.
"I'm just checking to see if you're awake or not," she rubs her sunken eyes and sits up.
"Alright. Let's go, you two!" a nurse's yell makes us both jump. She grabs our arms and pulls us out. We're led into a room down the hall, where the nurse sits us down in front of a desk. Soon enough another woman steps into the room, taking a seat on her chair and folding her hands on the desk.
"We're going to have a little talk," the lady gives us both a hard, strict look. "First, I want to know why you attempted to escape." The small room falls silent, with me and Mia as inferior.
(Mia's pov)
"Well, speak up," she grows impatient and annoyed.
"Obviously we hate it here," I roll my eyes while Justin sits beside me in a more complicated universe.
"I'm afraid that's the last thing we care about here. Our job is to get you better, not to satisfy your needs," the lady raises her eyebrows mockingly.
"This is so fucked up—" "We don't tolerate that kind of language here," she directs strictly.
"Can we leave now?" I grumble. "What makes you think killing your self is the solution to your problems?" The subject changes, turning a completely opposite direction.
"Uhm, excuse me?" I raise my eyebrows, surprised by the personal question.
"Why did you attempt suicide?" the lady stares intimidatingly, and I notice Justin glances anxiously at me.
"...Uh, that's not your business—" "Why were you bullied?" Ok, this is too personal. What gives her the right to ask me this?
"I'm waitin—" "S-Stop," Justin stutters with his eyes burning.
"You know, I've always wondered what you hear, Justin," the lady now targets Justin. "What do the voices tell you?" she questions rudely.
"...I-I...uhm," he struggles with his mind, and it's so not fair to him for someone to ask him about his schizophrenia.
"Leave him the hell alone!" I snap loudly. "Excuse me, this does not concern you!" "Shut the fuck up!" "Enough! Both of you do not seem to be sane. Nurses, give them some medicine to calm them!" the lady calls angrily, pushing her chair back forcefully. In response, a few nurses come in with grim expressions. Then I feel my arms being strapped down to the chair's arm rest. Frantically, I look to see the same thing happening to Justin. Except he's more fearful.
"What the hell are you doing?!" I glare at the nurses, who present a syringe to me.
"Hold still," they demand before inserting the needle in my arm. I wince and start cursing repeatedly.
"What the fuck is this?!" I shout and demand for an answer, but it's like I'm the only one in the room. I receive no response. After minutes of tugging and screaming, I feel myself become excessively relaxed, and I don't know really what's going on. It's like they numbed me down, because I feel everything lose its importance.
"You can go now," the lady orders, so Justin and I get up and walk out the door. I feel like a zombie, not paying much attention to anything. I'm pretty sure they drugged us, but not in the way it's done at parties.
When we get to the quiet room again, we either lie in bed or sit down in thought. I must be dumb, unaware of anything. I feel restless yet exhausted. Maybe it'll go away if I sleep it out.
(Justin's pov)
-12pm-
Ugh I feel like crap. What the hell happened? The nurses gave us some kind of medicine that got us all loaded or something. I have a bad headache, and the voices are still playing in my head, like always. Whatever the nurses put in my system made me half conscious. Mia says it's a type of treatment used by mental asylums on patients. It's not used as often, but I guess it is here.
"Are you ok Justin?" Mia reaches for my hand with concern. In response, I only nod distantly and reach out to hold her. Before I can find safety in her, a nurse opens the door. Then we regress from each other.
We're led to the cafeteria once again, like nothing happened. Nothing is mentioned about earlier this morning. Still fazed, Mia grabs her apple, and I get a small bowl of cap'n crunch. She takes two bites, then hands the apple to me. I eat it, then hand it back to her before a nurse comes to give us our medicines.
After we take our pills, we go into the meeting/hangout room, where the speaker starts today's session.
"Today we'll be discussing how to properly deal with our feelings..."
Properly? There's a right way to deal with the emotions? This is just a load of bullshit. Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people, like Mia, hurt themselves to let out the pain. Some people cry all night to get rid of the pain. Some people, like me, keep it all in their heads. There is no "proper" way to deal with pain. It's just human instinct.
After our session, Mia wants to hide in the closet again. I lead her inside and let the darkness sink into our heads.
"It feels good to not feel so watched. I don't want to ever go back there," Mia whispers soft and relaxingly. "I know," I find her waist and pull her close enough to feel her coldness.
"I wanna be with you forever, but..." she pauses, and I can feel her depression from inches away. So intense. So contagious.
"But why?" I ask at a whisper. "...But I just can't do it anymore. I can't live another second, Justin. It feels like every second the need to die gets worse." Her voice grows frail and wobbly.
"...I may n-not know how that feels...but I know what it feels like to want to d-die," I kiss her deep enough to show her how much I want death too. She kisses back and hugs me close.

"So how are we gonna get out of here?" she whispers in the kiss. "T-Try the basement," I caress her thin, gaunt waist. "I'll try whatever," she has her hand placed on my shoulders in agreement. "W-We'll try...tomorrow night," I insist, because tonight's too soon. I suck at planning and remembering stuff, but I figure when I see the basement I'll recognize the plan. "Ok," Mia kisses me again with her hands creeping under my shirt. They send chills up my spine, so I let a French kiss mix in with the kiss. She moans a little as my tongue scans over hers and explores her lips. Suddenly, we hear a shout, causing us to break the kiss, then gasp for both air and recovery. "Let's go," I lead her into the light while avoiding any contact. We safely make it into the lunchroom without any suspicion.

(A/N: I'm so not in the mood for choir rehearsal tomorrow. It lasts til 8, and ugh! Hopefully I won't have that much homework. I should also get to bed early tonight. Next post is on Thursday or Friday)