Mentally Broken

24

Chapter song: Bulls in the Bronx by Pierce the Veil
(Mia's pov)
Fuck! I hate myself! I have to end this NOW! I can't take this shit anymore!! Please kill me! Kill me! I'll do anything! The pain is too much! Everything is so fucking pointless! I feel so disgusting and dirty. I can't take it. I scream until my voice is gone. I cry until my eyes are dry. I pull my hair, trying to find a way to get rid of the pain in my worthless heart. I hit the wall and destroy the neatly made bed. I can't deal anymore! Ugh! Kill me! I don't know how to breathe, how to live! I fucking hate myself! All I do is fucking mess everything up! Dammit! Kill me! I don't feel wanted in this shit-hole! All I fucking get is misery on top of fucking misery! Fucking kill me! Stab me! Somebody choke me! Somebody cut me up and rip my heart out! I will NEVER be enough. I will NEVER belong. I will NEVER NEVER FUCKING BE OKAY! I don't want anyone to fucking come to my funeral! I don't want anyone to cry like they have no fucking idea why I died! They'll know exactly why I did it! Fuck everything! Oh, shit! KILL ME! Kill me! Kill me! I hate this place! I just wanna...UGH! FUCK! Kill. Me.

"Kill me," I whimper softly on the floor, feeling my heart suffocate from the pain. The room feels chained down and quiet. Nobody hears me. Nobody hears me screaming, banging, breaking down. Nobody hears me. Nobody cares. Nobody wants to help me. Nobody.

I cry and cry and cry. I want to be 6 feet underground with my heart as still as this room. I want to be dead. Is that too much to ask? There's no chance of sleep tonight. I'm tired all over, but with my demons haunting me, I will not rest. As long as I'm alive, I will not rest.
-7am-
I'm restless with my head pounding. I can't sleep. I will never sleep with Jake on my mind. He took my virginity. It was my only possession. Why him? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Justin took it, but why Jake? He hurt me in every way possible. I know Justin tried his best to help me. I know he wanted to. He has no idea what happened.
The closet door was locked after Jake forcefully pulled me inside the closet when I was on my way to our room. After that, he just...took advantage of me. It was a nightmare.

Justin's in the quiet room; so is Jake. They're in separate rooms though. This wouldn't have happened if I was dead. I would be happy if I was no part of this world. It's simply just not meant for me. I wonder when Justin's coming back. He must be so let down, yet he could be happy to get away from me. I bet he is.
(Justin's pov)
I won't be getting out anytime today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. I hope Mia's ok. Jake hurt her so badly, and I know she must be itching to kill herself. I tried. I honestly tried to help her, but I couldn't. I'm such a failure, like always.

When people look at me, they see stupidity and helplessness. They see a pathetic loser that can't control himself. I'm sorry if I talk to walls. I'm sorry if I say something unexpected. I'm sorry for hearing these voices. I'm sorry for having a fucked up head.

Sometimes I question my existence. I wonder what it'd be like to end it all. Would anyone, besides Mia, care? Would anyone break down? Am I useful to this world? After all, I am isolated from it. I'm in here, because I don't fit in with anyone outside this building. Why can't we all just kill ourselves? What's the big deal? None of us mean anything to anyone if we're in such an isolated place.
Mia's been feeling these suicidal thoughts for who-knows-how-long. Even though I've felt slight cravings of suicide before, I've barely just acknowledged them now. Does this make me suicidal? If I think about killing myself, does this make me suicidal? Or am I just sad? Or is it my head?
"Am I suicidal?" I keep repeating this question. Would it make a difference? Would the world move on? Why can't I kill myself? The sun will still come up. The world will still turn. Everything will be the same. So why not?
"Yes," I whisper the answer to my repeated question. I guess I can join Mia. Speaking of Mia, I want to see her. I want to be with her. Is she thinking about me? Can I kiss her? Can I just kiss her? I need her now. She's all I can think about, besides suicide.

We don't know shit about each other except that we're not mentally stable. I'd do so much to make her happy. I don't know why people are so against her. She's harmless to anyone, except to herself. She reminds me a lot about my mom.

My mom was a beautiful, kind woman, and she always made sure I was happy. But I don't think she herself was happy. As I grew older, I noticed unusual things about my mom.
She cried a lot.
She cried all night long. She cried throughout the day. She cried at the table, in bed, on the couch. I once stayed up all night just to see how long she would cry. The tears lasted hours after my bedtime. I asked her why she was crying; she said it was nothing and that she was fine.
My mom never left the house either. She'd stay home all the time, usually in the bathroom. The bathroom was her favorite place, her secret place. She did everything in there. She'd barely eat, sleep occasionally, and cry nonstop. I could never tell why she always wore baggy clothes and looked so exhausted all the time.
Despite my mom's behavior, she'd still look out for me when she could. One time I saw cuts on her arm when her sleeve was rolled up. I thought she must've done it by accident. It worried me, but I didn't ask.
My dad, on the other hand, lived a few blocks down in an apartment building. He picked me up for school or to hang out, but he never spoke to my mom. As a matter of fact, mom and dad never made contact at all. My dad was more social than my mom. He never talked about mom, but he did say that they grew apart. He said that that's why they weren't together anymore. It turns out that my dad cheated on mom. I discovered this when I saw a strange girl in his apartment.
Now, I know everything. Mom was depressed, because my dad cheated on her. She felt alone and hurt. Mia had told me this before too. I just don't understand why my mom would act so different.
She cried; she hated herself.
She stayed in the bathroom; she cut herself.
She never left; she was too scared of the world.
She wore baggy clothes; she was hiding her cuts.
The sad part is that mom had to die. She killed herself with merely a rope and chair. I remember the whole scene: blood soaking her sleeves, the stillness of the room, the chair on the floor, her lifeless body hanging from the ceiling, the dreadful silence.

That was the worst day of my life. I was so lost, confused, torn apart. I asked myself why? I didn't understand. Why would my mom leave me? She was supposed to stay with me forever. What happened?
On the day of her funeral, my dad got as close as he'd ever gotten to my mom in years. He cried for about ten minutes; then he went to his car and waited for the ceremony to be over. I saw my dead mom. I held her cold hand and saw the dried cuts on her wrists. Everyone told me that she was happy, but I really doubted it. I still do. That was the last time I ever saw my mom again.
My dad took care of me after my mom's death. He made me smile whenever he could. I never depended on my dad much, because he partied a lot. He drank too, but he didn't see the danger in it. One day, his own life was taken by the simple mistake of drinking too much. He got in a car wreck, and that was the last of him. I was only 17, but I never told anyone. I stayed with my best friend and girlfriend. Everything started going down since my mom died. My head was just not able to function properly. Strange voices started building up like fire in my head. My eyes and ears had become a deception to me, because I never knew if I was truly hearing or seeing things. It's best to just kill me now. I'm no use to anything.

(A/N: This post is kinda boring, but it's supposed to be about them letting their feelings out and sort of contemplating life and stuff. So in a way, I guess it's not boring. Next post is on Thursday or Friday)