Mentally Broken

17

Chapter song: All Apologies by Nirvana
"Hey, Mia, how's it going?" Za greets me with a gentle pat on the shoulder and a welcoming voice.
"Good," I beam friendly at him, trying not to expose my depression.
"Oh this is my friend Khalil. He's my roommate," Za introduces me to the tall guy, who grins warmly at me.
"Hi, I'm Mia," I shake hands with him, feeling how much bigger his hands are than mine.
"Nice to meet you sweetheart," he gives me a amiable nod before releasing our handshake. All three of us walk into the cafeteria and get our breakfast. I get an apple as usual, then sit next to Justin.
"So anything new going on?" Za's  eating a bowl of fruit loops next to Khalil, who's eating Cocoa Pebbles.
"Kind of," I glance at Justin, unable to stop myself from blushing. Justin does the same.
"Please tell," Za gazes curiously at the both of us. So does Khalil.
"Justin and I kissed," I confess, hoping it's ok with Justin. Who are they going to tell? Nobody cares even if they tell anyway.
"Really? Wow, what's next? Home run?" Za flicks his eyebrows at Justin and me, which makes Justin chuckle.
"Like we could possibly get away with that in here," Justin smirks a little.
"Yea, you're right," Za smirks too. Oh, please stop talking about this. I know I brought it up, but I didn't think sex would get involved.
"Anyways, how do you get a therapist?" I change the subject before too much is said.
"Oh, I don't have one, but I think you have to pay for one."
Za answers with an uncertain shrug.
"I-I d-don't have one either," Justin eats my apple for me, making sure nobody is watching us.
"I don't think I have one either," I'm sure my mom didn't get one for me. She probably thinks it's too expensive, yet she'll buy $200 worth of shoes and purses. I don't care anymore, if I have a therapist or not. It's just a person who talks about my problems for money. I don't think any therapist can fix me.
"Good morning," a nurse hands us our pills, giving me a firm look. She's the same nurse that forced me to shovel loads of calories down my throat. Playing the same game, I give her a glare before taking the pills. I bet she put poison in the pills or something. She eyes the half eaten apple in front of me, then, falling for the trap, walks away.
"...W-We should go," Justin stands up with me, noticing my tension with the nurse.
"Alright. See you soon," Za and Khalil wave as we walk out the door. We sit in the plastic chairs and wait for today's lesson when we enter the meeting room. It's silent for minutes on end. There are other patients here. They're silent as well. We're all a bunch of ghosts just wavering in the middle of the room.
"Good day everyone, today we'll be discussing effort and not giving up when life is difficult..." the speaker enters the room and starts the session.
I get why this is spoken in here, but what if giving up is the only option? I mean, I'm not stupid. I tried to keep my pride. I tried to stand up for myself at school and at home, but everyone took away my pride, piece by piece until I had nothing at all. Now, all I feel is shame.
(Justin's pov)
It's lunchtime, and Mia and I repeat the same old routine. Just going through the motions.
"I wonder what it's like to go outside," Mia thinks out loud, her fingers fiddling with a plastic fork.
"...There are a days we can...but it's not often," I answer as I eat her apple for her. "It still would be nice to get out," Mia sighs hopelessly, as I hear a faint whispering. It's not real. I've learned that it's all in my head. But it annoys the shit out of me, not being able to get peace and quiet.
"I kno—" "What's going on with you two these days? Fucking in the bathroom?" Jake stands in between me and Mia, looking for trouble. "We're having a conversation here, dick," Mia glares at him, her hollow eyes burning fiercely.
"You're a feisty one. I could use you around more often," Jake touches her thigh, making her bitterly smack his hand away. Anger rises uncontrollably inside of me, and my temper is getting shorter by the second. "You'd be very useful...for my dick," he puts his hands back on her thigh. Ok, that's it.
"Hey, get your hands off her!" I raise my voice as I angrily stand up, sending my chair back. "Or what? You're gonna beat me up? Don't you have a wall to talk to?" he smirks and teases, making my chest twist so tight that I can feel my throat going with it. One more small thing, and I'll have a breakdown.
"Weak spot, huh?" Jake has a knowing gleam in his eyes that sends fury rushing. For now, I ignore him and turn around with Mia. "Hey, I'm talking to you," Jake follows us, obviously not dropping the subject. I continue to ignore him and secretly put my hand in Mia's for comfort. "Answer me!" Suddenly, before I know it, my face is planted smack on the tiled floor, and there's sharp pain in my temple. The stinging sensation leaves me groaning and pressing my palm to my head.
"Stop! Get away from him!" Mia's voice screams angrily yet in concern. The pain dies a little, and Jake is being pulled away from me. "Justin, are you ok?" Mia helps me up to my feet. I still feel a good amount of pain on the side of my head, and I'm a little dizzy. I nod my head while I keep applying pressure to my head. "You need an ice pack. Hold on," she sits me down at the table. I quietly sigh and replay Jake's words.

Is this what I'm known for? Talking to walls? I feel pretty torn up inside. Goddamn, this hurts so deep. I'm so fucked up. I'd rather feel nothing at all than feel the hate of the world. "Here, Justin," Mia returns and presses a cold ice pack on my pounding head. I don't care about the physical pain.  "It's the words that hurt the most," I mutter an escaped thought. "Justin, he's an asshole. Don't listen to his crap," Mia supportively holds my hand. How can I take her advice when she doesn't take it herself? How can I do anything? I am not normal. I am crazy.
"Let's go," I don't want to do anything right now. Mia follows me into the meeting/hangout room. We sit down in silence and wait for the lecture. Is this what I get for whatever I've done? Is it because I am a freak? Or is it just bad luck? Why does everything get fucked up when I'm around? Why do I have to be this way? I'm just a loser, physco, freak. That's all I'll ever be.

"What he said wasn't true, Justin. You're worth so much more to me, and I think you're the best person in the world," Mia and I sit at our corner after the boring lecture. She's close, but I'm slightly used to her. "It's not like I can help it. My head is just so fucked up," I tug my hair furiously, revving up a headache. "Hey, don't do that, Justin. It'll be ok," she untangles my fingers from my hair, her eyes concerned. "I just want to think straight," I start to break apart, so I put my hood on and hide myself. These voices won't leave me alone. This constant paranoia is haunting me 24/7. My mind is my worst enemy.
"Justin, there's nothing wrong with you. If there is, then I don't see it, because you seem pretty normal to me," Mia rubs my back soothingly, as if she's trying to rub her comfort on me. I sniffle in my temporary hiding place and doubt everything. I doubt her, any hope that I'll be ok. I feel her pull my arm out from my protection and rest it over her razor-like shoulder blades for her to nuzzle close to me.
"I love you," Her colorless lips touch my wet cheek. Surprised, I raise my head up and dry my face. My heart is pounding like a jackhammer in my chest, attempting to shatter all my bones.
"I love you too," I haven't said or heard these words in forever. Mia smile and hugs me once again. I hug back, then pull her away, because a nurse is heading our way.

(A/N: I've been feeling like shit all week, so that's why I haven't posted. Sorry about that. Hopefully this'll all work out. Next post is on Saturday/Sunday)

Btw I'm going to start posting these cute pics/gifs of Justin!❤️