Mentally Broken

19

Video works^^^
Chapter song: I'm Lost Without You
"Would you care if I died?" I look in Justin's eyes this time. "...Yeah, I would—" "Why?" I stare at his reaction, which is thoughtful, quiet, a little self destructive. "B-Because you'd care...if I died," he replies seriously with a hint of anxiety.
"What if you never knew me?" I question him in search of the truth.
"...I'd still car—" "Why?" I'm dying to know. Everyone says they care, but deep down they really don't. What makes Justin any different?
"...Because you're broken...Y-Y-You're nice, beautiful, and you d-did nothing wrong. You don't deserve all the b-bullshit you get." His wretched hand attaches to my cheek. I kiss his hand and keep it there. Justin carefully pulls me on top of him, and I hate the fact that I'm too heavy. I'm too fat.
"Y-You're fine, M-Mia," Justin gently caresses my back with his eyes full of insanity. I relax a little and rest my head on his chest, where I feel the slightest bit of warmth.

"Am I doing good?" I whisper a soft question. "In what?" he whispers back while flinching a little.
"Being a girlfriend?" My cheeks warm up slightly. "You're d-doing great," he smiles weakly and stares in my lifeless eyes. It's funny how well lifelessness and insanity go together so well. I guess that's what makes this whole relationship work out. I smile back thankfully and kiss his slightly chapped lips.

We hear a shout for breakfast, then quickly walk out of our room. The moment is over, and I want it to replay again. I make my way to the girls' bathroom as Justin goes the opposite way. Shivering cold, I brush my teeth and hair. It's got to be below freezing in this place. There's just no way anyone could survive.

"Hey, Mia, we haven't talked in a while. How are you?" Katie braids her jet black hair while talking to me by the sink. "I'm good, bored as usual," I sigh hopelessly and wash my pale hands. "I get it. Do you mind if I join you for breakfast?" she marks the end of her braid with a wrist band. "Not at all." We walk into the hallway, and Justin is whispering something to himself until his brown eyes link to mine.
"Hi Justin," Katie friendly waves and beams at him. Justin gives her an appreciated nod with a small smile. I get my apple, and Justin gets his bowl of cereal, and Katie gets a blueberry muffin with orange juice. "You guys are so adorable. You should totally date," Katie maintains such a happy attitude. It's almost like it's sarcastic, but it's not. "Well, we...are...sort of—" "Really?! Omigod, you two are perfect for each other!" Katie bursts in excitement but, then quiets down a bit while I blush from all the attention. "Aww," she smiles like it's the happiest news she's ever heard. I'm dying to ask her why she's so happy all the time, but I don't want to ruin the moment. I'm sure it's personal to her. Justin's smiling cutely also, eating my apple. Katie talks about how Justin and me are "cute" and compliments us before we have to go to our lecture.

Katie has to see her therapist, so Justin and I say goodbye to her and sit in the old plastic chairs, as usual. Justin is scratching his chair until a nurse scolds him. He seems annoyed yet hurt at the same time. I know it's hard for him, because he can't help it. I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to have voices distracting me all the time. He wishes he could get rid of it, and I want to help him. But it's a mental thing. And I'm not good with mental disorders.

Today's lecture is about facing our fears. It's stupid, because I'm not scared of anything. I gave all my fears away when I gave up on life. I'm not scared of death or anything like that. I've died a million times. I'm just irrelevant to the world. Nothing to do, nothing to live for, nothing to face in life. Everything is just a big pit of sadness for me.

After the lecture ends, Justin and I sit in our usual spot. Something else is on my mind. It has to do with Jake. Every once in a while I'll see him eyeing at me. It's creeping me out.
"Can we go back?" I ask Justin about going back to the closet. Justin nods; then we sneak out successfully into the janitor's closet, where we spend the longest time in silence.
"I'm worried," I finally confess to him in the darkness. "About what, Mia?" Justin has my waist at his fingertips. It makes me uncomfortable yet eager to see what he has in store. "I feel like Jake is up to something," I look at him in anxiousness, even though I can't see anything.
"He probably is, but there's not much for him to do in here," Justin mutters, talking more to himself.
"You're right." But I still think that Jake is going to do something bad.
"F-Forget that bastard." Justin's teeth are gritted. I can feel it with my fingers over his jaw.
"Ok," I slipped his hood off, revealing his scratched up neck, but I still can't see anything but blackness. He kisses me, snaking his arms around me into a gentle hug. I feel sparks flying everywhere as we kiss. It's electric.
"You make me feel like I'm worth something," I mumble against his minty breath. "...You're worth a l-lot to me, Mia," Justin whispers and kisses me again, placing me against the wall. "I'm glad I met you," Justin moves close enough for our coldness to combine. I comb my fingers through his fluffy caramel locks and feel all my worries float away. For once in my life, I feel like I'm worth more than just a suicidal girl.
(Justin's pov)
-Lunchtime-
Mia and I had made out in the janitor's closet until our lips were numb and our tongues were sore. We talked about our interests and promised we'd always be there for each other.
It's lunchtime now, and I've just noticed that Jake is back, sitting with his friends at the table across from us. Mia seems a bit distressed about Jake being this close to us, so she sits next to me.
"W-Wanna do something after this?" I reach for her hand and hold it comfortingly. "Sure, what is it?" Mia sounds gloomy and bites her lip to prove it. "You'll see," I eat her apple for her, then finish my cereal. Jake gives us a death glare, like he can really do much damage in this hell-hole. He'd be lucky if he could snatch a plastic knife from the kitchen. It's not worth being thrown in the quiet room. I take Mia's hand; then we leave the cafeteria.
"Water colors?" I find the water colors and suggest to her. "That seems cool," Mia nods and gives me the biggest smile she can, but it's not much. "What do you wanna paint?" I hand her a paintbrush, warding off the voices in my head
"Hm, how about...an ocean? Or a beach?" she thinks out loud. "Ok," I stand next to her and stare at the blank sheet of paper, unsure of where to start.
"Let's make it happier. How 'bout a thunderstorm over it?" Mia's mind is just like mine, dark and depressing, except with no voices.
"Perfect," I weakly smile at the thought of thunder and lighting, making the water splash like crazy.
I nod, then paint the dark blue water as Mia paints the black and gray sky. We add different colors that match the scene. We have to let it dry a little, because water colors don't look good mixed together.
"I've always imagined the perfect suicide. Do you want to know what I have in mind?" Mia sounds hopeless and broken.
"Ok," I don't feel comfortable talking about her death. In a bad, guilty, way, I wish I could do it for her. I wish I could end it all for her, so she can be happy. However, it would be a disaster to lose her. I mean, I've lost enough people already.
"I see myself bleeding on the floor, dead and peaceful. I see the bottle of pills I took before I cut my vein. There's a suicide note on my bed. It says "Are you happy now?". I see everyone happy, like losing me is such a big relief," she mumbles as if she loves the idea of killing herself. She does love the idea, and I can't change her.
"If I were you, I wouldn't think so much about it. It'll make you impatient," I hold her hand, which is slightly colder than mine, to give me tolerance for the voices in my head.

(A/N: Sorry it's kinda late. I had to edit this a bit. Also, I'm really super hype about The Weeknd/Justin/Selena situation. I think it's hilarious. Wbu?😂 Next post on Saturday/Sunday)