Mentally Broken

21

Chapter song: I Solemnly Swear by Like Moths to Flames
I hold Mia's hand, which is slightly colder than mine, to give me tolerance for the voices in my head.
"Yeah, I know...We should probably see if our painting is dry yet," Mia stands up and scans the painting we've made.
"It's good enough. Let's continue," she grabs the paintbrush, and so do I. But it's hard to focus; these voices won't leave me alone. It's so distracting.
"Have you ever felt so alone that even your heart feels empty?" Mia asks while she paints the dark sky into the ocean.
"...Many times," I mutter as I unsuccessfully focus on making the color as neat as possible. If I've failed, Mia doesn't care.
"I can't see a time when I wasn't so..." she twitches her lips, thinking of the right words to complete her sentence.
"Broken?" I finish her statement and add a darker blue to the water.
"Yeah, broken. It's like no one can fix you, because you're in too deep," Mia stares at her hands for a moment before finishing the dark clouds.
"Y-Your wrists...Is that an outcome?"
I give up trying to paint, then put my paintbrush in the water cup.
"Yeah, it's kinda personal," she uneasily puts her brush in the cup too.
"Sorry," I didn't mean to bring up something that made her uneasy.
"Don't worry about it," Mia waves it off, then admires our success.
"It's beautiful," she smiles and gazes at the painting.
"W-We did good,"I agree and faintly smile too.
"Thanks for helping me," she pecks my cheek, making my heart feel affection.
"You're welcome," I admire the way she gets insecure about making physical contact with me. I'm used to her. I've tattooed her in my heart.
"We should bring this to our room to dry," Mia suggests, then carries the painting with care. She asks permission to go outside; then we make our way to the room.
"Before we go back...kiss me."
Her cheeks shade with pink while nervousness flutters on her eyelashes. I step close, then match our lips together, like a puzzle piece, except with more meaning. I feel for her jawline and place my fingers along the back of her neck. My tongue isn't involved and neither is hers, but there's a lot of hand motion. My hands are on her jaw and neck with her hands in my hair.
"Let's go...to the closet," I mutter before breaking all contact with her. I don't want to get caught. Who knows what would happen. Mia follows me past the nurse on watch, then into the janitor's closet. I carefully push her back against the wall, darkness taking over our vision. I kiss her, letting all my nervousness out. I want these voices out, even if it's metaphorically. Mia, on the other hand, is obviously too nervous. Her breathing is uneven, and her lips quiver in between the kiss. I put my hands on her hips, but she moves them up to her upper waist.
"What's wrong?" I break the kiss, unable to see her expression. It's probably taken back or scared.
"You don't wanna touch me there."
Her voice has a slight wobble, signaling she's uncomfortable. I know she cut herself there too. Mia breathes with insecurity.
"You're beautiful," I mumble against her cold lips before kissing her. The kiss is nothing like the ones in movies or books. It's not 'magical' with the promise of being together forever. It's more like a drug to fight off the evilness in our heads. It converts our sadness into a poor happiness for at least a second. All it takes is a second to feel that happiness, and I'm glued to her lips, using her breath as oxygen for my lungs.
"I love you, Justin, even though you make me nervous as fuck," Mia doesn't have to admit her nervousness to me. I already know.
"You're fine," I grin, sensing her smile from inches apart.
"Is this something you'll remember when I'm dead?" Mia asks and intertwines our hands.
"Yeah," I breathe against the skin of her jaw, placing small kisses, 2 inches apart. She freezes completely, holding her breath.
"Breathe," I whisper, and she lets out a soft sigh. I continue to kiss her and hold her delicate hand.
"Dinner!" someone shouts, making the kiss break in half.
"We should go," I lead her through the darkness and into the light. People are lining up to get food. Mia and I grab our usual, then sit down. Even though there's nothing to be happy about, I keep a smile on my face, the taste of peppermint still on my lips.
(Mia's pov)
-9pm-
We're supposed to be asleep by now, but there's not a hint of drowsiness in us. Justin and I favor making out on my bed rather than wasting our time trying to get, at most, 30 minutes of sleep.

Kissing Justin isn't a feeling I can get used to. It's something new that I can't stop thinking of. It's the only way to express our feelings without words.
"Mia," Justin suddenly breaks the kiss. "What?" I connect our foreheads together, opening my eyes.
"My mom committed suicide...I wanna know why?" Justin's question makes head spin. Really, any question related to suicide makes me nervous. I guess it's just a sensitive topic. Maybe I'm a little jealous. "Uhm, why do you think?" I weakly move off his body and sit against the wall on my bed.
"I...don't know. My dad wasn't around much...she stayed home a lot," Justin sits criss cross on my bed but seems distracted.
"Was she sad, like, about your dad not around?" I ask, hoping I can help Justin. I doubt I can. I'm never any help to anybody.
"Yeah...she never t-talked about him, and...s-she went to the hospital a few times, but...no one ever told me why," he narrows his eyes to the floor. "Do you remember anything from past experiences?" I sound like a total idiot, like a therapist. I've never talked to one, but I heard therapists aren't effective.
"She...cut herself," Justin mumbles, with no emotion in his expression nor his voice. Deep inside there must be something that hurts him. Maybe it's hidden behind all the troubles in his mind.
"I'm sorry." Ugh, I fuck everything up. It doesn't surprise me.
"I thought...I thought they w-were just cuts. I n-never knew what they meant," Justin stares ahead of him but his eyes are torn apart.
"It's ok, Justin. You were too young to understand," I reach for his hand and gingerly hold it, desperate to fix the moment.
"I know...Can y-you just t-tell me why she did it? Your honest opinion?" His voice cracks, making my throat close in. I want to take away his pain, but I'm already full of it.
"I think she was sad, and she felt lonely, because your dad wasn't there for her much. She probably couldn't stand it, and she didn't see a point in living when she's so alone and feeling worthless. I'm sure your mom loved you...but her heart can only take so much hurt, you know?" I almost cry myself while I express my opinion to Justin. I feel like I'm speaking from my heart too. "...Thanks," Justin nods, still processing my words.
"Are you ok?" I gently rub his shoulder. "Yeah...I just miss her...and my dad." That's when Justin starts cracking and shaking unbearably. I know how it feels to lose a loved one, so I hug him closely and rest my head on his shoulder.

(A/N: I've been so tired lately. I'm just not in the mood for school.😕 I'm so excited for my baby's birthday. He's gonna be 23!!! Omb I'm not gonna overwhelm y'all, so I'll wait till Wednesday, his birthday, to let out my excitement. Next post is on Justin's birthday 🎉)