Mentally Broken

31

Chapter song: Let Love Bleed Red by Sleeping with Sirens
(Mia's pov)
-6am-
Justin's already awake when I wake up. He smiles faintly at me and plants a kiss on my head.
"We should get going." Breakfast should be starting soon. Justin and I both stand up and kiss before we have to keep this all a secret again. I go to the bathroom and freshen up. My stomach keeps fluttering for the same reason, Justin.
After brushing my hair, I walk down the hallway to see Justin talking to the wall. "This is all your fault. You're a disappointment. Go away," he grumbles and stares at the wall. Carefully, I tap his shoulder, making him flinch. He spots me, gives me a crooked grin, then we walk into the cafeteria. Justin murmurs something inaudible to himself while people chatter around the room. I watch as people talk to themselves, laugh, and make noises. Are some as schizo as Justin? Are some as broken as me? Do they attempt murder? Or attempt suicide? Do some have cuts or scars on their wrists? Do some have haunting pasts?
I ask myself a million questions until we hear someone dismiss us for the meeting. I secretly bring Justin back to reality as we walk into the meeting room.
"Sit down. Today is a day about facing the world as it is..." the speaker begins the session. But I don't listen. The world is a mess. It's fucked up and cold. Facing the world is like facing the devil.
How can anyone except such a cruel thing?
"The world is good. You just have to see the good and ignore the negativity..." False. The world is evil. And no matter how hard anybody tries, it's impossible to see the good in anything.
There's too much negativity, too much hatred. How can anyone ignore it?
It's what wakes me up in the middle of the night, my heart pounding fear through my veins.
It's what makes my bones ignite from the pressure to be good enough.
It's what makes me choke on the invisible glass in my throat.
It's what severs my skin to the point of insanity.
Most of all, it's what makes me kick the chair, jump off the building, swallow the pills, pull the trigger, rip the vein.
And just like that, I'm gone.
(Justin's pov)
-11am-
Mia's in a bad mood. Something's bothering her. It's best not to break her thoughts, even though it's honestly the best solution.
"I can't stand myself." I'm giving up on everything, except Mia and death. I'm sick of trying, living. It's a never ending battle.
"You know what my mom always told me when I was going through a lot?" Mia breaks my thoughts with her shattered voice.
"What?" I give her the best of my divided attention.
"It's just a phase. You'll get over it. Just dream a little bigger, sing a little louder, work a little harder, and you'll be fine," Mia sounds heartbroken and upset about this.
"That's all bullshit. What kind of fucking excuse is that? I'll never be fine. They just don't get it," Mia puts her congested head in her hands on the table. I wish I could be more sane, so I can love her the way she wants.
"...C'mon," I lead her to the hallway and into the closet.
"F-Forget...every fucking thing,"
I glue her gently against the wall. The darkness of the room engulfs us into nothing but blackness.
Mia kisses me as I hold her close. I unzip her jacket and let it fall. She does the same to me; then she runs her hands over my arms and up to my shoulders. I raise her shirt off, leaving her in her bra. All I can see is pure black, but even now she seems as perfect as ever. My shirt is now on the floor as I feel the lifelessness of her body. She gives me peacefulness, even though it only lasts for 20 minutes.
I kiss her neck as she buries her hands in my hair. My hands are very cautious on the bones of her body as I feel her cold skin. Mia currently has me in a moment of stillness. The voices buzz on, but I have a moment when I don't have to pay attention to them. Everything stops and gives us our time of beneficial distraction.
I slide off her sweatpants, feeling her bones against my body. They warn me to be extra careful with her. I kiss her temple before taking off her panties. Mia's breathing is heavy and lustful, but she brushes her thumb over my cheek, signaling me to go on.

I place my fingers over her most secret spot. I have to remember. This isn't just a girl. Mia's fragile in every way. She needs extreme gentleness and caution. Any wrong action will result in her destruction. I caress her and kiss her lovingly. She moans delicately as I use two fingers inside her. My fingers are vigilant to touch her just enough to give her pleasure. No harm.
"Justin," Mia breathes out as my fingers please her. I kiss her and wrap an arm around her.
"Mmm, Justin," she moans a little louder before releasing. I make sure she's satisfied before pulling my boxers off.
"I-I don't have a condom," I whisper nervously in her ear.
"It's fine. Don't worry about it," Mia pulls me closer, giving me the signal to continue. I hold leg and sigh in nervousness.
"...D-Don't let me h-hurt you," I tell her before cautiously entering her. Mia moans louder and squeezes my shoulders.
"Y-You ok?" I stroke her cheek, trying to feel for a sign of deception.
"Y-yea. Go," Mia buries her head in my neck and shoulder. And I give her what she wants, pleasure and distraction. Mia moans wildly in my neck as I please her.
"Justin...Thank you," she moans and pants against the skin of my neck
"Mm...I-I love you," I breathe out and hold her close enough to feel safe and protected.
"I love you too," she breathes out and moans a little louder as she releases on me. I release too, but I take myself out of her, even though she said it's fine if I don't.
"I-I think w-we should...try to get out," I whisper against her neck, feeling the voices suddenly become louder. Or maybe I've been too distracted to realize their volume.
"Ok," Mia agrees and hugs me closer.
"Just...Just follow my instructions, o-ok?" I continue on while I find it harder to focus.
"Yea." I feel her nod; then we kiss again before redressing ourselves. We start another make out session to waste time. We let out all our feelings, trading them back and forth with our tongues. It feels so good to push out the pain.
I never could find a successful way to let out my pain. I've tried self harming, fail. I've tried drugs, fail. I've tried Alcohol, fail. I've tried writing, fail. I've tried hitting, punching, fail. In the end, I just decided to keep it all locked up in the shadows of my head. But now I've found something better.
"We should get going. It's lunchtime," Mia interrupts the evil thoughts growing up inside my head.
"Yeah, let's go," I breathe out, feeling a little haunted. I take her hand and lead her into the light, out of our secret wonderland.
People are just entering the cafeteria as we adjust our eyes to the blinding hospital lights. Neither Za, Khalil, or Katie are anywhere in sight, and it makes me wonder where they are.

(A/N: I know I've been really inactive recently. It's finals week, and I'm also busy writing the sequel to Confusion. I'm really hoping to have some of it done before I finish Mentally Broken, because I know you guys are looking forward to it. So yeah...Next post is on Tuesday or Wednesday)