Mentally Broken

30

Chapter song: Madness by Sleeping with Sirens
"Hey guys," Za and Khalil sit with us for lunch. "Hey," Mia and I greet them. I'm still severely tired and a little nauseous from the drugs we received. "You guys ok?" Khalil must notice our lifeless expressions.
"Yeah, we're just so fucking sick of this place. You know they drugged us," Mia grumbles in irritation, and I put my hand on hers to calm her down a little. "Shit, are you serious?" Za raises his eyebrows in concern. Both Mia and I nod. "That's crazy. What's with this place," Khalil mutters angrily.
Za spoke as gloomily as us. Mia shakes her head, not speaking any more.
"How's Katie?" I ask in concern, but like always, it comes out disinterested. "I haven't heard anything from her, but I'll give you updates," Za speaks with a slight anxiety. When lunchtime is over, we say goodbye to Za and Khalil; then we go into the hangout room.
"Let's make something out of clay," Mia suggests, and I agree silently. We set up some different colored clays and find a more isolated place to go.
"What's y-your favorite object?" I ask her. "A heart. Yours?" she responds, then asks me the same. "An apple," I choose an apple, because it reminds me of Mia. "I wonder why," Mia smiles brokenly at me. I smile back before tearing off a piece of gray colored clay. Mia does the same, except with white colored clay. Silence fills our ears as we mold the clay. I put a ridiculous amount of caution in making sure the heart is smooth and big enough. It can be held without anyone knowing it's in someone's hand. "Are you done?" Mia asks with her hands cupped over her clay model. "Yeah, wanna see?" I show her the heart I molded for her. "Aw, that's cool. I love it, Justin..." she takes it and gazes at it, her eyes stirred with curiosity. "Here's yours," she hands me a half-bitten red apple. It's about the size of her bony fist, which is twice as small as mine.

"It...It reminds me of you," I smile at her as she blushes a little. "I'd think you'd be sick of apples by now," Mia puts the clay heart in her pocket. It's soft anymore, more like the hardness of an eraser. "No, I-I love th-them," I brush my hand over hers, and she beams crookedly.
"My head hurts," she leans against the wall, rubbing her fragile temples. Of course it's from the drug; I feel the same headache.
"They...d-don't allow you to take any medicine?" I sit close to her, but far enough to satisfy the nurses' expectations. "I won't bother asking," she speaks in annoyance. "Me neither." Who knows what the nurses will think if she asks for a simple tablet of Advil.
"It'll go away eventually," Mia closes her eyes as her fingers continue circling against her temples.
There's a hurricane in my head. Words are circling rapidly everywhere and plunging in and out of the violent ocean waters of my mind. I just can't get rid of the scene, where I off my girlfriend for severing my heart.
"Blood everywhere. On the floor. On my hands. In my lungs. In my head," I put this phrase on repeat for who-knows-how-long. I tend to mimic the voices, so they don't seem so loud. Suddenly, an icy touch froze my thoughts and brings me back to reality.
"Justin, it's dinner time," Mia's dry lips are the only thing I notice. We both stand up and drag ourselves to the cafeteria. As usual, Mia gets her apple and I get my cereal. It's so silent, but there's not much to say in a mental hospital. A loss of interest somehow takes over before anyone can really communicate.

After a wordless dinner, Mia and I separate to use the bathroom and wash up. I forget a lot, so every once in a while, the nurses will remind me to shave. So I do, and they watch my every move. Why are there so many female nurses? I've only seen a couple males, but never on this floor.

When I arrive at our room, Mia isn't here yet. I sit on the edge and feel the need to get rid of the guilt. I want to block out everything that's happened in my life. I want a beautiful distraction. That's when Mia walks in.
And she has the same idea.
(Mia's pov) - day 13
-9pm-
Justin looks at me with the same need as I have. I step close enough for him to tug me closer to him. He kisses me soft and deep, like he always does. Without flinching, he leads me on my bed and hovers over me. I can't tell if I'm breathing or not, but it's ok.
"Should we go farther?" Justin's eyes have pain that wants out, and voices that don't want to be ignored, but he wants them gone.
"Please," I breathe out in nervousness and desperation. I know Justin will do anything for me, but I'd hate to take advantage of that.
"But are you ok with it?" I don't want to pressure him. That's the last thing I want. Justin nods blankly then starts to pull off his black hoodie, revealing his white wife beater shirt. And holy shit. He has tattoos, all over his arms and some on his collarbone. I thought he only had tattoos on his neck.
"Sorry...I-I didn't tell you," Justin smiles weakly, flinching every so often.
"It's ok. I like them," I grin, catching a glimpse of an owl, a rose, a crown, a diamond, and the word 'Trust.'
"...You d-don't have to take off your jacket," he tells me warmly.
"No, I'll take it off," I unzip my jacket, exposing the half-faded cuts all over my arms and wrists. I feel very insecure, and my eyes search in Justin's for a speck of disgust.
"Y-You're fine," Justin takes off his shirt, and I notice a few more tattoos on his chest. His chest was fairly toned with a visible six pack. He's better than me in every way. But I nervously take off my shirt, showing him the cuts on my sides and waist.
"D-Does it...hurt?" Justin seems concerned, and he glances beside him before looking back at me. I shake my head, feeling severely uneasy.
"...Calm down, Mia...You're beautiful," Justin takes off his sweats, leaving him in his black boxers. I slip off my sweats too, introducing him to the cuts on my thighs.
"I...I love you," Justin kisses me, wrapping me in his tattooed arms. He has a passion for loving me, and I think it's a way of letting all his troubles go. I feel the same way.
I feel his fingers messing with my bra. My heart jumps when I feel it unsnap. I don't feel pretty, special, wanted.
"Justin, I don't think I can do this," I stop him in shame and overwhelming anxiety.
"O-Ok," Justin fastens my bra back on, eyes filled with protection and safety.
"...Wait, no...I wanna do this," I stopped him again and snap off my bra. With patience, his eyes scan me over; then he kisses me again, except this time he caresses my skin. It's gentle and careful, and I like it, except his hands are like ice. I try to calm my breathing and stroke his hair. Justin's lips won't stop kissing me until he lowers to my stomach and kisses my torn up sides. He kissed all the slices I've made on myself, no matter how big or small. I suck in a breath, hoping it doesn't worry Justin.
Instead of testing the waters, he rises back up and kisses my lips again. I kiss back and feel his chest down to his waist. I've never touched a guy before. Especially not a hot guy. He feels amazing, like everything's in perfect shape.
"...You ok?" Justin's hand lowers to the line of my panties. I swear my heart is crawling up my throat.
"Y-Yeah," But I decide to swallow it back down and let Justin gingerly takes off my panties.
"Tell me if this makes you uncomfortable." His cold fingertips touch my most private possession. I hold in a gasp and feel my body screaming. I mean, it doesn't hurt in any way; it's just the nervousness that's making me so uneasy. Justin's fingers start caressing me. I fail to hold in a moan as he breathes slowly against my neck. It just feels so unbelievably good, the motions of his fingers. Who knew Justin could have such magical powers to pleasure such a broken girl like me. It's not awkward. It's special to me.
"Have you done this before?" I ask, because there's no way he can be so into what he's doing without any kind of experience.
"O-Once...with m-my ex," Justin replies as a pleasurable sensation creeps up to my head, sending a hollow breath from my lips. Maybe he's done this before he was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
"Justin," I breathe out as I feel myself reach my peak.
"Y-You ok?" His eyebrows furrow in concern, so I nod to answer his question.
"I...I really don't wanna h-hurt you, Mia...I would never f-forgive m-myself," he starts to worriedly lower off his boxers.
"You won't. I promise," I assure him; then he nods lightly. Before I can take a breath, I feel him press against me. To be honest, it hurts a lot, but not as bad as when Jake did it. Justin's less forceful and more careful. Unfortunately, I can't hold my breath for as long as I thought, and I moan softly.
"A-Are you ok?" Justin's voice is smothered in concern.
"Mhm," I moan softly as I get used to him.
"...I'm g-gonna go, ok?" His eyes scan mine for just a flicker of hesitance, but I nod, as sure as ever. Justin nods again; then he starts to move. Pleasure spreads throughout my entire body. I moan a little bit too loudly.
"Shh," Justin kisses me to cover my noises. We don't want any nurses to walk in. Oh god, that'd be terrible.
"Justin," I moan in his shoulder and breathe against his cold skin. Justin kisses me again.
"Shit," he mumbles against my lips as I try to keep quiet. My stomach knots, signaling another release is on its way.
"Justin," I moan again in his neck as I let it all out. Justin lets out a soft grunt, then sends out a breath. He fastens his boxers back on, and pulls up my panties for me. We were both out of breath as we redress ourselves.
"That was...nice," Justin smiles bigger than I've seen him smile ever. And it makes me smile.
"Yeah," I smile back and hug him close while I rest on the bed. This has been the best night in all of my time here. Now I know that when I die, I'll won't go out alone.

(A/N: Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Finals are coming up and there are so many unexpected projects that have been coming up. I'm trying my hardest to post, especially these last two weeks of school. Next post on Tuesday or Wednesday)