Mentally Broken

22

Chapter song: Can You Feel My Heart by BMTH
We stay here on the bed, comforting each other, for several minutes, trying to keep ourselves together. Justin eventually calms down, then remains quiet. I pull him beside me, so that we lie next to each other. I know it hurts him, the thought of his parents' death, and I want him to know that I'm right here for him. I always will.
-6am-
I get the most out of 4 hours of sleep. Justin is lifeless as he lies beside me. I know his parents' death have sucked most of the life out of him, and the problems with his friends just about ended him. I'm not that animated either. People called me attention seeking, as an insult, and they made fun of my clothes, mocking my outfit the day after. It tore me apart both physically and mentally. I remember slicing my skin like it was just a useless piece of paper. I wonder if Justin knows what it's like to hate every inch of yourself. I don't know, and I won't ask. I remember shedding, what felt like, gallons of blood in the need to feel something, in the need to punish myself. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but I feel like I deserve the worst in life.
Now, I'd kill to draw just a drop of blood. Damn, how I miss the horrible feeling of torn skin and cold blood. It put me in a calmer place every time.
"I'm bad. I'm no good. How would you know if it's real or not?..." Justin's murmurs break my thoughts.
"I'm bad. I'm no good. How wound you—" "Justin, don't say that. Hey," I try to break him out of his thoughts, but he continues to mutter on. I decide to leave him in his mind and return to my own. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. My mom diagnosed me with insomnia when she sent me here. She also diagnosed me with anxiety when she doesn't even know. Everyone can't just assume I have this or I have that. Nobody tries to actually help me. They just send me to a stupid mental hospital and make me take pills all day.  They get me wired, and I have no idea what the hell is going on most of the time. I can't stand up without almost fainting.
I'm soo not going back home when I get out of here. I'd rather be homeless than go back to my worthless life. But I mostly prefer to be in a grave.
"Breakfast!" someone shouts in the hallway. Justin and I snap out of our thoughts, then step out in the hallway. I take an ice-cold shower, then brush my teeth. I don't see Katie at all. She's usually here to greet me, but not today. Za and Khalil are with Justin when I walk out.
"Hey Mia, what's going on, baby?" Za gave me a friendly nod; then my cheeks burn from blushing. Baby?
"Nothing," I glance at Justin to see a small grin across his face.
"Do you happen to know what day it is? I lost track," Za and Khalil join us for breakfast.
"No," I shake my head, wondering about the question myself.
"Well, it's not like it matters anyway," Khalil shrugs and takes a bite from his lucky charms cereal. Justin takes a quick bite from my apple, then sets it back in front of me. A nurse walks over to our table, examining our food before handing us our pills. After we take our medicines, she leaves. I glance behind me to see Jake already staring eerily at me. His smirk gives me chills and makes me anxious.
"He's a shithead, am I right?" Za's looking at me when I turn back around. I nod silently and wonder how Za knows that.
"Yeah, he's a drug addict and bipolar. You can feel sorry for him, but he's always up to no good. I heard you guys don't get along with him," Khalil states knowingly. Great, there are rumors here too. Just like school.
"How can we when he's constantly picking on us?" I speak as Justin  throws his trash away and stands up.
"You can't," Za, Khalil, and I throw our trash away too, then walk out of the cafeteria.
"I'll leave you guys alone. I'm going to catch up with them," Za and Khalil motion to a group of 2 guys in the corner. Justin nods, then looks at me. I know what he's thinking, and I'm thinking the same thing. We sneak out the door and into the closet. Justin's lips make me feel warm and fuzzy all over, even though his body temperature feels like 0 degrees. I kiss back and pull him close. The kiss grows more intense with our tongues dancing inside each other's mouths. Suddenly, I feel my jacket zipper come undone.
"Don't worry...Can't see anything,"
Justin whispers in the dark, reminding me that I can't see shit either. I let him slip off my shirt, and I blush like crazy. Luckily, he can't see, so I won't get too insecure. Unfortunately, he can feel, so I hope he doesn't judge me with his hands. I should've warned him about my bones and scars and cuts.
"...Beautiful," Justin kisses my jaw, his hands at my waist. If he was to lower them a bit more, he'd feel the cuts on my hips.
"You can't even see me," I whisper back, pulling his hoodie off.
"I can tell," he lowers down to my neck, sucking my skin like it's addicting. I smile warmly, taking his final layer of clothing off. His skin is soft, and his muscles are impressively big. He hasn't been here long enough to lose it all. His stomach is toned too.
"Do you work out?" The question slips out of my mind. Shit. "I used to," he answers, feeling my bare back and waist.
"You won't judge me, right?" I ask against his lips. "...I have no reason to," he kisses me again and holds me closer to his cold body.
"What if someone walks in?" I can't seem to stop overthinking. I'm always paranoid and anxious as hell. "They haven't before. Don't worry about that," Justin caresses my cheek with his cold fingers. I nod, and we kiss into a full make out session.
-Lunchtime-
(Justin's pov)
Mia and I go to lunch after a few longs minutes of kissing in the dark. Za nor Khalil join us and neither does Mia's friend, Katie. We have the whole lunchtime to ourselves.
"He's staring at us, Justin," Mia holds my arm close to her. I know she's talking about Jake.
"Mia, don't worry about him."
I stroke her hair away from her eyes. She keeps her hair like that often. "Sorry," she looks shameful and despondent. "Don't worry about it. Don't feel paranoid," I place her hand in mine. She gives me a warm smile, then leads me out of the cafeteria.
"Let's do something," she pulls me inside the hall.
"What?" I ask with mind overwhelmed by the voices.
"I heard they have a library, do they?" Mia asks in the middle of the hall.
"Yeah...Want me to show you?" I ask as an offer.
"Yes, please," she seems excited. I barely remember how much she said she likes to read. It's difficult to remember little stuff like that. The voices make it impossible to think.
"Follow me," I motion, feeling agitated by these never ending voices.

(A/N: It's been such a long week so far, and I haven't really got a chance to post until now. The week's almost over so I can post quicker. Next post = Friday/Saturday)