Mentally Broken

14

(By the way all the videos that comes with the chapters work)
Chapter song: Clear Blue Sky by Skylar Grey
-Tuesday, 12pm-
I've spent who-knows-how-long crying on the floor. I'm just breathing unevenly now.
"Here's your lunch," the same nurse I mocked earlier sets a tray of orange jello, goldfish, water, and a cold turkey sandwich on the table. I only glare at her, then wait until she leaves to angrily throw the tray on the floor, scattering all the items.
"Wow, thanks. Lunch was delicious," I mutter sarcastically, knowing no one can hear. As I sit on my bed, I tug my hair in frustration, then scream in my good-for-nothing pillow. I don't want to be here! I'm tired! I'm miserable! I'm hurt! I'm fucking crying my eyes out and nobody cares! I don't want to feel worthless anymore! I'm not fucking dirt! I have feelings! I'm tired of everyone saying "you'll get over it." or "it's no big deal." You know what?! I won't get over it! It is a big deal! If they were me, they'd do the same fucking thing! I'm so fucking done! I don't wanna feel another fucking thing!

I punch my bed and clench my fists until my skin turns white. It feels as if this breakdown will last forever. Finally, I calm down and continue to cry on my bed. I don't know how long I'm going be in here, but I'm starting not to care. I close my eyes and let my demons take me alive.
-Tuesday, 4pm-
I must've been tired. That's the most sleep I've gotten since I fell asleep on Justin the other night. I hope Justin's ok. He's probably worried about me...or not. Matter of fact, he's probably having a party in our room. Justin must be thanking the lord that I'm gone. I'm a fucking nobody.

All I do is get in the way whenever I'm not invisible. People use me then throw me in the garbage. They always pick me last. I'm the person that everybody wants to avoid. I'm a fucking failure. That's how it's always been living in my skin, and I eventually got used to it. I mean, I did this to myself. I isolated myself from everything and ended up being treated like shit.
If you were to ask me if I was ok, my answer would be a downright NO. I'm soo not ok. I haven't been ok since my dad died. As long as my heart is still beating, I'll never be ok. My life has been a complete mess, a pit of darkness. I'll give my life in a heartbeat. No fucking problem. So I beg...please kill me. Take me out of my misery and do something good for once. Take a knife and cut my veins out. Tie a rope to the ceiling and give me a good shove, so that I suffocate nicely. Give me a bottle of pills and pour it down my throat until I pass the fuck out. Better yet, throw my worthless body off a 20 foot building and watch me fall into hell. If you do me that favor, I promise I will not haunt you at night while you're dreaming of happiness.

"Mia, you clean this mess up!" a nurse walks in, the same nurse I mocked earlier. I roll my eyes and turn away from her.
"Listen to me, clean this up, or your time in here will be extended!" she yanks me up and orders strictly.
"Yes ma'am," I rolled my eyes sarcastically. The nurse then leaves room as I scoop up the thrown food and toss it in the trash.
"Here. You better eat this time," the nurse returns with a tray of applesauce, wafer cookies, water, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I am not eating this crap. I'm already fat enough.

I roll my eyes and sit down. The nurse remains standing beside me.
"Eat," she orders, her eyes fully aware that I have an ED. I grab the  cup of applesauce and dip the plastic spoon in. I scoop up a small portion of the applesauce and hold it to my mouth. Reluctantly I put the spoon in my mouth but don't taste it.
"Go on," she must feel like she has control over me. There isn't much I could do unless I want this to last forever.
"I don't want to," I take the spoon out of my mouth, feeling like I'm already putting weight on.
"Eat it," she snaps harshly with cold eyes.
"No," I snap back with a glare. I'm so sick of these rules. I will not get fat over this. I will not eat.
"Alright, but I'm not going anywhere until you do," she crosses her arms and silently watches me. I sigh frustratedly and grab the spoon with applesauce again. I eat it, and swallow it.
"There," I drop the spoon on the tray in irritation.
"You have to eat all of it," she has a gleam in her eye. It makes me want to smack that look off her fucking face. Dammit!
"No, you can't make me," I push the tray away, refusing to be her entertainment any longer.
"I can put a tube in and feed you through it. Do you want that?" she threatens in strictness and authority. I narrow my eyes and shake my head. If she wants to see me defeated, here I am. I break into a soft cry.
"Eat it," she puts the cup of applesauce in front of me and orders.
I have no choice but to eat it hesitantly, wanting to throw every drop up. The seconds turn to hours before I finally finish eating it. I sit here in tears while the nurse takes the rest of my food away and victoriously leave the room.

I hate this! Why do they torture me like this! I'm so fucking done! Nobody understands how bad I feel! I feel disgusting and gross for eating. I feel like I've gained 10 pounds.
"I can't live with myself," I whisper, then crawl to the trashcan. It's pretty stupid that there's a trashcan in here. They don't know what I'm capable of. I jab my fingers to the back of my throat and trigger my stomach to throw up all the applesauce. I get it all out in 2 tries; then I sit on the cold floor and cry, with my breaths uneven and my knuckles throbbing. Why am I here? All I did was point a gun to my head. It's not like I actually did it, but I wish I did. I fall on my bed and shut my eyes. The tears are unstoppable as I lie in the dim light. The moonlight shines in through the caged window, and all I can do is long to be out.
"Maybe one day I'll get out of here...with Justin," I won't leave Justin for shit. He's all I got, hopefully. We'll make it out together, even if we end up dead at the end.
-Wednesday, 7am-
I shiver from the coldness of the empty room. That's what's been keeping me up for 1 1/2 hours already. It's pretty difficult to sleep when it feels like a damn freezer in here. All I've got is a paper thin blanket to keep me warm. My bloodstained jacket keeps me warmer than this, but the nurses replaced it with an even thinner one.
"Let's go," the same nurse opens the door. I stand up, shivering, then walk out the door. She got her payback for me trash taking her, and there's nothing for me to say. I can't win anything in here.
"I hope you learned your lesson. Now, you can go back to your normal routine," the nurse has a slight smirk on her face. I'm so close to hitting her, but I'm too tired of fighting back. It's just not worth it anymore.
Once I'm led into the cafeteria, I run to sit beside Justin, who's got his head on the table.
"Mia, are you ok?" Justin's sad eyes are wider than I've ever seen them. I shake my head and burst into tears. "C'mon, let's go outside," he sneaks me out the door and into the hallway. The front desk isn't in sight, and no nurses are spotted.
"Mia, what the fuck happened yesterday?" Justin grabs my hands and holds them tight enoughu to cut my circulation.
"I don't know. I couldn't take it anymore. I just needed it. I couldn't control myself," I hug him in tears and cry in his hoodie, hoping he won't feel too violated.
"Damn, you had me worried about you," Justin hugs back. I'm shivering and whimpering in his tensed arms, my whole body tired and sore.
"I'm sorry," I cry, feeling his body warm me up inside, even though it's colder than mine.
"It's ok. It'll be ok, Mia," Justin holds me closer. I nod and calm down. I don't believe a word he says, but by the way he holds me, I might consider it. I hesitantly break away from the hug and dry my face. I don't want to push my limits with Justin.

(A/N: Sorry for the holdup. My wifi basically died for the past two days. Omb it was horrible! I couldn't do anything!😱😩 But now it's back and I can post☺ Next post = Monday)