I Found You

Chapter 45

She pointed to a room. I went and open the door when I did my heart stopped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

"OH MY FUCK JOCE!!!! AYE JOCE GET UP!! JOCE!!" I ran over to her and shook her. She wasnt responding and she felt cold. Her skin was turning blue.

"DONT FUCKING DO THIS!!" I said as tears streamed down my face. I cried while holding her. I pulled out my phone and called her mother. I told her mom what was going on and called the ambulance. When they came I pulled myself together and told them what I knew.

When they checked her body one of them said they felt a pulse. They quickly put her on a gurney. I hoped in the ambulance with her while Stokeley put Jahseh and Alexus into his car and followed us to the hospital.

I hope she pulls through. How the hell did this happen? My thoughts where interrupted when we arrived. They rushed her to a room I tried to follow her but they blocked my way. I tried to fight through but it wasn't working.

I met Stokeley and them in the waiting room.

"Jah what happened?" I asked him he just stared in space. I walked and stood in front of him to grab his attention. He looked up at me.

"Before I got home I called her and we talked about her leaving to go back home in Ohio. When I got home she was just laying there I tried to wake her up but it wasnt working. I saw she had took half of my pills and freaked out."

When he said that I put my hands on my head and started pacing back and forth.

"I called you but you didnt pick up so I called Ski and told him. After he said he was on his way I was freaking out so I took the pills that where left over and tried to flush them. I got scared you know my record with the police."

I covered my face as I stop pacing and huffed. I just cant believe that she would do this. I thought she would talk to me if things got to this point. We talked about this and she told me she would tell me if she ever got to the point where she would want to end it.

"When Ski got there I showed him and Alexus and she freaked out. He called you while trying to calm me and her down. Then you showed up." He finished and I sat down next to Stokeley and put my elbows on my knees. I covered my face feeling myself about to cry again.

"Fuck" was all I was able to say. Jocelyn is a close friend of ours. She was the first friend we made when we moved down here. Her and Jahseh graduated from the same school. They connected with the how they both dealt with the same mental problems. I know this is hurting him pretty bad.

Jocelyn's mom told me that she was on the first flight here. As we waited I became more and more worried. She has to pull through she just has to.

A doctor came out and called out her name Jahseh ran to them I slowly got up scared as to what night be said. The doctor started talking and I blacked out as everything moved in slow motion. I saw Jahseh fall, Stokeley caught him before he hit the ground.

I looked around feeling a weirdness in my stomach. I ran to the nearest trash can and threw up. All that I could think is 'how am I going to tell her mother?'.

I started to feel angry. How could she be so selfish and do something like this? How could she leave us like this? What about her parents she probably didnt think about how this would effect her mother or our parents.

"Can I see her." I said a little above a whisper. The doctor nodded.

I followed them to her room. Jahseh ran to her bed and broke down. I couldn't move any further than the doorway. I stood there looking at her lifeless body. Tears came down but I couldn't move to wipe them.

Some nurses came to get her body. They had to hold Jahseh down so they could roll her out of the room. I moved out of the way and watched her body be rolled away. It hurts to know this will be the last time I could ever see her.

We went to my house and Jahseh ran upstairs. Stokeley said that him and Alexus was going to stay over. I didn't pay them much attention as I made my way down to the basement studio.

I sat there staring inside the booth for what felt like hours visions of her in the studio with me and Jahseh played in my head. Me and Jahseh would be playing around or arguing and she would just be there laughing as we acted a fool. Then she would leave to go to a modeling gig.

I cried until I felt a hand on my back. I looked up and saw it was Stokeley. I got up and hugged him tight. He isnt to mushy type but he gives the best hugs. We stood there for a few.

"Aye sis I got you just go in there and let it go." He told me as he pulled away. He looked me in the eyes and give me a reassuring look. I nodded and told him which beat to use.

I got in the booth and sat down on the stool. It feels weird to be here. Making music feels so different now. I closed my eyes as I put on my headphones. I sat there listening to the beat trying to think of words but nothing was coming to mind.

As the beat started again I heard I voice say "Just listen to me." When I opened my mouth words started to come out that I had no control over.

Go ahead and call me a coward and say I'm not strong
Because I'm not like you
Go ahead and call me crazy cause I live in a maze
Tell me how about you?
I think I live in my head, sometimes I think that I'm dead I hide behind my youth
No, I been losing my mind and I'm a little behind Step inside my shoes
Cause I've never been happy with myself
And I don't need no one feeling bad for me
Trying to offer me pity and throw jabs at me
Wanna give me advice and then laugh at me behind closed doors
Just close the door, let me be by myself
Just me and myself
I'm tired of living, I cry, I hear it's easy to die
I wanna see for myself
And I know that sounds crazy to everyone else
But I'm depressed as fuck
Stressed as fuck
Ain't no medicine that could cure what's the test as drugs
I mean, I need extra love
And that ain't even enough
'Said that ain't even enough
And where the fuck is God?
Damn, maybe I ain't believing enough
But today we gonna see if he's real
And if he is, I guess I'm probably going to hell
Look, I ain't wanna die like this
I ain't picture my life like this
They don't know what it's like like this
Pretending I'm happy so I can smile like this
And laugh like you
Sometimes I wonder if I ever act like you
Could I finally fit in and maybe relax like woo
Or would you feel lost without me?
Cause honestly, I think the world is better off without me
And my mind's spinning, this is the line finish
Truth is, I don't care how they feel about my feelings
I made up my mind, I'm going out like Robin Williams
I guess I'm not the Ordinary People of John Legend
And I've been suicidal since the day I was nine, shit
Okay, the day I was nine
I've been tired of being bullied, couldn't stay out the fire
Grandma told me I should take it one day at a time
And damn it, look at me now, fuck
Fuck, pens runnin' out
Shit, fu-, ugh
Look, just know it's a new day
But if you reading this
Then it's probably too late, blaow!