The Story Of Us

A Funeral

A/N
It's kind of triggering at the start. Just a warning.

Have you ever been so sad that you felt useless? Worthless? So empty that you literally felt like your body was just skin and bones, nothing else. Because I have.

Have you ever thought about killing yourself? Just ending your life there and then. Because you can. It's all in your hands. Because I have. Only recently though. I had never thought of it before. But now I'd catch myself staring in the mirror above the bathroom sink, holding a razor blade to my wrist, ready to end it all. But then my eyes would catch the objects to my right. The bottles of pills. They were all still there. Not touched or moved.

I knew that by now Alex was keeping a watchful eye on me. I hadn't talked to anyone since he died. Not spoken a word. Apart from in my nightmares. My nightmares that haunted me every where I went. Taunted me even when my eyes were open and I was awake. I was living an eternal nightmare. One that I could not escape.

Alex always seemed to be around. To make sure I ate and drank. He was there when I woke in the middle of the night, screaming and crying. The funeral was coming up soon too.

I began to get frustrated at the black tie that just didn't seem to want to tie right. I could hear someone stood in the doorway and my eyes flicked up. There stood Kirstie. She was wearing a black dress that ended just before her knees. Her hair hang loosely by her shoulders. It was now purple. She had coloured it soon after he died. I knew that if he had seen it he would have loved it.

I turned to face her as she walked forward. She smiled up at me and reached for the tie hanging around my neck. She tied it expertly and looked back up at me again. "All better. Are you ready?" She asked, letting go of the tie and letting it fall to my chest.

I nodded in response but didn't move. I didn't meet Kirstie's eyes as she tried to get my attention. I felt her hand fit into mine for reassurance as she began to walk. I felt my feet move for me. My brain seemed to be in a different place.

"Have you prepared your eulogy?" Kirstie asked as we drove along the freeway to the church. I nodded in response yet again. "You know you haven't spoken to me since Mitch died. You're going to have to open your mouth before we get in there." She said. I stared blankly ahead. Kirstie pulled in to the parking lot and I went to open the door but she locked it. I turned to face her and she gave me a questioning look.

"Look, I know you loved him more than anything and that this has killed you but you have to move on." She said to me. I looked down at my hands and then back up at her, finally meeting her eyes.

"Love." I corrected her. My voice came out in barely a whisper.

"What?" She asked.

"I said, love. I still love him. Now I've talked. Please let me out of this car." I stated. She gave me a worried glance but unlocked the door. I got out of the car and began to walk towards the church. After a few steps I stopped and waited for her to catch up.

When she appeared beside me I turned to face her. "I'm sorry, that was rude." I whispered. She placed her hand in mine again.

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have been so blunt. I know this is hard for you." She said. I nodded and began to walk forward.

Once we got inside I was so surprised to see the amount of people there. There was rows and rows of people. In the front row sat his mom and dad and sister. Next to them was my mom and dad and sisters. Behind all of them were relatives. Some I recognised. Some I had never seen before. Further back was Avi and Kevin, who sat with their girlfriends. I saw people like Tori, Chris, Naomi, Ryan, Jake, Hayden, Alex, Claudia, Tyler, Esther, Mario, Korey, Ricky, Hannah, Mamrie, Grace, Connor, Lindsey, Colleen, Todrick, Kris and so many more.