The Story Of Us

He Was Here

A/N again this is pretty triggering.

Everyday seemed to get harder without him. The nightmares got louder and stronger, slowly pulling me deeper and deeper into the darkness. I noticed how everything seemed to have lost its colour. The sun wasn't as bright. The flowers were all grey.

I seemed to be slowly slipping away from everyone around me. I spent hours locked away in my bedroom, only coming out when Alex called me for food or when Kirstie came around to talk. I refused to open my mouth though. There was nothing to say anymore. Nothing was important. Nothing important enough to talk about.

The hours that I didn't spend in my bedroom or eating I was out running. It let my mind wander as my feet eat the tarmac and the crunch of gravel sounded under my feet. I would run miles. Ending up in the same spot every time. The park, under the oak tree. Sat on the grass and closing my eyes. Breathing in and out. Letting emotions wash over me like waves but choosing not to surf them. I just let them become bottled up inside of me.

I lay awake at night, scared to close my eyes. That's where the demons hid. One night when I was lying there I saw a light. A light coming from the bottom of the closet. I could feel my feet automatically bring me forward towards the closet. When I opened the doors he was sat on the floor, his head in his hands. I could feel my hand move out to touch him to help him but as soon as my hand came in contact with his body he disappeared like smoke in the wind. Instead he was replaced with a sweater lying on the floor. I bent down to pick it up. The fabric was soft against my fingers. I sunk down against down the wall and held the fabric in my hands. I took a deep breath and caught the smell of him. The coffee, the peppermint, the vanilla. The smell overtook me like drugs. Visions of us a children running around my house and visions of him singing on a stage flashed across my eyes. Visions that weren't real but seemed more real than anything. I buried my face in the fabric and let it take over me.

I was awoken the next morning by Alex. He was shaking me vigorously trying to snap me out of the nightmare that was overtaking my body. "Scott, wake up." He said calmly. My eyes snapped open wide and he was sat in front of me, his hands on my knees. I still had the sweater gripped tightly in my hands. Alex gave me a worried look as a tear came to my eye.

"He was here, Alex. He was in the closet. I swear he was." I said frantically opening the doors of the closet and looking in but there was nothing there. It was just as normal.

"Scott, he wasn't. That was your imagination." Alex said calmly shaking his head. I looked at him. A wave of emotion washed over me again but I didn't let it surface. It wasn't going to surface.

I got up and walked to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I pressed my back against the door and let out a whimper. He was there. It was him. I had had enough of it. I flung open the cabinet under the sink and searched for the razor in the basket. I rummaged through the basket until my fingers came in contact with a sharp object. I took it into my hands and stepped back, falling to the floor. I spun the razor between my fingers and looked around. I held the razor against my wrist and cut once not deep though. I cut again and again. The pain was nearly too much but once you start you can't stop. You have to keep going. I felt one of my tears fall onto my arm, mixing with the blood that began to spill out.

I could hear Alex faintly calling me from the other side of the door. "Scott, I know what you're thinking of doing. Please don't do it. For me. Please." He begged. I could hear the tears in his voice. Then the sound of Mitch's voice began to fill my ears. He was singing Graveyard with all his might. I dropped the razor onto the floor, hearing the clang of metal against tile.

Suddenly the door burst open almost coming off of its hinges. Alex's eyes searched the room for me and found me on the ground behind the door. Behind him stood Avi, Kevin, Kirstie and Esther. All their faces fell as they saw me on the floor. Alex dropped to his knees and began to check the cuts on my wrists. "Go get bandages and disinfectant." He ordered, his voice was loud and booming. Avi ran off to get them.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I muttered letting the tears fall down my face. Alex looked at me and began to wipe the tears from my face.

"Hey, it's alright. You're going to be fine." He told me. I could see myself telling Mitch that. Telling him that he was going to be fine when really it wasn't going to be.

"Kirstie, will you go get a sweater from the closet?" He asked Kirstie when Avi had returned. He began to wipe away the blood with the disinfectant wipes. That stung like hell but I liked it. It dulled the ache in my heart. He wiped them until the blood stopped coming then he grabbed the bandages and began to wrap my arms up. He was so gentle. Why was he doing this for me? I didn't deserve to be looked after. I had just tried to end my life for Christ sake.

Kirstie returned with a sweater in her hands. Alex took it from her hands and carefully lifted each of my arms up and pulled it over my head. My mind flashed back to when I did this for Mitch, helped him with his shirt. Pulling it over his head because it kept getting caught in pipes.

I couldn't remember the last time I had worn this sweater because Mitch had adopted, worn it in bed and when we were watching movies. He loved it. It hung off of his body though. He wore it so much that now it smelt like him. It was like a tease for me. Like he was stood behind a transparent wall that was too tall for me to climb and too thick for me to break but I could see him.

I felt Kirstie sit down on the ground next to me. She wrapped her hand in mine and rested her head on my shoulder. "When will it start to go away? The pain." I asked. She moved her head up and looked at me.

"That's for you to decide." She whispered.

A/N
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