I See Fire

1 | A ma famille

•Zayda

Today was the day.

The day I left for good and the better . I was genuinely convinced that this was what the Abdulrahman family really needed.

Was I making a mistake? I probably was. But who was I kidding? They didn't care and they were never going to.

My family had neglected me for over a year now. Actually my whole life, but I forced myself to listen to their excuses till I grew up—clamining their jobs were the reason for their unavailability—for real—who does that?

We used to be a closely knit family, I don't know how or where we went wrong.

It was always—Zayda why did you do this? Zayda who asked you to do that? Most of you call me ugly. I can't even see how. I knew I was no monster so what was with the disgusting looks I received recurrently?

You're so stupid—I hear that all the time; they gave me a reason to think my cognitive dissonance was as useless as that of a baby—when it was a product of their reluctance to duly praise and correct me for my actions.

I'm only human, not a god or supernatural being of any kind.

It took me two months and fifteen days to write them a letter spewing my heart out to them and today—I decided—was the time to leave it for them as I'm about to disappear from their seemingly perfect lives.

I woke up as early as four in the morning to take a shower and clean up my room so that I could pack all the things I wanted to keep.

My alarm clock chimed soon; alerting me of the time for Fajr salat (morning prayer). After praying I took a bath and took off the bed sheets and threw it into the laundry basket.

My array of penguin, harlequin and other novels including my Harry Potter collection and Pretty Little Liars series remained untouched on my vanity and half the perfumes I purchased this month—I would leave them—Amira would surely love them.

My single pictures and the ones with my family layed there too—the way I always leave them on my bedside table. I didn't want to take any pictures and be forced to abort my mission because I missed them.

I cried for the umpteenth time before putting on some make up for the last time. I switched off the lights and dragged my large box out of my room and stood in the middle of the corridor upstairs with my heels in my hand and the envelope containing all that would either destroy my family—their family now—or force them to stay together.

I dropped the heels on the floor beside my bag and tiptoed straight to my parents room and attached it to their door with tape.

Slowly, I creeped downstairs with my heart in shambles as I slipped out of the house, for ever.

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Abuja, Nigeria.

28/04/21

12:45am

By the time you're reading this I'll be on a flight to some unknown heaven on Earth.

Don't bother looking for me because you can't find me.

I've changed my identity. I'll go by a different name as a woman from a totally different country to remain in my self created abyss.

Your dear Zayda is and will always be a ghost—you all made me that—by the way.

No need to even blame anyone for my misfortune or wish fortune. I just wished for one thing—your love—which none of you showed except my lovely Mama, Baba, Amira and Farouk.

If you could all remember I was never one for letters or beating around bushes. All I'm saying is I prefer to face everything head on.

Abba, Mama, lovely siblings, this is just me saying goodbye for good. I've been planning this whole elopement for about four months now.

I still don't know if what I felt for you all would've been reciprocated if I just stayed and spoke to you all—but—this felt like a better escape.

Maybe if I wasn't such a burden on you all I wouldn't have felt so desolate. Contrary to my beliefs, somewhere deep down, I feel like if it was possible to dig up what was hidden in people's hearts—maybe—just maybe—I would've been able to find a pint of love for myself.

I'm sorry family. Well, not really. To Amira maybe. I still think I'm doing you guys a favour.

*LOUD SIGH* I still think—again—that deep down in your tainted hearts happiness will return since I'm out of all your hairs. No more Zayda to get under your skin, THATS GOOD RIGHT?!

I want you all to know that I cared and I still do but to do what I want to do I have to be far away—atleast—a thousand miles. Haha get the joke? It's the name of a song.

I guess it isn't that funny since I've left you all in the dark.

This isn't some psychological thriller where there's a stalker to further scare you or weird occurrences that are actually inconceivable alter your life's chain of work to destroy you.

None of that! But there'll be letters. Notes for some and a random gift for one.

Their locations, I will not tell but I'll hope whatever it's contents are will help you greatly.

Everyone gets something. If I don't do that, what kind of daughter, sister, niece and wife-to-be will I be?

Accept them as my parting gifts and pray to find them before whatever life changing event arrives because it'll either affect you in a horrible way or for the better.

Allah is with us. I'm about to commit a very despicable sin so I'm not sure I'll have his forgiveness after this. But YOU ALL have the power to help yourselves.

We were one. You can now be one without me. Don't forget that. Look out for each other and avoid some places; Ya Nadine especially.

Now that I can't be chastised by anyone for my choices, I'll spill my incriminating secret.

Remember? When we went to Rishikesh. And met Dr. Chakrandhar.

For this, Abba and Mama, I'm sorry. I apologise on behalf of all my siblings. After you went out with uncle Adeel, Aunty Airah and Aunty Arfa to see uncle Anwar we went back to see the psychic in the hotel's lobby despite your strong warnings.

Yusuf and the rest were frightened by the man's weird behaviour so they left back to their rooms without completing the session.

I stayed and the man told me some very disturbing things about all of you. Things I would kill someone for saying about you all. But—I guess now—things aren't what they seem to be.

I thought he was a knock off till he told me what I'm about to do a week from now. Forgive me everyone.

Please forget me. FOR GOOD.

I'm still crying and I have a headache. Let me wipe off the evidence of my unending pain so I'll have the strength to carry on with the letter.

There's not much to say again. Just remember another thing for my sake; forgive my forgetful self.

Just remember that what you seek is right where you would keep it.
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I stared at the nothingness outside my window with tears in my eyes as the airplane levitated; a doleful reminder that I could never return even if I wanted to.