I See Fire

33 | Day 4

Jordan, Jerash.

24/01/22

20:00pm

A slow, eerie noise serenaded the bathroom walls disfigured by the brown-ish orange tiles that were made to look like they were cracked.

If it were in another place—on another floor—not both wall and floor—it might've had a chance to be beautiful but here, in my hotel en-suite was an abandoned war zone renovated by touts.

I was angry. Lotfi was at peace with everything. All of his existence. While I struggled with a burden I take half the blame for and award the rest to my unbothered family.

Not that I didn't want anyone to be happy. I just didn't want the world to have a chance at exaltation without my being one to also enjoy this privilege desperately sought out by man— this novelty we as humans cherish—because we're only truly happy alone still knowing you have family.

A man without his ally is as good as dead. Just as one broomstick could break to bits and a full broom persevered under a mighty hand full of veins ready to snap its neck at short notice of plague with its brothers.

I was without my father, my mother and two sisters to my only three brothers. The love I so craved only made me more depressed but I was certain they would be punished for my abandonment so I continue till I can stand no more.

The tap roared as it's water filled the sink and disappeared down the tiny holes leading to the drains. My hands squeeze the sides of the sink and my lips quiver despite the heat emanating from the showers cubicle.

I look up to the mirror, foggy from my recent hot shower. My reflection looks incomplete as I swipe five fingers to clean the top left side of it. I almost forget the sink is open but the sound is unmissable. It isn't loud—almost like a hiss—the hiss from a thousand snakes.

Instinctively, my right hand stretches to turn it off when a drop of blood flies down to the swooshing pool but it doesn't meet it. The white ceramic bowl is left empty with specs of more blood dotting it's clean middle.

My hand darts to my nose and I feel a small pool growing under my nose. What the hell is going on? I'm forced to turn the sink bank on. My hands are shaking and I don't know what to do when my legs join in the polluting rhythm that sent me crashing to the floor.

I'm lucky the floor actually breaks my aggressive landing because I'd be needing crutches and a wheelchair if I'd fallen on my knees. I hold the sink to rise up from the floor but my limbs are too weak to allow that so I let my bottoms touch the wet floor with a splat.

I bend my head and drag the edge of my towel with my left hand on the right edge to clean the blood. I close my eyes when I see the amount on my towel and a weird feeling spasms it's way from my feet up to my head.

Like sparks, I feel little zithers going off in my body. I'm a walking death bug. My nose refuses to stop bleeding and my head is overtaken by an unknown swoop. It's like someone held my head from behind toying with it to go round and round till I'm almost about to pass out.

My stomach is in knots and for a second I think my life might just flash before my eyes. The buzz of my phone caused a vibration on the covered toilet seat then I try to crawl there and call the one person who believed what was just a feeling.