November 23rd 2015
After placing fourth again at the Rostelecom Cup, I somehow still qualified for the Grand Prix final in Barcelona. That wasn't good enough. Fourth is just a step from the podium. Being fourth is just the worst.
I barely even left my room during the competition trying to avoid anyone and everyone I knew. Javier was there. So was my brother. I tried celebrating Zhenya's win but I was a mess. Yulia and I stayed in our hotel room watching TV. We didn't talk.
He was there too. He won.
I saw him in a hallway.
We didn't speak.
~
December 12th 2015
I couldn't deal with the pressure at the Grand Prix Final. I froze after falling on my first jump, my mind just went blank and I made every mistake you could possibly make.
I had a panic attack in the changing room after my free skate.
He found me sitting on the floor clutching my chest as I struggled to breath.
He held me until I calmed down.
We didn't speak.
~
March 30th 2016
I sat quietly staring out at the sky, the clouds moving constantly, flowing as sheets hundreds of feet apart, yet giving the appearance of one layer below. I try to focus on the song I'm listening to instead of letting my thoughts wonder.
Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn, I meet the power
A few days ago I competed at the 2016 world championships held in Boston. I did not do well enough to advance to the free skate.
This time, this time
Turning white and senses dying
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another
I slowly close my eyes, desperately wanting to escape from the disappointed or pitiful looks my brother was shooting my way.
From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
I hate sleeping in planes.
From samaritan to sin
And it's waiting on the air
I drift to sleep anyway.
~
October 11th 2016
I fell on my triple toe again, I grunt in frustration, slapping the ice. I get up and fall again. This time I don't get up. Instead I sit on the ice, feeling my motivation and confidence slip away.
I throw my bag on the floor as soon as I get home and decide to spend the night wallowing, stuffing myself full of junk food and binge watching grey's anatomy. However those plans were interrupted when at nine o'clock I hear my doorbell ring. I roll my eyes as I get up, assuming it's Nick trying to annoy me again.
"Nick how many times do I have to tell you tha-" I pause when I see Roman in front of me, as I swing the door open.
"Get dressed, we're going somewhere!" he says mischievously.
YOU ARE READING
Gold, love and mint tea (Yuzuru Hanyu )
FanficHe loved the pressure of competition. She hated it. They both loved how they felt on the ice. The air, the smell, the wind, the silence. It was everything to them. They also loved how they made each other feel but could they ever love each other mor...
