Just Cousin

Chapter Seventeen

Trigger warning: Self-harm

CHAPTER 17

I cried.

Mabilis akong umakyat sa kwarto at isinalampak ang katawan sa kama. I covered my faced with a pillow, trying so hard to drown my sobs.

I felt used and unwanted. They wanted me to leave this house. Ayaw na ayaw na ba talaga nila sakin kaya nila ako pinapaalis dito? Yeah right, wala akong kwenta.

“Bullshit!” mugto ang mata ko nang bumangon sa kama. Nagawi ang paningin ko sa isang box na nasa lamesa. Parang may humihila sakin na lapitan ito.

So I did.

I cried as I opened my bedside table. Lumabas roon ang maliit na blade na matagal ko ng itinago at ibinaon sa limot.

But here it comes again. I'm going to meet my real self again. “N-No, Claire.” You've healed. Please don't do this.

Ngunit parang may sariling isip and katawan ko. I sobbed as I hold a sharp blade in my hands. It looked beautiful yet sinful. The edge were thin and intense. It gives me the urge to see blood.

Sa nanginginig na kamay at walang pag-aalinlangan, dahan dahan kong dinatay ang dulo nito sa pala-pulsohan ko.

My mother is right, wala akong kwenta. Kaya sa pagkakataon na to, dapat mawala na ako. Ayoko ng mabuhay sa ganitong paraan! Fuck! They killing me.

I closed my eyes as I drawn three edges of blade to my wrist. I could feel the fluids were making their way out. It was aching and it pained me. I can feel it to my bones.

I sob. This is better right?

Fuck, I'm being me again. Babalik na naman ako sa pagiging ganito. But it still make me extra alive. And there's nothing to look forward to. I'd give up.

I embrace myself shivering and crying my heart out.

My head was aching so bad like it was going to explode. My body was sore, every muscle felt stiff and painful. I felt empty.

Hinayaan ko ang sariling umupo sa gilid ng kama. Dinantay ko ang ulo rito habang hawak hawak pa rin ang brasong naglalabasan ng maraming dugo. Was it is a good thing? They say I'm worthless, and I guess they're right.

I embraced the terrible feeling. Unti unti kong pinikit ang namamaga kong mata. Habang malayang dumadaloy ang mga luha.

The more pain, the more gratifying. It was for the best. If I would die peacefully in my sleep, then it would end the misery. Guess, another painful soul left the cruel world.

But it would never end that instant.

Nakarinig ako ng kalabog ng pinto sa kwarto ko. Kasabay niyon ay ang pagsigaw ng boses ng kapatid ko. Halatang taranta at umiiyak.

“Ate!!!”

Bullshit!

Kahit nanghihina man ay pinili ko paring tumayo at kumuha ng damit para itago ang ginawa ko.

Ramdam ko ang pagdilim ng mga paningin ko nang tumayo at pagbuksan ito ng pinto.

“Bakit?”, malumanay kong tanong.
Agad na kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ang mukha nito.